A Year In Purgatory
by Zosie
Summary: Can a man take a girl next door and make her into a good wife?  Of course.  But can he make that same woman into his ideal sub?  Maybe he should have mentioned his particular hobby before the "I do's." Now everybody gets to pay. E&B All human, canon.  M
1. Chapter 1

**Even tho I am finding it hard to get back into my other unfinished stories, I fear not writing, so this is just an idea to keep me trying to regain my groove. I have no idea how long this will end up or even if anyone will like it.**

A Year In Purgatory

An Edward and Bella Story

Chapter 1/ Prologue

New Beginnings

Bella Swan Cullen.

You know what, it's nice to know that no matter how badly things can end, sometimes there can be a reason to go on and start again and have hope, because my life really was a dark pit of hopelessness until the day it rained and I ducked inside a little art gallery, and met new hope.

Or maybe it was old hope renewed.

Jacob Black was my friend growing up, seeing as how our fathers were best friends, and we played together and had a lot of adventures and fun together.

Until I met my husband, Edward Cullen.

I only intended sheltering from the rain until the worst was over, then dashing back outside but some of the photos in the showing caught my eye and I was impressed by their simplicity and the emotions they made me feel.

I shook myself off and hung my wet coat on the pegs at the entrance and walked inside, wanting to see more. The photos were mainly in black and white, or sepia and the moods were so clearly captured, my heart went from happy, to sad, to gleeful.

Each image evoked a feeling, maybe a memory lost in my subconscious and I followed from room to room, seeking more. I had not felt feelings like this for a long time now, and I liked it. It was like waking up after a long hibernation.

Then I saw it, the first photo that made me smile and laugh out loud.

I turned and saw Jake standing in the corner, silently watching my reaction and smiling the widest grin I had ever seen on his face.

"Bells, I knew it was you. What do you think?" he asked, pulling me into his embrace.

His lips found the top of my head and he kissed me quickly, like I wouldn't notice.

"I can't believe you still have that photo." I all but squealed.

"My two favorite girls, I will keep it forever."

I noticed then the small ticket announcing this one photograph was not for sale.

I laughed at the memory. Jake had rescued a very pregnant dog from the ocean, where she had fallen in and gotten weighed down by the weight of her pregnant belly, and he had dived in without a second thought and pulled her out.

A young girl had been taking her dog for a ride in a small wooden boat, clearly not realizing the danger, the waves may have been calm and gentle when she started out but they changed so suddenly and swamped her. Jake stayed beside the craft in the water after lifting the small white dog over the side.

The girl seemed to be about twelve or so, too young to be risking her life here on the sea, and Jake heaved himself up and into the boat and rowed her quickly back to shore. They were all safe and relieved the ordeal was over when the girl's father ran up and grabbed the child into a hug.

"Oh my God, I was too far away, up on the cliff. Thank you so much, I saw the whole thing. I owe you my daughter's life."

"Maybe your dog's life, your girl was never in danger really." Jake replied.

"I insist on returning the favor. What can I give you?" he asked. He was clearly not a man of means and when Jake mentioned he was looking for a new dog, the man immediately promised Jake the pick of the coming litter.

Nine weeks later, Jake had arrived at our house with a tiny, squirming bundle inside his coat. He pulled her out, a little white fluffball, and handed her to me.

"You have to name her for me. I am rubbish at choosing names for dogs. And I never had a female pup before."

"If it were a boy, we could name him Poseidon, King of The Sea. How about Posey?" I suggested, not knowing a single female sea Goddess.

"Perfect." Jake answered, and he snapped photos of the tiny pup as she jumped and climbed over me as I rolled on the grass and laughed at the licks her tiny wet, rough tongue inflicted on my face.

The best of these photos now hung in an ornate gold frame on the wall.

Jake showed me the remaining photos and I recognised many of the locations he had caught for all time. By the time I realized the rain had stopped, it was dark outside and he insisted we went to dinner together and I offered no resistance. Jake was a friend, one I had sadly neglected over the years of my ill fated marriage, and when we stopped at his big, fancy apartment, I was bowled over by how far he had come. He was semi famous, his photos were much sought after. He pointed at a space on his wall and told me that's where the photo of Posey and I usually resided.

I was humbled, it was spotlighted and situated in the very center of his sitting room wall, the first thing anyone entering this room saw.

"Come talk to me while I get changed." he suggested and he pulled off his suit and looked through his closet, grabbing a plain black button up shirt.

I gasped, hopefully undetected, at the sight of his new physique, the Jacob I knew was never built like this. He was enormous, stacked with muscles, and I realised he was also a lot taller than I remembered.

"Six foot four inches" he said, as if he had read my mind.

"Seriously, Jake, you have grown up rather nicely." I understated. The two year age gap had disappeared, he was all man now.

"Bella, I have been looking for you. Charlie told me about you and Edward. Are you two divorced yet?"

Damn, it hadn't been that urgent before. It was inevitable, but never something we needed to rush and neither of us had even filed yet.

Suddenly that seemed like something I wanted to rectify.

Some days I wish I could go back and not go to the supermarket that day, I mean, it wasn't like Charlie and I were desperately in need of groceries, I just had it in mind to make something new and daring, and see how my Dad reacted.

He was very much a steak and potatoes type of guy but I wanted to expand his horizons, so I was wandering down the aisles of the local mini mart and carrying a tin of coconut milk and looking for chili paste, and I noticed this gorgeous man watching me, openly, not even pretending to be discrete.

When I took my groceries to the checkout, he appeared behind me and smiled at me as I fumbled with my card and put in the pin code and naturally my card was rejected.

I mean, I used the thing every week, never a problem, I have this beautiful man god watching me and it rejects!

Lauren, a girl I knew from high school, sighed and ran it through again, like I was incapable of swiping the card myself. She was chewing loudly and then caught sight of the man behind me and almost choked on her gum.

I blushed all shades of crimson, I mean, I knew there was money in the account, my paycheck was as yet untouched, Charlie had deposited the weekly food money, there was no earthly reason for it to reject. Lauren normally would have told me to come by tomorrow and pay then but she was too dazzled to think of that and she stood there like a deer in the headlights.

"May I be of assistance and take care of that for you?" he asked, inches from my ear, his velvety voice sending shivers down my spine.

"Thank you." I answered, amazing myself. Normally I would have insisted she try again and again until the system worked and allowed me to pay myself, but somehow I wanted him to rescue me and I didn't even try to fight it.

"If you tell me where I can contact you, I will send you a check." I said, coming out of the haze of desire my body had fallen into, and wanting to make sure we would have to have further contact, even something as mundane and obviously unnecessary as paying him back the $10.47 I owed him.

He was dressed so beautifully and his whole demeanor spoke of wealth and complete lack of need for the paltry amount to be repaid.

"I would much rather you allowed me to take you out for coffee, then we could consider the debt cancelled." he said with a smile that probably stopped traffic.

I agreed, enthusiastically, who was I to turn down coffee from a God?

It's not like I had half the town banging on my door, begging me for dates. There was Jake but at two years my junior, I found it hard to take him seriously. And Mike Newton, but I had no intention of alienating Jessica by dating the boy she had crushed on for years.

So, he handed over his card that looked somehow different to any other card I had seen before, and my purchases were safe in my hand and we started to walk outside together.

"Um, Isabella, Miss Swan, could I have a quick word?" said Lauren, and I frowned and excused myself.

"He has an unlimited card." she hissed quietly.

"What?" I asked.

"His card, he could spend a million dollars and the sale would go through unchallenged. Maybe you should offer him more than coffee, if you know what I mean."

I glared at her, I was surprised she hadn't knocked me unconscious and made a play for him herself, as if there was one fantasy Lauren clung to, it was that a rich and handsome stranger would wander in and take her away from her boring and mundane life.

I scowled and turned back and caught him up outside where he waited patiently.

"My name is Edward Cullen." he said, smiling at me like I was as special as he clearly was.

"Isabella Swan, Bella really, that's what everyone calls me." I answered.

"Isabella, I like it. Though Bella is the more fitting, a beautiful name for a beautiful woman."

Okay, no man had ever called me beautiful before, I liked this.

I opened my door and dropped the groceries onto the passenger seat of my embarrassingly old red truck.

"Maybe we could take my car? I assure you I am not a serial killer or kidnapper."

I was glad he wasn't a serial killer but kidnapper? I had a feeling I could live with that. Being kidnapped by him could be fun.

He walked to a shiny silver Volvo and opened the passenger door and I smiled and slid inside.

"I like your car." I said as he sat in the driver's seat.

"This old thing?" he laughed. "then I can see you are easily impressed. I thought I might need to go home and swap it for one of my better vehicles."

He had more than one car? Okay, I was slightly impressed. But maybe the other cars were older or cheaper or on loan. I knew that wouldn't be true even as I thought it.

"I was thinking maybe Patric's in Port Angeles? They make a passable coffee." he said.

I had never been there, paying ten bucks for a coffee was never in my budget, but he clearly thought it reasonable, and I would never have this chance again.

"So, Isabella, tell me about yourself." he encouraged as we sped out of Forks and along the highway.

"Maybe I should wait until you finish driving, you may fall asleep from boredom and I don't want to end up wrapped around a tree." I answered, only half joking. He was driving way faster than anyone I had ever traveled with, and the trees were whipping past.

"I am sure nothing about you is boring." he said and I grimaced. Everything about me was boring, from my hair to my eyes to my life.

"I am an only child, my father is Chief of Police in Forks, my mother is remarried to Phil Dwyer, a baseball player you will never have heard of, because, yeah, he is that good. I attended Forks High, then escaped to SeattleU for college then just when I figured I could escape this town and spread my wings, my father became ill and needed me at home. He had a heart attack and he is only now back working fulltime."

"Where do you work?' he asked and I cringed, surprised he couldn't guess. I was a typical small town librarian, I kind of thought my job would be obvious to all.

"In the town library." I answered.

"Ah, a lover of the written word. I should have realized." he said, making my job sound much more romantic than it was.

I didn't exactly get time to read, I spent my days checking books out to the local residents, chasing up on the overdue borrowings, charging small fines to the tardy, and restocking the shelves as the returned books came home to wait for the next borrower to choose them.

"What do you plan to do with your life, Isabella?" he asked.

"Ideally, I want a chance to write a novel and see if it has any merit. I read a lot and love playing with words. I may flatter myself that anything I could write would be considered worthy of publishing, but if I don't try, I will never know."

"True. What would you write about?"

"Life. Love. Something with a happy ever after."

"Ah, a romantic at heart." he replied.

His tone implied it was all an improbable fable and I looked at his face, seeing his brow furrow and his mouth straighten, and his eyes laugh at the possibility that true love existed.

It was as if I had mentioned the story would be about fairies and wood nymphs and maybe a gentle giant who would save them from the bad gnomes. Cute, but not believable, simply a pretend world to escape to in the pages of a storybook.

"Don't you believe in true love, Edward?" I asked.

"I guess if none of us believed in love, then there would be a lot of books and movies that nobody would want to discover. Love is possible, I guess, for the chosen few who find another person willing and able to fulfill all your wants and needs and desires, but in my experience, that woman doesn't exist and I admit I have little hope that I am wrong."

He looked amused and maybe I read a challenge in his eyes that wasn't really there, but I felt determined to make this man admit, with love, all things were possible.

He must have had plenty of beautiful women available to him, he looked to be in his mid to late twenties, I was puzzled he was yet to find his ideal woman.

Coffee turned into a short stroll along the seafront and a cosy booth in Bella Italia and plates of delicious Italian nourishment but I noticed the conflict in his eyes and his mood changed from friendly and happy to almost afraid and guilty, then back again, over and over.

His words were pretty but I couldn't help wondering if he meant what he said, because at times the words lost their true meaning and sounded more like goodbye.

Clearly he had been attracted to me but had discovered already that I was not for him. It was no surprise to me, his other women would all be far more attractive and interesting than I was, I was never a real contender.

But I had experienced a great afternoon and evening, and I suddenly realized Charlie would have been home hours ago, expecting his dinner to be ready to serve.

"I can't believe I forgot my own father, I hope he managed to reheat something out of the freezer, and isn't still sitting there waiting for me to turn up with a hot dinner in hand." I laughed.

"You really love your father, don't you?' he said quietly.

"Sure, Charlie is great."

"But he can't keep you forever, away from your real destiny. You have to get out there and have a home of your own and find a job you love and write your novel." he encouraged.

"Maybe one day." I sighed. The chances of those happening were pretty remote. Chances are I would still be here, parenting my father, until the day he died. I would be in my mid forties by then and there would be nobody left for me, and I would buy cats and read my classics and write short stories about unrequited love or plain simple girls who once spent a day in the company of a beautiful man who touched their hearts and remained locked inside their memories forever, warming them as they faced long cold evenings of loneliness, with just the face on the television for company. And the cats, don't forget the cats, Bella.

I knew that was the most likely scenario for me, and until today it had been enough.

Suddenly I wanted more.

Edward dropped me back at my rusty red truck, and I paused and wondered if he would kiss me as I alighted. I admit, I wanted something more to remember, and when I stood beside him, he seemed conflicted again, then he resolved whatever issue was bothering him, and he pulled me to him and his lips touched mine, and I melted in his arms.

His mouth was warm and practised, he knew exactly how to kiss a girl and leave her head spinning and her lungs gasping and her heart in an uproar, wanting more.

He set me back down on the ground and looked regretful, not the best reaction.

"I hope I have the strength to stay away from you." he murmured.

Somehow I knew it was the crux of the matter. He liked me,maybe as much as I liked him, but he knew I could never be what he needed.

Better this way, for both of us. I had my memory now, and he could keep looking for that elusive perfect woman.

I climbed into my truck and never looked back, until I was out of the carpark and well down the road.

He was still standing there by his car, one hand on the roof, one hand on his lips.

I smiled.

Maybe I had left him with a memory as well.

xXx xXx xXx

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

It had started out such a mundane day, no bright spots on the horizon. I was missing New York, but not my almost fiancee, in fact, the longer I was here the more I breathed a sigh of relief and realized what a narrow escape I had experienced. Tanya Denali had seemed like the answer, but I could see the whole facade would never last, she would grow weary of pretending to be my devoted wife and I would never be able to stand her incessant lamenting about how she was unable to be with the only man she had ever had feelings for. She had been the mistress of a high profile New York Senator, who was a very much loved 'decent family man', never likely to tarnish his reputation by leaving his wife and adorable children, for her. They had dallied together in secret betrayal for the past ten years.

I was merely the man who appeared in public with her, and it suited me to be linked with her, because she neither knew nor cared about the reason I had no real girlfriend to display to the world.

I was her cover, she was mine. We were photographed at charity events, political fund raisers, anything newsworthy, and our photographs were quite common in the various society pages.

Speculation about when we would tie the knot had became more frequent, so we had debated between ourselves how far we were willing to continue the charade.

I bought her a $75,000 diamond ring and waited for her to decide if we were going to go public and announce our engagement. Obviously the next question would be, for the media, what was the date we would walk down the aisle: for us, whether we could allow it to actually ever go that far.

I was wary of introducing her to my parents and our engagement would make that necessary. I knew my father would be puzzled but it was my mother's reaction I feared. She would take one look at Tanya and know we were playing roles. My Mom knew me as well as I knew myself, except for my one secret.

She would never be convinced I loved and wanted to marry a woman like Tanya.

Tanya and I had spent a whole night, sitting in my bed, discussing whether we would go on as we were, call the whole 'relationship' off, or go ahead and marry.

There were as many reasons to go ahead as there were to back away, so we decided on some distance between us to work out in our own minds, and not be influenced by the other, what we wanted to do.

So, I delighted my parents by coming to their home in Forks, and staying for an extended holiday while I wrestled with my conscious, if such a thing existed. I didn't want to deceive my parents but there didn't seem to be another way to live the life I wanted while appearing to live they life they hoped I would.

Tanya and I would have to let them down by never giving them grandchildren, that was a step further than I would ever consider going, but I assumed they may like to see me 'happily married'.

So, that fateful day dawned and I stopped off on impulse at the small grocery store to buy cigarettes and a woman caught my eye as I wandered aimlessly, browsing to see if there was anything I could take home for my Mother. She was not a big chocolate eater and anyway, the quality of those offered was vastly inferior to what she was used to, and the wine selection was equally pitiful, so I was about to give up and just purchase my pack of nicotine friends when I caught a glimpse of an angel.

She was tripping down the aisle, smiling to herself as she spied whatever she was seeking, and she held the can as if it were precious, then she moved on to the spice section and collected a small jar of paste and added it to her basket.

Her face was a picture, to see a woman happy to find a tin of coconut milk, and smile with happiness and satisfaction over such a minor thing intrigued me. Tanya had looked less impressed when I had shown her the blue Tiffany's box, and she had torn it opened and assessed the ring inside, and found it lacking.

"Really, Edward, this is the best you can offer? If I was your real girlfriend, I would turn you down because of this bauble alone."

"That's as much as I am willing to waste on a fake engagement, sorry. Take it or leave it." I had answered.

I watched this girl as her eyes shone and she danced to the checkout, and I pushed past a large lady with a lot of purchases in her cart to be directly behind this vision. When her card failed repeated attempts, I stepped in and took the opportunity to play the hero and thus secure some time with her.

Isabella Swan. The name suited her. Her heart shaped face with those amazing deep brown eyes and the full and kissable lips lured me in.

I asked her the usual questions as we headed for Port Angeles and decent coffee and she talked and laughed and told me about her life to this point.

I couldn't help the visions that appeared in my head, her walking towards me down the aisle, her waiting for me when I got home from work, her kissing me and taking me to our bed.

That's where the reality hit.

Vanilla sex was all a girl like her would ever be comfortable with and vanilla sex was not what I could settle for.

As she drank her coffee and smiled and laughed at my jokes, I knew I had to stop now and walk away, for both our sakes. But my mouth disagreed and somehow we were walking to Port Angeles best restaurant and she was ordering mushroom ravioli and I was ordering their famous spaghetti bolognese and somehow the hour or two I had intended turned into an entire evening in her company.

She was delightful and intoxicating and very addictive, like my own personal form of heroin, and I knew I was going to find it impossible to do the right thing and stay away from her.

I dropped her at the carpark, and as she stepped from my car, somehow my arms reached for her, just this once, I promised myself.

Her lips tasted as delicious as they looked and I went back for more. She was captivating, and I had to tear myself away before I ruined her as surely as I knew I would.

She was far too beautiful and her soul too precious to risk on a man like myself.

"Walk away." I said in my head but my heart lurched when she did just that.

She drove away and I congratulated myself, I had not asked for her number, her address or for a further date.

Better she think me rude or disinterested.

I watched her truck until it disappeared in the distance, then I drove to my parents place, denying I would weaken and seek her out. In a town this size, it would probably be impossible to find anyone who didn't know where she lived.

I should stay away, I should leave her alone.

I acknowledged that even as I found myself looking forward to our next encounter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Apologies for all the typos last chapter. Note to self, don't write at 2.26am. sleep instead. I don't own Twilight. Or even sunrise.**

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter Two

The Trap Is Set

Bella Swan Cullen

I shut the front door and leaned against it. I could still feel the sting of his lips on mine. I knew he would try and stay away but I also knew he would be back.

"Bells, I was worried." said my father. I sighed and walked into the room at the back with the large flatscreen, my Dad's 'new wife'.

He would never trust another live woman, but technology he embraced and loved.

"Have you eaten?' I inquired.

"I ordered pizza. There's some left if you are hungry."

"I already ate. I met someone, he took me to dinner, sort of on impulse. Sorry I didn't let you know." I explained.

"Really, someone new? Here in Forks?"

"Yes. Do you know the Cullens? It was their son, Edward, visiting here from New York."

"Dr Carlisle Cullen is an asset to this community, we are very lucky a doctor of his standard wants to waste his time on a small town like this. And his wife, Esme, is a beautiful lady, always ready to help anyone who needs a hand. They have a daughter but I don't recall hearing of a son. Edward, you say?"

"Don't, Charlie, I am warning you."

My father could never resist. Any man I dated who was unknown to him, therefore had not grown up in this Godforsaken village, was investigated on the police computer at the station.

He warned me off if any suitor had as much as a speeding ticket, and somehow I imagined Edward must have plenty of those, seeing he didn't seem to think the speed limit applied to him.

Even a parking ticket apparently showed a flawed character, so few men had ever passed the Charlie test.

It had never stopped me dating them but I always found myself waiting for them to 'confess their sins' and if they didn't in a timely manner, it usually ended up being the deal breaker.

I sat down and tried to think of a way to ask further questions about his family without encouraging my father to investigate them all.

"Alice, the girl's name is. She is married to one of those black haired punk band singers, emu's?"

"Do you really mean he is a large flightless bird from Australia or do you mean an emo?" I joked.

"Whatever, he wears all black and makes a lot of money for singing depressed songs. She is great though, happy little thing, always chatting and bouncing about. You would like her."

"How did this entire family manage to live here without me knowing?" I asked.

"Oh, they moved here when you were still in college and I guess you haven't been on any trips to the hospital since then."

I still thought the town would be abuzz if the rest of the Cullens were as good looking as Edward.

"I have to go change. Seth is at the hospital, his wife is in labor so I am covering his shift tonight."

I had no doubt he would be checking up on Edward the minute he got behind his desk.

"Let me know if anything interesting turns up. He told me he wasn't a serial killer but I guess if he was, he would deny it anyway."

Charlie left soon afterwards and I cleaned up the kitchen and put the leftover pizza into the fridge and decided to try my own investigation. I Googled his name and read articles about his company, it seems Edward is the CEO of some computer based empire, and he earns more than your average small town population added together.

There were many photos of him with the same woman, a tall, beautiful blond, Tanya Denali. I wondered what she lacked, seeing Edward had said he had never met a woman who could be all he needed.

She appeared to have it all, she was stunningly gorgeous, beautifully dressed, poised and elegant, and rich by the looks. I examined the pictures closely. I know a lot about body language and the way they stood seemed to indicate there was not any connection between them. He was always standing maybe slightly possessively but not affectionately, and he never touched her in a way that indicated intimacy or even a sexual connection of any type. They seemed almost detached.

I scrolled through the many shots and one photo was very telling. This Tanya had been caught almost out of shot, gazing at the handsome Senator Garrett Thomas, and I would bet my last dollar she knew him well. He was not looking back at her, and shot after shot showed him looking at everyone in the room except Tanya. The subtle smile on her lips, the look of love and longing in her eyes, at the very least she was head over heels in love with him.

The Senators wife was scowling in Tanya's direction in a single frame, she quickly rearranged her expression and looked adoringly but possessively at her husband in every other photo.

So, wifey knew. Did Edward?

I would wager a bet he did but didn't care.

So, what did that mean?

He was using Tanya to present a partner to the media and the world.

Why would he do that?

I struggled with the obvious conclusion. Edward Cullen was in the closet.

I thought back to our kiss and examined it from every angle.

In the end, I changed my conclusion to possibly bi-sexual but I couldn't go with gay. Nobody could fake a kiss that well, to a member of the 'wrong' gender.

Or maybe he had a married lover, like Tanya appeared to.

I searched the photos again but he was never looking at any woman in particular so if so, she was not part of his social circle.

Why did I even care? Even if he did come back and seek me out, he would be returning to New York at some point so maybe all he wanted from me was sex. Maybe I would give it to him, it would certainly add another chapter to my memory book. Maybe he was bored and needed a fuckbuddy. I wondered if it would be possible to sleep with a man as gorgeous as he was and manage to not fall in love with him?

Maybe a more experienced lover could do that but I seriously doubted my own ability to remain unmoved by his touch, if his kiss was anything to go by.

I pulled on a sweater and took my torch from the top drawer and walked downstairs, putting my cellphone into my back pocket of my jacket. Forks was probably the safest town on the planet and I had no qualms about walking at night.

My head needed to stop overthinking and let me rest and it wasn't happening thus far.

I walked along my usual track and was soon at the edge of the forest, I barely needed the torch, the moon shone so brightly I could see every rock and plant in my way.

I became aware of approaching footsteps, someone was out for a run. I ran a list of possibilities through my head. Eric and Tyler often ran at night, but usually together. I had my suspicions they did a lot more together than just go running but then I laughed at myself. Maybe I was seeing gays in places where none existed, in a town this size three stretched the limit of probability.

"Hello again." said a velvety voice and I turned and faced Edward Cullen. "Do you come here often?" he smirked, stretching his tall, lean body as he stopped beside me.

"I often walk at night, when my head's in a state of confusion." I replied.

"What are you confused about?" he asked.

"I spent an hour or so looking at photos online of you and Tanya Denali."

"Oh, Tanya." he said. "She is a ...friend of sorts."

"I worked that out. I looked at the photos before I read the articles. You two seem a very mismatched couple. I was surprised to read wedding bells are expected."

He sank to the ground and sat crossed legged and pulled my hand so I would do the same.

"Why do you say mismatched?" he asked.

"Body language. I have always been able to read people pretty accurately and you don't seem to have any connection with her. I am thinking either she is your fag hag, but you kiss too well for a gay kissing a woman. So now I am wondering if whoever you do love is married? Like the Senator."

"You think I am in love with Senator Thomas? I thought you concluded I wasn't gay."

"No, Tanya is in love with the Senator. So I am still wondering what your secret is."

"I wish you would let it go. It's not what you think." he replied.

"Oh, so you don't have a married lover?" I questioned.

"I have never slept with another man's woman, whether she is married or not." he stated.

"Hmm, so the plot thickens. No men, either? Just to be clear."

"God no, no men." The look of pure distaste seemed to back his denial.

"Do you currently have a lover?" I asked.

"No, not at present. I...finished with the last one before I came here, seeing I don't know how long my stay here will be. It seemed unfair and she was ready to move on anyway. How about you? Any married menfriends? Boyfriends? Lovers?"

"No, I have never seen the point in having an affair with a married man. Even if he leaves his wife for you, and marries you, how would you ever trust him to stay faithful to you when he didn't to her?"

"Good point. How about lovers?"

"Not currently. Forks hasn't a lot to offer. I haven't been with a man since college, actually. Even then, there was nobody serious. Just the usual short lived relationships one has in college while waiting for Mr Right."

"How many Mr Wrongs?" he asked.

"How many Miss Wrongs?" I countered back.

"I have been in six long term relationships, I don't count high school encounters seeing they were all brief and casual."

"How long is long term?" I asked.

"A year seems to be the limit of my capabilities. They get tired of me and move on around then."

"How strange. Mine were all different, two and half years the longest, six months the shortest." I replied.

"Wow, two and a half years, well done. Why did it end?"

"He wanted more than I could offer at that point. He wanted us to have a baby and I was nowhere near ready for that commitment. I believe if you ever have a baby, you have maybe five years minimum together first, I don't want my child growing up in a broken home. My parents were married straight out of High School and I was born seven weeks before their first wedding anniversary. I think had they waited, either they would have split and not had a child at all, or maybe they would have worked out their problems beforehand and been able to offer me a stable home with parents who were committed to each other, and to making a family work."

"How bleak the world would be without you in it." he said, and I frowned. What a strange thing to say.

"Bella, I think you like me, am I right?" he asked.

"Sure, I like you, maybe more than I should." I answered.

"What if I told you I was not a good person or a good catch?"

"Do you cheat?"

"Never. I am always monogamous when I have a...lover." he replied.

"How long do you wait between one relationship and the next?"

He looked at the ground, then at me.

"Around a month. Once one relationship is over, I move on quickly."

Hmm, maybe a sex addiction?

"Do you indulge in domestic violence?"

He looked at me strangely and shook his head.

"No, I don't believe in hitting women unless it's consensual."

"Yeah, well, I don't imagine women ask for their partners to hit them. Do you have issues with your temper?"

"Never, I am always in complete control. If I ever felt out of control I would walk away."

"Okay, you seem a pretty good risk to me." I informed him.

"Bella, if you were smart you would stay away from me."

"Edward, we have discussed all the unforgivable sins in my view. You are okay by me."

He sighed and shook his head, like he knew this would happen and he wanted to stop and walk away but couldn't do it.

"Would you come out on a date with me, then?"

"Sure. When?"

"Tomorrow night?"

"Okay. Sevenish? That way I can cook for Charlie before we go." I added.

"No problem. See you then. I should keep running or I will seize up. Can I please walk you home first? If I am going to Hell anyway, I may as well do it properly."

I had no idea what he meant but I agreed to him walking me home, in the hope he may kiss me goodnight. I need not have worried, he pulled me around the back of the house and smiled when he saw the porch swing.

"Sit with me for a while. Please."

I sat down and he pulled me in close and played with my hair while he peppered me with kisses and his hands seemed to be everywhere, rubbing my shoulders, my sides, he grazed my breasts briefly. I knew horny when I saw it.

I felt that way myself and as he kissed me deeply I decided to start wrong, this would no doubt end when he left, I may as well grab as many memories as I could.

I reached for his crotch and rubbed my hand over his erection, already there and waiting, and I unzipped his pants and let it free.

I was worried for a moment. I had never had any man this large inside me before, and I briefly wondered if he would fit.

He moaned quietly as I stroked him, and I moved myself so I was straddling him, facing our bodies to one another and I slid him inside me, as I pulled my panties to one side and allowed him access.

I figured if the date tomorrow was merely to achieve sex, then he may back out after tonight, but on the other hand, if he liked what I offered, maybe he would be even more eager to take me out.

He slid in deep and sighed my name and reached for my breasts.

I undid my bra and threw my top off and dropped the bra on top of it on the patio. Quite a pile of clothing, my coat and sweater had already been discarded.

Nobody could see us here and my skirt hid the view of where we were joined.

His mouth sucked in a nipple while his hand pulled and rolled the other.

The man was an expert. I ground against him and he rocked harder and deeper, thrusting in so far I became aware of places that had never been reached before.

Between that and the sensations he was causing to my nipples, I was coming embarrassingly fast and I spent a millisecond considering holding off and calming down but my body was pulsing around his by then.

Fuck, he was good.

He filled me completely and his moans that I was 'so tight' were more a reflection of his own girth, I had never felt any other man this well equipped before and I silently cursed that my future lovers would now seem inadequate.

Whatever, he was damn hot and knew what he was doing and he had me undone twice more, coming himself shortly after me each time, then hardening again so fast I was beginning to think he was abnormal. I have been with guys with a quick recovery but usually they actually leave my body between rounds. Not Edward, he would release inside me and feel softer for an instance then rock again and his erection would be back, just as solid as before.

I was fantasizing of an all nighter when he stopped and kissed me deeply and pulled his pants back up.

"I should go, you need to sleep, I want you fresh and rested for our date tomorrow."

"You could sleep here, Charlie won't be back until ten a.m." I offered.

He stood me up and kissed me again.

"Come on then. But you have to promise to sleep at some point."

I agreed, but I liked the 'at some point' bit and I had him naked and pounding me again within minutes of locking my bedroom door.

Morning invaded and I opened an eye and looked at the clock.

Edward moved closer behind me and started again, pushing his fingers inside me from where he lay.

"I want to sneak up behind you." he whispered and I raised my upper leg to give him access.

He removed his fingers and traced circles around my clit instead. I hoped he would make it inside me before I came because he had me close in seconds.

His fingers were extraordinary and I silently thanked every girl who had been with him before me, because they had collectively trained him well.

He pushed and left, thrust and withdrew, until I was crying out and losing coherency.

"Yes,yes, Edward." seemed to be the only words I knew today.

He took me over the brink twice before suggesting we move it to the shower.

I was eager for some shower sex but I also wanted my sheets safely in washer before Charlie came home so while Edward adjusted the water, I got my bedding into the machine and turned it on, with plenty of sweet smelling soap liquid to mask any odours. I threw my bedroom window open and let the mattress breathe while we played soapy games with each other.

I cooked breakfast for us both and Edward kissed me and promised to return by noon to take me to lunch. We were still going on our dinner date but he swore he couldn't be away from me for that long, so lunch it is.

After he left, I got clean linen and remade the bed. It had never seen any action before and I blushed at the memory of how many times we had climaxed together, I figured I had managed a months sex in one night.

By that I mean a months sex from when I actually had a live in lover in the past. I had never experienced the passion and energy like Edward possessed before.

At noon, he was back and we ate in a little beach cafe by the sea, and strolled along the sand hand in hand. Edward sat us down far from the other beachgoers and kissed me deeply for a while.

"Have you ever had beach sex?' he asked.

"I had never had sex anywhere but in a bed until last evening." I replied. He looked crestfallen, which confused me, I had thought he would be pleased to have been my first at something.

He cheered up when he found a section of beach private enough to satisfy his needs and he reached up my sundress and pulled my panties down and I stepped out of them.

"Sit on my lap, facing the sea," he suggested so I did, and found his pants lowered and his erection free by then. He guided me carefully onto his waiting shaft until he was fully encased in my body.

He lifted and pulled me back down slowly and I found the change of pace intriguing but soon I was so turned on I needed him to treat me rougher and plunge me faster and harder. He really got into it then and nibbled at my earlobe and whispered endearments peppered with sexy talk in between and he had me a mass of quivering jelly in no time.

I had me a sexpert.

Satisfaction guaranteed over and over.

I laughed at the way I had faked orgasms in the past for the sake of some men's tender ego's, there was never time to fake anything with Edward, I was too busy climaxing around his shaft to even think.

Wow, I envied whoever married this amazing man. If it had been me, I couldn't imagine ever leaving the bed, except to go have outdoor sex, I would definitely leave the bed for this.

He finally decided we were done and slid my panties back on, I hope they were going to absorb the wetness he had filled me with, but I doubted it.

I excused myself at the cafe back where we parked the car and used their restroom to clean up as much of his semen as I could. I had never experienced so many episodes of sex so close, this was an entirely foreign problem.

The weekdays demanded I go to work but Edward drove me there and picked me up afterwards and we ate out most nights or he came and ate at Charlie's. Charlie was a little prickly at first, he felt we were moving way too fast and he was not thrilled knowing Edward slept over every night, but after a few weeks he accepted the inevitability of it all, and things settled into a routine. The routine was, if I was not at work, I was with Edward.

xXx xXx xXx

Edward Cullen

Bella completely captivated me and I knew that was dangerous and wrong and could only lead to heartbreak. I had no experience of a proper relationship so I was learning as we went. I was happy to take her to as many chick flicks as she wanted, I needed the insight to how romance worked.

I had never felt anything remotely related to the depth of feelings I had for her and it rightly terrified me. I was going to ruin her and I had no will to stop it.

I had never believed it was possible to turn a submissive into a wife, the two roles were too far apart, but I did wonder if I could turn a wife into a submissive.

Would it be possible to marry Bella then introduce her to my lifestyle and hope she loved me enough to try?

It was the only possibility I could think up.

I wanted to give her the heads up of what she was getting herself into but I didn't want to have her running for the hills, screaming her head off.

It disturbed me and bode badly for the future that she was inexperienced at anything but normal, straight sex. When she told me she had never even had sex outside of a bed before, I knew I should walk but my legs refused to obey.

She clearly loved sex, so that was good. She had fantastic endurance, which my subs had all needed, and I was building her up to longer sessions which meant more orgasms, she had no problems in that department. I had never encountered a body so responsive and easy to bring to fulfillment, she defied nature in that respect.

I doubted though that it would be possible to have her wait for my permission to come.

I decided to try a few basic moves and see how she responded.

That night I knew Charlie was working all night which would make this possible.

I lay her across the bed and started to tease her clit, then when she was bucking and moaning, I whispered in her ear.

"Not yet baby, hold off Bella, don't come yet, it will be so much more enjoyable if you wait."

She came on my hand and laughed at the idea she would even fight against that release.

"What if I really wanted you to?" I asked her.

"Edward, I have only ever had men whine about how long I took, never one ask me to slow down. And why would I want to even try? Multiple orgasms make up for our pain and suffering each month, we need some reward for that debacle."

That was another issue, she refused to even try having sex during her period and I had always enjoyed the extra lubrication that provided. My request we try it was met with flat refusal and she grabbed my erection and gave me the blowjob to end all blowjobs so I kind of forgot to pursue that line of interest anyway,

My time here was coming to a close and I had to decide the right thing to do.

End this, and break her heart but make it a quick, complete, clean break or ask her to marry me and struggle on and hope to change her attitude in time.

I cursed Emmett McCarty, my best friend growing up.

He met his soulmate Rosalie Hale when they were twelve years old so Emmett fought back against the inevitability he would marry her the minute High School was over.

He gave that up and decided then, his only option was to fit in as much sex with as many girls as he could manage before she tied him down. He intended being completely faithful once they married but he wasn't the one girl type and he wanted his share of pussies before the ball and chain were attached to his leg.

So, as Rose attended a private girl's school, he managed to entice as many girls as possible into the janitor's closet for a quick fuck at our school, and he dragged me to every party anyone threw. Then we started on clubs. Emmett faked our id's and both being well over six foot, we managed to get away with our supposed age, and we were drinking and whoring at a much younger age than most.

One club he took me to was a club for dominants and their prospective subs and I became completely obsessed, watching the way the girls were so docile and obedient, I knew I had found my niche in the world.

I took on my first submissive when I left home for college and she stayed the agreed twelve months while we learned everything there was to know about what this lifestyle demanded.

The next sub was an older woman, around late twenties and she taught me many of the finer points I had not discovered. The power was intoxicating, having her wait for my permission to release, especially , turned me on and made me as hard as steel. She taught me endurance and inventiveness to introduce my own preferences, and I was truly sorry when our year was up. I had a strong attachment to her but though I regretted having to train my next subs to her standards, I didn't grieve over her, there were no romantic feelings.

I have never had the slightest romantic twinge until I fell head over heels for Bella Swan.

**Please review if you think this is worth continuing.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N...**Can I just say, no this is not a story about becoming a sub, why bother when The Sub and The Dom, The Red Line, and Fifty covered that amazingly. This is just my idea of how a girl next door would really react,(When I read those stories, I used to think "Goddamn, if I were her, I would react differently.", so, my Bella will!) There will be some necessary violence. Lynz

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 3

The Ecstasy And The Agony

Bella Swan Cullen

Knowing Edward was leaving Forks soon made me enjoy my time with him more than ever. I knew I would not meet another man like him, and I enjoyed his company and everything about him. The sex was awesome, my only concern was some of the 'dirty talk' he used as I was about to climax. I knew everyone had their fantasies and they didn't necessarily indicate something the person wanted to actually try, just some act they imagined and used to turn themselves on.

After reading a book about a pair of devoted lovers who happened to be the same sex, my most intimate fantasy had been imagining the two men together while my then boyfriend fucked me, but I would no more want to see him having gay sex than fly to the moon.

It was just a naughty, erotic thought that helped me reach my goal.

I had kept it strictly to myself, never saying any words out loud.

So, I pretty much discarded what Edward said in his most frantic moments, and enjoyed the benefits instead.

He was a thoughtful and caring lover and he had never allowed his own pleasure before my own, definitely something new for me.

How many times had I had to resort to 'finishing' in the shower after my then current partner snored away in my bed, happy and satisfied himself, oblivious the ecstasy was limited to his own pleasure? More often than I wanted to recall.

Edward always made sure I was ready to take him in and seemed willing to do anything to get me ready, little did he know, just a smile or a kiss was all I needed when it came to him, I enjoyed the lead up so much I had to put in a real effort to refrain from coming during the foreplay.

Then I figured, an orgasm is an orgasm and not to be wasted and currently, there were plenty more where that one came from.

He was never nearly finished with a session unless I had come a minimum of three times, it was almost like it was his own personal law.

Two weeks before he left, he called and asked me if I would like to come and meet his parents and sister. I was a little shocked, I had assumed we were simply sex buddies, as much as I wanted to be more to him, I didn't allow myself to futilely hope in that direction.

Esme was just what every mother should be. Open and caring, eager to befriend me, interested in what I had to say, and happy her son seemed happy in my company. She showed no sign of possessiveness or jealousy, something I had encountered with other mothers, and I truly liked her and hoped we would be friends even when her son left me behind and went back to his former life in the city.

I wondered if he would ever think back on his time here in Forks, and think of me?

Or if, when he returned, he would look me up and get together again because I definitely wanted that to happen.

I was going to miss him terribly.

Carlisle proved to be as good looking as his son, although Edward took after his mother in coloring, his green eyes and copper hair were hers, his dad was blond and blue eyed, but they both had the same firm jaws and cheekbones and twinkling eyes.

Carlisle seemed to like me on sight and grinned at his son when Edward kept searching for me with his eyes if I was taking to someone else.

He rarely remained in the room if I left, somehow he needed to keep close, and I liked it, my former lovers had been much more casual and unconcerned.

We were invited for lunch and when a knock sounded on the door, his father grinned and told Edward to go answer it.

Squeals of delight and sisterly devotion soon filled the air.

"You are still here? I expected you to run home weeks ago, what delayed your departure? I know, our glorious Californian style weather!"

This was clearly Alice and she jumped off him the moment she saw me and closed in, her arms extended towards me.

"Bella, my God, I finally am allowed to meet you! I knew someone was behind my brother cancelling his ticket home. Thank you for making him want to stay and spend time with us not that we see much of him lately but it's nice, the brief glimpses we do get. I am Alice, obviously, and this handsome man is my husband Jasper."

I shook hands with the gorgeous creature in front of me. If Edward didn't exist , he would easily win Sexiest Man Alive, it was his bad luck his brother-in-law was so incredibly gorgeous and eclipsed him.

Jasper was quiet but funny and clearly obsessed with his wife. I loved seeing the couplings, Carlisle and Esme radiated love for one another and Jasper and Alice seemed just as well suited, and devoted.

Why hadn't Edward been allowed the same privilege? He was lovable, and caring as well as the obvious.

During lunch, Alice pumped us both for information as to where we stood with each other, and we both hedged and tried to redirect. I didn't want to hear him say I was merely a distraction , a holiday romance, but as that was all I could be with a man like him, I had no idea how to answer her myself.

"Bella is the most important woman in my world." he stated."who is not related to me by birth." he amended, seeing Alice's eyes flash with something...jealousy?

She clearly adored him, and who could blame her? I had always wished I had an older brother.

I tried to ignore what he had implied, and smiled sweetly and asked her where she got her fantastic dress from, not that fashion had ever been important to me. She dressed uniquely, in her very own style and I liked it.

"I designed this myself, it's part of my first collection. I am sooo nervous, Jasper assures me everyone will love my designs but until I read the critics reviews for myself, it's all wait and see. And panic!" she laughed. "Seriously Bella, some of my clothes were made for you."

"The blue and yellow dress? And that royal blue evening frock Edward loves?" asked Esme, excitedly.

"Absolutely, and the dress with the roses. I swear I must have seen Bella coming when I made that. You have to come to my workshop, I will fill your wardrobe requirements for this season."

I laughed and thanked her, my 'season' requirements would do me for the next few years by the sounds of things.

Edward leaned over and kissed his sister's cheek.

"Thank you, Alice, your approval of my girl is important to me. Not that I would stop seeing her if you didn't like her, mind you. But I am happy you like her."

I was astounded by his talk, he seemed so much more open with them than even with me. I had not really detected he felt this way about me at all. Maybe I had been so busy protecting myself from hurt when he left, I had ignored the signs. Most of my boyfriends had downplayed our relationships around their parents, so this was all an eye opener to me. Edward held my hand openly and sat beside me at the dining table and made sure I had everything I needed.

I had not been aware he had extended his stay in Forks, surely that was not down to me?

After lunch, Esme shoo'ed us outside while she cleared up, and Edward took me around the perimeters of their property. It was quite a few acres of land, mostly covered in forest at the back, but a swimming hole and creek formed a wonderful area to relax and enjoy yourselves in if the weather permitted bathing.

Edward sat on a large rock and pulled me onto his knee.

"Bella, I am feeling very conflicted about what to do next." he confessed.

"What are your options?" I asked, not sure where he was headed.

"I didn't expect to ever meet a woman who affects me like you do. I have to tell you, I have never known what love felt like before. You have opened doors in my heart I wasn't aware were there."

"Okay. I am surprised. You do seem different today." I answered.

"I feel today is the day I need to make a decision one way or the other. I had a plan that no longer seems even viable. I intended getting engaged to Tanya when I returned to New York. It was simply a matter of convenience, no feelings involved. Now it seems like the most stupid idea I ever had. What if I had married her already, then you wouldn't have given me the time of day."

"True." I agreed.

" I still want to get engaged but this time I want it for the right reasons. I want it because my heart wants you to be mine. I want you to agree to marry me, soon, and be my wife. I have never met a woman I could picture as my life partner, until you stepped into my life. I need you. Bella, I love you."

His hands cupped my face and the sincerity in his eyes took away any lingering doubts. Edward loves me.

"Will you marry me, please. I would never ask for another thing if you said yes."

I truly wanted to accept, and weighing it up, it was time Charlie let me return to my own life and this was my Heaven sent opportunity to have everything I had never dreamed possible. A husband who loved me, incredibly, considering the vast canyon between his looks and mine. A man with money and a future, things I had never made a requirement but they now seemed pretty desirable.

Imagine the freedom money could allow. I could write my novel.

Edward, homeless and penniless would have been tempting enough but Edward with money and a nice house or apartment and the connection between us, keeping us together for life? Irresistible.

"I would love to marry you." I replied, and he had me safely in his arms as he rolled us on the soft green grass.

"Thank you. I love you so much I can't even find the words." he sighed and his lips found mine and we kissed until I nearly blacked out.

"Breathe, Bella." he laughed and nudged my cheek with his nose. He sat us up and put an arm around my shoulders and he intertwined our fingers on our free hands and kissed my knuckles.

"I am the luckiest man alive."

"What was Option two?" I asked.

"Forget it, it wouldn't have worked."

"Tell me." I begged.

"I knew either we made it permanent and for ever or we walked away from one another. Nothing in between would do. I wanted this, I wanted you to be mine, but had you said no, and not wanted me, I would have been on a plane today and never come back. It would have been like we never met, like I never existed."

"Then I am glad you went with Option one." I replied.

"Bella, I could never live without you. You are my life now."

"I love you, Edward." I replied.

We lay together until Alice and Jasper came to find us, then Alice looked at our hands, still with fingers threaded together.

"Oh My God, am I going to be designing a wedding dress?" she squealed, and I grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.

"And a bridesmaid dress." I added."Make it for a girl your size and coloring."

It was unbelievable, this morning I was mourning I only had Edward for two more weeks, now we had forever.

Esme and Carlisle were thrilled but unsurprised, to my surprise.

"I knew the moment I saw you, you were his soulmate. I knew you existed, even if he lived in denial and tried to make do with that skinny creature. I have been petrified since you came back, Edward, that you came to tell us you were marrying Tanya."

Edward laughed and pulled me in close.

"I waited for love, like you always told me to. You were right, nothing else would ever do."

Esme shed a tear or two, Alice was on her cellphone barking my measurements as she draped her sewing tape around me, and I seemed to be only required to turn up on the day.

"This is vital, hold everything else, this dress has to be finished within the week." she yelled into her phone.

"A week?" I questioned.

"I can have the reception organized for next Saturday, that gives us ten days." said Esme.

"Ten days?" I gasped.

"There's no reason to wait, is there?" Edward asked me.

"No, I guess not. But ten days?" It was happening so quickly. Maybe he was right, why wait? I didn't want to over think things or burst his bubble, clearly Edward knew what he wanted, and Esme had confided he had never brought a girl home to meet them before so I could rest assured I was very special to him. Could I ask for more? Why wait, nothing would change. The past three months had been amazing, I felt I knew him enough by now to know he was the long term partner I had waited for and hoped existed.

"Bella, I rarely take time away from work, it's best if we take advantage of my free time now. Let's go file so everything will be ready and waiting." he said, taking my hand.

"Um, maybe we should tell Charlie." I suggested and his face dropped a little. Forgotten that small detail it seemed.

Charlie was even more astounding than Edward, he grasped my fiance's hand and pumped it up and down and clapped him on the back. Maybe he was relieved because Edward had openly slept in my bed, maybe Charlie even imagined Edward had been my first and deflowered me. I was happy for him to think that.

It was the first time lust had come accompanied by love, therefore my very first and only true relationship, in the proper meaning of the word.

Invitations, guest lists, seating arrangements, I did as little as I could get away with and let Alice and Esme and their friend, Rose, who appeared out of the blue the minute she heard the news.

"Bella Swan, let me shake your hand. You won me a new BMW M3 convertible. I bet Emmett that Edward would meet a girl and settle down for real. I knew if he did the madness with Tanya, Emmett wouldn't pay up, because it was a sham marriage but that seemed as close as he would ever get to being part of a couple, so I am delighted I am right. He does have a heart and he does listen to it."

I raised my eyebrows, being around people who bet cars that were worth as much as Charlie's house was weird and unnerving. I was used to bets where the winner got out of the washing up.

Rose proved to be just as nice as Alice and I decided to ask her to also be in the wedding party. Alice hugged me and thanked me for including her dear friend. I really had nobody else to ask, my closest friend was maybe Jess, and we rarely spoke since Mike stupidly told her he was in love with me. There had been no encouragement from me, I liked him but would never see him as more than a casual friend.

Maybe this wedding would give him the push he needed to move on and see what a gem he had in Jess.

Edward spent every night in my bed, with me enclosed in his warm arms, thanking me for accepting his proposal and telling me how much he loved me and how his life would be changing so much for the better now.

He didn't invite his New York friends to the wedding, he said none were close, personal friends, more casual acquaintances he knew from work or his hobby, which he immediately stopped talking about and changed the subject.

I puzzled over this elusive hobby, he clearly expected me to disapprove. Maybe he did dangerous things, extreme sports, like jump out of planes or climb mountains or abseiling.

I didn't ask if Tanya was invited and he didn't tell me.

xXx XxX xXx

Edward Cullen

The wedding was all I had dreamed and more. Watching Bella walk down the aisle on Charlie's arm, I told myself, at least she was getting a chance to have a full life that she deserved. She would live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, she would get to travel, I loved France and Italy and Switzerland, we would go everywhere and it would be like the first time for me, seeing it through her eyes.

She would never have to work again, but of course, she could if that was what she wanted. I hoped she would write her novel, and find out one way or the other if she had the necessary talent to be a successful author.

There was still the subject of my lifestyle, but Emmett had confided in me, he and Rose played at Dom and Sub, and if anyone could be a less likely sub, it was Rose. If she could do it, even just as a role now and then, I was sure Bella could. Maybe Rose would encourage her to try.

Anyway, she had our honeymoon to enjoy, I would not be even broaching the subject of what I hoped she would want to enjoy with me when we moved back to my house ,while we spent this special time together.

I had a large house and a special room, and I hoped she would love and appreciate both.

She couldn't believe I wanted her to choose where to go on our honeymoon, I expected Paris, didn't all girls want to visit the city of love? I could do romantic, in full force, I could be what she needed as well.

She chose the unusual destination of Emily Bronte's area of England, Haworth on the West Yorkshire Pennine's, so after the reception, we made our way to the airport and flew to the UK for three weeks.

The sex was awesome, and I prayed if my wife rejected my lifestyle completely, that some miracle would occur and turn me 'normal' and allow me to change and be happy with our fantastic sex life as it was already.

I was never disappointed when we made love, it was just that my mind always went further, always showed me in my head what extra things we could have added, and just the hope made me harder and more determined to enjoy 'vanilla' sex than ever. Soon, she will be mine in every way. I was convinced I could introduce her to another kind of love, well, another kind of sex, I had never loved my subs.

I had liked them, and appreciated their efforts to be what I needed. But each year I had been glad to do 'out with the old and in with the new'. Some had been better than others, some more obedient, more into their role, others had been more enthusiastic and willing, no matter what I did to them.

The idea Bella may one day be doing what they had done was intoxicating. It was my every fantasy, to enjoy sex the way I preferred it most but with the woman I loved. It would be so much more than before, it would be everything.

Finally, the days of wandering the moors and listening to quotes from the books, and seeing the houses and village where the Bronte sisters had lived so long ago was done and we were going home.

Bella slept on the plane and I woke her gently when we arrived. My right hand man in New York, Demetri, met us at the airport and had our luggage stowed. Bella had several suitcases stuffed full of my sister's much sought after outfits, and she loved wearing them and having people ask her who the designer was.

"My sister-in-law, Alice Whitlock."

She was thrilled if they had heard of Alice and she handed out Alice's cards to anyone who asked.

The critics had loved Alice's showing of her first collection, and called her the 'next big thing.'

Laughable, seeing she was all of five foot tall and maybe a hundred pounds wringing wet.

I couldn't wait to get my wife home and as the car approached the front gate of my property, Bella sat up and her eyes widened.

"Edward, is this a gated housing estate?" she asked.

"No, it's all ours. This is my house here. We have an apartment in the city and a house in France and apartments in London, and most countries, but this is what we will call home."

She could hardly stand upright when Demetri opened the door for her, and I stood beside her and supported her so she could come to grips with a house maybe six times the size of Carlisle and Esme's house, which I had overheard Bella call the biggest mansion she had ever seen.

She was speechless and I couldn't judge if she even liked my house, her eyes were as wide as saucers and she crept from room to room and everything made her gasp.

The kitchen made the biggest impact, she drooled over my appliances and was hard to move on for the rest of the tour.

"This is our bedroom." I said, stepping back and letting her walk in alone.

She walked around the bed and looked into the walk in closets and his and hers bathrooms.

"It looks unused." she said when she looked into hers.

"Of course it is, this house has never had a mistress before." I answered, puzzled.

"Didn't your six lovers live in?"she asked.

I decided to bite the bullet.

"Bella, lovers is a broad term. I didn't love them, but you know that."

She nodded.

"They were my sex partners. They liked what I liked so we had arrangements. Contracts."

"They were prostitutes?" she said in horror.

"No, no, sweetheart. They were my subs."

She furrowed her brow.

"Subs? Substitutes?"

"Submissive's." I corrected.

"They were submissive to you?"

"I was their Dom. Their Dominant. They served me."

"Served you how?"

"Anyway I chose."

She looked seriously confused.

"Come, follow me."

"This is my bedroom, where I slept when I had a sub in the house. Most came here Friday nights and left Sunday evenings."

"Do you have a dog?" she asked, spying the pallet on the floor beside my bed.

"No, that's where they would sleep, if I wanted them available to me at night."

She looked shocked.

"They had their own bedroom. Here."

I opened the door. The bedroom was large and neutrally decorated and had a balcony overlooking the back garden and a walk in closet and a large bathroom.

"So, they slept in here if you didn't want to...use them that night?"

"This was their own space, I never came in uninvited. They never entered my bedroom unless I ordered them to."

She swallowed loudly.

"Are you still going to have one of these Subs now we are married?" she asked, a touch louder than a whisper.

"Of course not." I assured her, my arms around her shaking body.

She nodded.

"Then you won't keep the rooms like this?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"I was hoping, in time, you might.."

"Be your Sub?" she finished, horrified.

"Bella, I would never ask you to do anything you were not comfortable with."

"Do you have a playroom?" she asked and I grinned. She knew about playrooms, excellent.

I unlocked the door down the dead ended hallway and led her in. She gasped at the sight of my toys hanging ready on the walls and my large bed, with no linen, just a vinyl covered mattress. And she opened drawers and chests and looked at various items that had all been destroyed and replaced between subs. I would never reuse anything on a second girl.

I explained that to her and she raised her eyebrows, and walked out of the room.

"Bella, I said I hope in time. I don't expect you to participate until you learn what I do, what I like. I am hoping there are some things you will enjoy as well."

"I can tell you now, that's unlikely. Do you want to annul the marriage because I had no idea you expected me to want to do stuff like that? You should have told me, Edward! How would you like it if I sprung on you I wanted you to dress like a woman or a dog, or pretend to be gay for my amusement?"

"That's hardly the same." I argued.

"No, that's almost normal to what you expect. Those chains, the harnesses? Edward, I am sorry, just NO. Never happening. I would like to stay a few days seeing the trip is so long but if that was what you expected, I am sorry you wasted your money on the wedding and honeymoon."

She burst into tears and shook off my attempt to hold her.

"Can I have a bedroom of my own, please, and not that bedroom?" she cried, pointing at the Sub's room.

I took her to a guestroom on the floor above and had Demetri carry her suitcases inside the room. He looked questioningly at me and I shrugged. Later.

He understood and he walked out and left us alone.

"Bella, please don't leave. I married you because I love you and I want to share my life with you. I hoped maybe you would be willing to make me happy someday by playing with me in my playroom but if it's a deal breaker, I will never ask you again. Please don't run home at the first hurdle. I thought you loved me."

"I love the Edward I met in Forks. Had he told me he was this Edward, I would have left those groceries on the counter and gone home and cooked Dad a steak and potatoes." she answered.

"I'm sorry, I should have waited. I was just wanting to show all of me to you. I wanted you to know everything I am. I have never shared myself with a woman before, I have only ever been their Dom. I hoped you would want me both as a lover and a husband, and as your master."

"I'm tired, Edward, please let me sleep. I have a lot to consider. How long will it take to get a seat on a flight back to Seattle? Should I book now, we can cancel if we work something out. But I have to tell you, those things looked like instruments of torture to me. The ball gag? The canes? The whips? What did I ever do to make you think I would ever want to do anything like that?"

"You did nothing, my love. I'm so sorry. As I said, I love you, Bella, if you can never accept any of that lifestyle, we will still be okay. Just don't shut me out and don't run from me, I beg you."

She sat on the bed and started to unlace her tall boots and I sighed and left.

Maybe after a night's sleep, she will see things differently.

I slept in our new bedroom and in the night, I felt a small, warm body slip in beside me, and I turned and spooned her precious self, stroking her cheeks and finding them wet and her nightdress soaked from many tears.

"I'm so sorry I can't be what you need. I understand now, why you never believed there is an ideal woman for you. I love you, Edward, with all my heart but there's no point, is there? I can never be what you need."

"Sssh, I told you I want you anyway you can give yourself to me. If that means a life of vanilla sex, so be it. You make me happy just by being my wife, now forget tonight and sleep. I love you, my Bella."

Her little body shook as she slept, and she cried out in fear several times and it didn't take a dream analyst to know what her nightmares were about.

I may have just ruined everything, and thrown away the best thing to ever happen to me.


	4. Chapter 4

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 4

Communication

Bella Swan Cullen

I wanted to make Edward happy, truly I did and I believed in compromises if two people did not agree on anything important so I was determined not to run home to Charlie, like Edward said, I married him because I loved him and maybe he was right, maybe amongst whatever he liked doing, there would be some things here and there I could handle.

Sometimes during the day when I was hit with a writer's block, I would go and open that bedroom door and look at the bed he used to sleep in and the pallet on the floor. It was just wrong, to me, that a human would expect another human to sleep on the floor like some pet.

Edward had suggested we didn't even discuss this stuff again until I had a chance to settle into married life and explored the city and became comfortable sharing my life with him.

I agreed, the longer it took to find out what he hoped for, the better, because I knew I would be letting him down.

He left the door to his playroom unlocked by day and I was allowed to wander inside and examine anything, but I mostly found it extremely scary. Ball gags, whips, chains, things I could not even guess the intended purpose of, just freaked me out.

Rose befriended me and spoke openly about her sex life with Emmett, it seemed rich and varied.

One day I dared ask her if they had similar tastes to Edward and she laughed.

"Bella, Edward is a Dom, Emmett is a teddybear. We have roleplaying as a source of enjoyment and amusement but we are not serious about those roles. I like some of the ideas, the blindfold can be fun, being handcuffed or handcuffing Emm can be a turn on. I never say No until Emmett explains exactly what he wants to try and then I do say No if I hate the idea and he respects me for that. I would never indulge in Emmett causing any kind of pain being inflicted on me, nothing too kinky, nothing too out there.

I can't say I even know much about the whole Dom/Sub scene but I don't want to know, either. All I can say, is be open minded but be upfront and call a halt to anything that scares you or hurts you or you hate. It would be sad to see you grow away from Edward because you let him do things you didn't like. I imagine that would lead to avoiding sex and neither of you want that, just remind him of that fact if he gets pushy."

I enjoyed our sex life but it did bother me that Edward found it lacking. He spoke of acts I would never want to try as he got lost near his orgasm, and I knew he was imagining these things in his head, but if that was enough, just imagining, then I was not going to object to his words.

Rose had suggested we talk and he could tell me some of his likes and I could put them firmly into lists of Yes, No and Maybe.

Edward grinned when I told him the idea and he removed my scrap of lingerie and bit gently on my nipples as I spoke.

"Do you like this?" he asked.

"If you don't bite too hard, it's okay." I answered.

"Would you consider nipple clamps?" he asked.

"That sounds painful, would they hurt more than what you do now?"

"Hmm, maybe but some girls love them." he answered, tweaking my nipples with his fingers then kissing them and sucking one into his mouth.

I hated him pointing out that some girls liked stuff I didn't, his words made me feel inadequate and inhibited. Like the town librarian.

I truly wondered why he hadn't married a sub. If he slept with them for a year, surely he must have had some feelings for some of them, at least.

I also didn't like his friend James, the man he discussed his hobby with. James knew Edward's subs and had even used them himself so he thought nothing of discussing activities with his current sub, who was apparently Edward's last girl.

Edward refused to discuss any of this in my presence and he restricted his talks with James to inside his private study but often curiosity got the better of me and I eavesdropped and always ended up wishing I hadn't. The regret and longing in his voice was what hurt me the most.

He missed his former activities and I feared the time would come when he cheated on me simply because I could not be what he needed. He swore that would never happen but he got more restless as time went by.

I suggested we do mild things, like the blindfold, and enjoyed it but it was clearly very basic and nothing like what he wanted to do.

Handcuffs, fine, but my hands longed to stroke his body as he pounded into mine, I missed touching him although I assured him it was fine. Mainly he seemed to like silence while we had sex, I could never think of these games as making love, that was what we did in our own bed, after romantic dinners or evenings out.

Edward talked in his sleep and his desires and memories brought tears to my eyes, I knew I would never be willing to do what he spoke of so excitedly.

I tried to come up with a solution, maybe to hang on to my marriage I would have to make a massive compromise.

On the night of his 28th birthday, I decided to tell him.

We had dinner with Emmett and Rose, who lived nearby, and Esme and Carlisle had flown into the city as well, and now Alice and Jasper lived close, with her popularity demanding she work in New York these days, it was the full family affair.

I tried to relax and come to terms with my decision but I saw all the women giving me strained looks during dinner, so clearly my face was as readable as ever.

I was bailed up in the Ladies room by them all.

"So, what is going on?" demanded Rose.

She looked angry, I guess she had the most insight to our lives out of the three women so she suspected Edward was forcing me into something I hated. I assured them all was well. Esme looked very worried but I told her I was simply tired and needed to get more sleep, Alice simply looked at me silently and unnerved me most of all of them. I feared she could read my mind.

After they released me and let me go back to the table, Alice touched my arm.

"Don't."was all she said.

I didn't see I had any choice.

Edward drove me home in silence, he was as aware as they were that something was up and as soon as we got indoors, he grabbed me and turned me to face him.

"Are you leaving me?" he asked, his lips angry, his face ashen.

"No, Edward, why would you ask that?" I cried. I was willing to do whatever he needed to be happy and keep our marriage intact.

"My father pointed out you are not happy. I see that for myself." he stated, sitting on a chair and running his fingers through his hair.

"I am happy. I just worry because you aren't happy." I told him honestly.

"I am happy enough." he answered.

"No, you aren't, don't lie. I have heard you when you talk to James, why didn't you marry a sub or go on as you were? I know you regret marrying me."

"You think I regret marrying you? You don't know anything." he cried back.

"Edward, you talk in your sleep, I know you miss your former activities. I have made a decision."

"What?" he answered, barely looking at me.

"I think you need to take on a Sub again. If you love me and don't love her.."

"No!" he shouted, grabbing my hands.

His eyes were anguished.

"I promised to keep myself only for you and I intend to keep that promise."

"I can never be what you need, Edward, never. I have read books, I know what Dom's like, I can't do those things. Ever." I whispered.

"Bella, I promised I would be happy with whatever you did feel comfortable doing and I am trying."

"I know, so am I, but it's not enough for you and the longer it goes on, the less it will be."

"Bella, help me, I want to be happy with us, I am trying so hard and I know you are as well. I just don't know what we can do."

"It's your birthday, tonight I want you to do whatever you want to me." I answered."Take me into your playroom and do what you need to do. I won't stop you."

The light that lit in his eyes told me he was loving the idea.

He stood and kissed me deeply and I felt his mouth smile against mine. Surely I could stand one night of whatever he chose to enjoy. He grinned and grabbed my hand, leading us towards the playroom.

"I promise you can trust me, I won't do anything you can't handle, we can use a safe word, I am so excited, Bella, thank you so much."

He paused at the door and asked me to enter the room naked, and to not speak. I nodded, and he turned and looked at me with clear love in his eyes but also near frantic anticipation.

"The word you need to say if you need me to slow down but not stop is "yellow" and "red' means stop instantly. Don't be afraid to say them."

I nodded, nervously.

I stripped my clothes off and waited and he called for me to walk inside.

I knew the basic rules, eyes looking at the floor, no eye contact ever, no speaking, no touching him, just do what he says.

"Sit and listen." he said, in a voice so unlike his usual velvet tone I almost looked up at him.

I sat crosslegged on the floor and he approached and flicked my hair back with a riding crop.

"I am not going to injure you in any way, be aware of that. I want you on your hands and knees in the middle of the bed. Now."

I scrambled to my feet and climbed onto the bed and got into position.

"Very nice."

He walked around the bed, lightly touching me on my back with the crop.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye and waited for whatever was coming next.

He ordered me to turn and come close to the edge of the bed and as I did, he removed the cotton pants he had changed into and he held his erect shaft in his hand.

"Take me into your mouth." he ordered and I did so. Blowjobs were not a problem, I had been relieving him in this way the whole six months of our marriage when 'that time of the month' occurred. I knew by now he hated not having proper full sex at those times but it seemed too messy and possibly painful to me.

He was different this time, usually he lay on his back and thus let me control the depth and pace, this time he was fully in charge and he thrust down my throat so fast and so fully I almost gagged.

I immediately breathed in and out through my nose and concentrated on not throwing up as he thrust in and out, slapping the bedside with the crop.

He pulled out and ordered me onto my back, and instructed me to allow my head to hang over the edge of the mattress then he thrust inside my mouth again, reaching far deeper than before and I fought against my gag reflex to allow him to continue. It felt far more invasive and feral than what we had done before but not too bad. I counted it as successful when I didn't gag or choke, and he came down the back of my throat forcing me to swallow or drown.

He removed himself from my mouth and ordered me onto my hands and knees and I felt the crop being traced over my body, between my legs, over my breasts but gently.

Then he struck me across the backside and I jumped in surprise, it hadn't hurt much, just stung. Immediately he rubbed the area with one hand, and then he struck me again on the other buttock. I was prepared this time, and he alternated between the two, rubbing me briskly in between.

I could see his erection, he was getting turned on by hitting me this way. He climbed up behind me and pushed himself inside and pounded into me, never touching me anywhere else, making no attempt to make me come, only himself. It felt kind of bleak and uncaring but not painful.

His hands started grasping my buttocks and he traced a finger between my cheeks, causing me to stiffen.

"That's where I want to be, inside here where no man has gone before, will you allow me inside you here, sweet Bella. You may nod."

I shook my head. That would have to be painful, surely.

"I said Nod." he said loudly, his finger rubbing at my back entrance, as he continued thrusting inside me.

"Not tonight, you will need to be prepared first, but you will like it, I promise."

I nodded, seeing it wasn't about to happen now. We would be talking about any backdoor sex later. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad? Rose had said they did it, and while it wasn't her idea of fun, she said it was okay.

Maybe this could be a compromise, if he led up to it slowly.

He paused mid stroke and I heard the unmistakable sound of a vibrator being switched on and he held it against my clit and he teased me with it, pushing it closer then taking it away. I hated the foreign plastic feeling and was shocked to find my body reacting.

"Come now, Bella." he said loudly and harshly.

I was not enjoying this but it wasn't painful so I allowed my traitorous body to react to the device. As I felt the sure signs I was about to come, I felt a well lubricated finger enter my backside and I let out a yell, all thought of releasing lost in that moment.

"Shh, no speaking." he warned. He teased me back to orgasm with the vibrator and this time I was tipped over the edge and his finger felt okay, it was kind of a turn on, I guess. Maybe I could get used to that.

He lifted me upright, back towards his chest and bit my earlobe.

"Soon, that will be my cock inside you, you will like that, won't you? You may nod."

I nodded. Whatever.

He reached and put a gag over my mouth but it was just a normal strip of nylon, not one of the hideous ball gags, so I opened my mouth and allowed him to tie it on me.

He kept pumping inside me and his fingers started pulling on my nipple and with the other hand he stroked my other breast with the crop, getting firmer until he actually started slapping my breasts with it. It stung and I was about to warn him with a "yellow" when he slapped me between the legs as he withdrew.

The crop hit me right on my clit and hurt like a bitch and without thinking, I jumped away from him and turned,grabbing the crop from his hand and hit out at him, catching him across the cheek. I froze as a small split appeared on his face. Blood oozed out of the cut but it was the look in his eyes that made me freeze.

"You can never, ever hit your Dom" he growled. "Now I have to punish you."

He grabbed the crop and then pulled me towards the table that stood in the center of the room, shackling my wrists so I was bent over the wooden surface.

He ordered me to count and I panicked and tried to yell "red" around the gag, I hadn't given a thought that I would not be able to speak, when I allowed him to tie it on me.

"One" he yelled, and the crop stung hard against my right buttock.

"Two" he called. "Three. "

Four was on my left side as were five and six.

I was both incredibly sore and very angry by then, and he must have known but he started back on the right side again.

I was flinching and trying to turn away from the crop and he seemed to be getting carried away, hitting me harder.

Shit, if I were not shackled he would be back and blue on his own backside by now.

I tried to cry out and discovered by tensing as I had been, it hurt more so I attempted to relax the muscles in my cheeks.

"You can never hit your Dom, that is the worst infraction. Do you understand?" he growled and I nodded, hoping he would stop.

I could feel the welts on my cheeks, I would not be able to sit down for a week if he didn't stop.

At nine, he was back on my left hand cheek and I was wilting rapidly, falling flat onto the table.

The tears were both from pain and rage and I was furious but so sore, I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything back when he released me.

"Twelve." he announced and threw the crop on the bed.

He grabbed at my ponytail and lifted my head up. His eyes were wild with fury and looked black. He was not my Edward at all in that moment. Veins stood up in his neck, throbbing and engorged.

"Never hit your Dom, never, ever hit your Dom." he shouted and dropped me back down.

I got it, I had crossed the line, I was not allowed to inflict pain on him no matter what he chose to do to me. I didn't care any more, as soon as he undid the handcuffs, I was out of here. I would be going to our bedroom, grabbing my purse and running for it.

He could keep the clothes he enjoyed showering me with, and the jewellery and everything else. I just wanted to get the hell away from this room and this house, and yes, this man.

This was not who I married.

I heard him gasp and quickly unclasp the cuffs,and I stood to make my getaway and immediately fell to the floor.

Dammit, my legs were dead.

Edward lifted me in a bridal hold, how funny, and carried me to the cold, vinyl covered bed . His eyes were wide and frightened and definitely back in the moment, unlike the feral creature I had watched before. He kissed my head and lay me down on my side.

His hands were stroking my backside, which burned like the fires of Hell.

"Shit, Bella, why didn't you use the safeword?" he demanded.

Then he saw the gag and untied it, dropping it to the floor.

"Shit, I forgot, I'm so sorry, let me run a bath, I can fix this," he assured us both.

Having no choice, I lay and waited and he came back and carried me to the bathroom and he stepped into the water, lowering me into his lap.

I hissed at the feeling of pain as the water bit into my welts, and he turned me over and gently caressed my cheeks.

Too late, my mind screamed but the pain prevented me from even forming words and I moaned and sagged in the bathwater.

"Shit, shit, shit.' he panicked.

He stood and carried me to my bed in the bedroom I had spent half of my first night in this house, and lay me facedown and dried my body with a soft, warm towel. Then he left and returned with a tube of some sort of salve and he gently smeared it over my entire backside.

"Bella, I am so sorry, I just lost control when you hit me." he babbled.

Yeah, I could understand that. I had totally lost control myself when I whacked him across the face with the riding crop but I hit him once, in shock and anger. He had hit me deliberately, coldly, calculatingly, twelve times.

He tipped a couple of painkillers out of a bottle and pushed them into my mouth. I considered spitting them at him but I needed relief from the throbbing, pulsing, all encompassing pain that was taking over my mind so I swallowed the water he offered.

He left again and returned with two bags of frozen peas which he placed against my fiery cheeks and I sighed loudly. Thank God, my backside was numbing from the pills and coldness.

Despite myself, I felt my eyelids flutter and close, and I succumbed into darkness, but I was still determined to leave the second I awoke again.

I woke myself up in the night, my screams ripping me from slumber to full consciousness immediately each time.

Edward had me laying on my right side, his arm around me, my head on his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, I will make this up to you." he repeated over and over until I wanted to scream. Sometimes he gave me more pills and I drank them down, and oblivion soon followed.

The fuckery of the past evening messed with my dreams and I started controlling them, inventing scenes where I drugged Edward unconscious and beat the living daylights out of him with the hated crop.

"Never hit your fucking wife!" I screamed at him, as he lay bleeding from his entire body.

I smiled at that dream, it was satisfying.

I was disappointed when I awoke and found it was merely fantasy.

Edward was no longer in my bed,

I scowled at the sound of James' voice.

Surprisingly, he was clearly angry at my husband.

"For God's sake, she was a virgin, what the Hell were you thinking?"

I was confused.

"Bella was not a virgin, she had a few lovers ahead of me." Edward answered, his voice defensive.

"Yes, but she has never been a Sub, she was a virgin to your activities. I can't believe you hit her. Twelve strokes, Edward, that would be excessive even for a long practised Sub breaking the rules."

"I know, I just lost it and she didn't speak, she didn't tell me to stop."

"And that was because of the small matter of the gag?" James retorted.

"I fucking forgot. I was lost in the moment, but had she spoken out, I would have stopped."

"I think you are in deep shit. What you did clearly comes in the category of assault, with a weapon. If she goes to the cops..."

"Her father is Chief of Police at Forks. That's where she will run to." Edward said hopelessly. "I deserve it, I welcome whatever punishment he hands out. Maybe he will do us all a favor and shoot me."

I lay in bed and listened as Edward accepted his fate and my resolve weakened.

James left and Edward came into the bedroom.

"Bella, I know there is nothing I can do or say. Do you want me to take you home to Charlie?" he asked.

I shook my head. I needed time to decide what would be happening but running home like a frightened child would not be the solution.

I was an adult, I stupidly put myself in that situation and Edward clearly had gone way too long without relieving the frustrations of being unable to play his games. It had been a powder keg, waiting for the flame to cause the explosion.

I was not making excuses for him, my first trip to the playroom would also be my last, and I wanted an annulment or divorce as soon as it could be arranged but I also wanted to discuss this all with my husband.

"We need to talk." I said.

He looked surprised but also a flash of hope appeared in his eyes.

No way, pal. We are done.

I sat upright and suddenly realized I was about to vomit.

I pushed the covers away and tried to stand but my legs were stiff and pain shot through my backside and all I could do was lean over the side of the bed and empty my stomach onto the wooden floor.

Edward rushed to my side and grabbed my hair back out of the way.

Finally my stomach was empty and I lay back down while Edward looked scared and agitated.

"We have to take you to a Doctor. Something's wrong. I hurt you too much, I have done something really bad to you."

I looked at his fearful eyes.

"I feel okay now. It was probably shock." I informed him.

"I'm calling my father." he stated.

"Edward, I don't think that is a good idea. He will know what you did."

"I don't care, I deserve whatever happens to me but you are sick. We need a doctor."

In the end he compromised and called his best friend who was also a GP, Emmett, and luckily he was not at work.

I had seen Emmett professionally before, so it was fine with me for him to come here.

Edward carried me to our bedroom and went back to clean the other bedroom while Emmett examined me, and found me fine except for the welts, which hurt like a bitch again.

"Any headaches? Nausea? Pain?" he asked me.

"Well my backside feels like it spent time in an open fire but apart from that, I just want to eat. I guess my stomach dislikes being empty."

"Just have something plain, dry toast, tea, see how you feel. I will be back shortly, Edward and I need to have a little chat."

Emmett smiled and patted my head and he called to Rose to make me tea and toast.

She came in and sat beside me while I scoffed it down.

"Bella, was it bad? I can't believe Edward lost control. He has never done anything like that before." she assured me.

"He has never hit a Sub?" I queried.

"He has never been out of control." she qualified.

"I may have inflamed a bad situation, hitting him across the face with the crop." I admitted.

She smiled.

"I would have paid to see that." she snarked.

"It was rather satisfying." I confessed.

"So, are you and him done? History? I wouldn't blame you."

"I can't see a solution that doesn't involve divorce and me moving out today." I admitted.

"Come stay with us, Emmett can keep an eye on you and I can play nursemaid. I would enjoy the company."

"Why? Aren't you working?" I asked her.

"No, Emmett thinks our lack of luck in conceiving is down to my stressful career so I have been home for two weeks now. Bored out of my skull."

"Is it helping?" I asked and she blushed a becoming shade of red.

"I suspect maybe it has been. I am doing to test in the morning."

"Dammit, Rose, I want to be around when your baby is born." I lamented.

"Then stay. We have six empty bedrooms, even with one being turned into the nursery, we can fit you and four other battered wives in. Please stay." she begged.

"Okay." I agreed. I was not ready to make any permanent decisions so Rose packed a bag for me and we were waiting by the front door when an angry Emmett emerged, followed by a remorseful Edward now sporting four black stitches in the gash on his cheek.

He looked so sad and ashamed I felt sorry for him until I moved and my bum hurt like a bitch and reminded me why he should be hurting.

He carried my bag to Emm's car and Rose sat in the backseat next to me, ignoring Edward completely.

As Emmett slammed his door, Rose opened the window and looked at her brother-in-law.

"Send her mail on to ours. Don't visit." she ordered, shutting the window.

Their house was maybe half the size of Edward's, therefore massive. My bedroom was on the lower floor, at the back, away from the others which were all on the second floor.

I was allowed to choose and I liked the idea of being away from everyone else in the house. I had a large sliding door that opened onto a patio overlooking the pool, and my own bathroom.

Tired as I was, I knew I wouldn't sleep for hours yet, I was too agitated.

I changed into one of Rose's swimsuits and gingerly lowered myself into the water in the pool. The stinging faded as the coldness numbed my bum.

After an hour or so, I returned to my room and unpacked the bag, finding the tube of salve slipped into the zip section.

I felt a tiny pang of thanks for Edward doing this until I reminded myself, I wouldn't need it at all if not for him.

I painted my cheeks and looked in the mirror. For all his rage, I had no bruising and the marks had faded a lot already. I knew I had inflicted worse on myself falling off bikes and horses and out of windows and trees.

The red lines looked awful but really, they would be gone in a week.

I was determined not to turn into someone with a battered wife mentality and find excuses for what he did, but I didn't feel any hate towards him, just disappointment that we had ended so soon, and like this.

I felt the tears begin finally, and they were so long overdue I welcomed them as they dripped off my chin. My pillow was soaked by the time I fell asleep.

Lunch was quite subdued and Emmett was willing to talk so I asked him what he thought I should do.

"I am in no way excusing what he did but if you consider it in the context he was in Dom mode, you were being his Sub, and you did the worst offence possible, he retaliated as he would have with any Sub. He has punished like that before, remember Siobhan?" he asked Rose and she laughed.

"She loved him hitting her though, that was different. She liked the beltings as much as the sex. I think she forced the punishments just to have hot, angry sex with him, in fact." Rose replied.

"Punishing is all part of the deal. But you are his wife, not his Sub, and he lost sight of that fact. Has he ever raised his hand at you before?" Emmett asked.

"No." I hurriedly replied."Never. He has never even spoken harshly to me. That was not him in that room."

"What do you mean?" asked Rose.

"He was completely different. He was like a completely other person, the way he was during sex, the way he ordered me around, the way he fucked me without his usual care and attention. I unleashed a monster by offering him a free reign for last night only. He changed the moment he entered that playroom."

"And that is the way it is with any Dom. They become a separate entity in their territory. He should never have accepted your offer. You should never have offered either." he growled.

I realized that now, I had gone in not knowing nearly enough of the rules governing both his and my own behaviour. I had ceased to be his wife in that room, he had stopped being Edward, my husband and had reverted to the Dom he had been all these years. Before there was no question, the girl was his Sub and he did whatever he wanted and she took it.

I had no business putting myself in that position without learning much more first. And he should have refused to allow me to enter that room. I knew he was so full of regret and frustration at the loss of his long practised sex games, and I had been insane doing what I had.

I was as responsible as he was.

But he had hit me and hurt me and I had not expected that.

Rose lent me her laptop and I Googled Dominants and Submissives and became more convinced than ever that this would never be anything I wanted to try again.

Flowers arrived and Rose read the card and handed it to me.

"What do you want to do with them? Bin or keep?" she asked.

"Rose, what do you think I should do?" I asked.

"With the flowers or with Edward?" she asked me.

"With my marriage." I replied.

"I think if I were you I would insist on both couples counselling with someone who understands the whole Dom culture, and also I would insist Edward have some behaviour modification therapy. I don't see any other options. You haven't asked for a lawyer, so I assume you have cooled it on the whole divorce thing?"

"I don't know what to do, honestly. I understand what we did was foolhardy and bound to end that way but I didn't know what I was letting myself in for. I can understand it was a different Edward in that room, I saw that for myself."

"So, you don't want to be his Sub but you want to remain his wife?"

"I have no idea if that will even be possible but we need to talk."

I stood suddenly.

"Bella?" said Rose in alarm.

"Bathroom." I choked and ran for the toilet, my stomach heaving as I leaned over the porcelain.

"Emmett, Bella's throwing up again." screamed Rose, following me in.

Emmett sat me on a chair after I cleaned my teeth.

"How do you feel?" he asked, his finger on my wrist.

"Same as yesterday. Suddenly really ill, then I throw up and feel fine. Hungry."

Rose gasped and caught her husband's eye.

"Bella, could you be pregnant?" Emmett asked me.

I choked.

"No way in Hell."

"You two have sex, and I have kept you supplied with prescriptions of the Pill since the wedding. Have you ever missed any?"

"Never." I replied.

"Any illness?"

"No." I answered firmly. "Oh, the bladder infection." I amended.

Honeymoon cystitis, it had been a recurring problem since we started sleeping together, too much sex. Neither of us wanted to take a break for a month to let it clear up so it was controlled by daily low dose antibiotics.

"I think the medication may have affected the Pill. I warned you that could happen." he reminded me. We had used condoms for a time but forgot more often than we remembered and then the infection cleared up anyway and I went off the antibiotics.

"I have a spare test or six." Rose said and went to get one.

I peed on the stick and prayed we were not adding another victim into the fuckery that was our marriage.


	5. Chapter 5

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter Five

Salvation

Edward Cullen

Two sleepless nights and I was sure Bella would end us. I had called Emmett and he told me she was okay, resting, the marks were fading and had not caused any physical damage, just emotional. I knew I had been out of control but I also knew it had been inevitable. I was solely to blame, I had spent six years as a Dom and marrying Bella and giving up that role had been impossible. I had lived in denial and tried to convince myself I enjoyed having her as my equal. I did, funnily enough but I sorely missed my former lifestyle and my dreams were always about my wife embracing my lifestyle and liking what I liked.

I became more and more edgy as the months passed. Bella sensed this and did her best, we had sex every morning and evening, during the day weekends, she never denied me except when she always had before, during her cycle.

It frustrated me beyond reason, to have to endure a week of no sex, wasn't the fact I was settling for vanilla sex enough?

Why wouldn't she give in on just that one thing, then I would feel like she wanted to be there for me. I was getting resentful, despite the fact I loved her deeply, as much as ever.

I wished I had taken a break in between the Dom/Sub lifestyle before I met her, maybe if I had gotten it out of my system first, we would have stood a chance.

I was clearly no superhero, I had assumed I could handle the lack of games but they were too deeply ingrained, I had never gone a month before, sometimes I borrowed a sub from James while waiting to sign up my new replacement if the end of a contract didn't fall at the same time as a new one was started.

In truth,I had never gone without games and complete control over a woman for a week, if that.

Bella suggested a few things but all they did was mock me, remind me of what other things I had done to a blindfolded Sub, or the ways I had fucked any Sub in handcuffs.

Bella was everything to me but yet not enough.

Some nights I wanted to tell her exactly how I felt but watching her sleep, I felt so close to her and so lucky to have her, it was not her fault I was this perverted monster. I truly wished I had never awoken him, this greedy, controlling inner person who only felt complete satisfaction when I inflicted pain on the woman I fucked.

Pleasure and pain seemed to go hand in hand, one without the other was just not enough.

And I had never been refused sex, my Subs had all allowed sex during their periods and backdoor sex, but Bella was not willing to explore either option.

If she wouldn't change and I couldn't change, we were clearly doomed.

I didn't want that, I would be nothing without her.

My 28th birthday arrived and the family dinner was strangely tense. I pounced on my Father as soon as the women did that group bathroom visit thing, and he looked at me in surprise.

"Bella's not happy, surely you can see that for yourself. What's the problem?" he asked.

I wished I could tell him but I didn't wish to diminish myself in his eyes by admitting I needed rough sex and obedience to feel like a man.

He had always been so gentle towards my mother, I was sure he was the same in the bedroom. He would never understand the basic need I had to dominate and have a woman do my bidding. I needed the release of thinking only of my own pleasure in bed, and feeling the satisfactory jolt as I used a whip or cane on her body. All my Subs had enjoyed my sessions, I knew how to make them enjoy the feel of leather against their skin and I unthinkingly slapped the crop against Bella's genitals just as I had always done to my Subs.

She had thrilled and surprised me by offering a night in the playroom as my birthday gift. I had been convinced she wanted to leave me, so I was doubly euphoric when instead, she gave me permission to do whatever I wanted to her.

I knew the crop would come into play, and I tried to keep it mild, and just enough to have it's usual erotic effect but the more I slapped at her, the more I wanted to really hit her and see her take it.

Sex without having to provide pleasure to your partner is selfish and I was surprised how much I missed it. I had loved seeing Bella come undone at my touch since the first time we had slept together. I assumed this new habit would replace the old but once I was in her mouth and pushing in deeply and recklessly, all those memories of fucking my Subs with no thought of their pleasure had returned.

I did pleasure them as well, many times but I liked having sex for myself alone as well, and Bella and I had never done that, except for her week of downtime when she gave me blowjobs.

I think maybe they kept the selfish sex fire burning, it may have been more sensible to abstain that week each month. A taste of sinful selfish pleasure had kept the spark alive.

James' reaction and words to what had occurred puzzled me at first, I had fully expected him to sympathise and understand how things had gotten out of hand. At worst, I expected him to tell me I never should have married a normal woman, but his attack on my actions had been a shock.

They made me look at myself and see this was entirely wrong and completely my fault.

"For fucks sake Edward, would you employ a woman who had trouble speaking anything other than her own language and expect her to work in a career where she had to translate ten other languages? You took a woman who knew nothing but vanilla and demanded rocky road and black forest gateau. You couldn't have started gently, and told her what you wanted? Waiting and then bingeing clearly was a stupid idea. I don't begin to understand what you were thinking."

"I thought I could have it all, I thought she had changed her mind and once she had a taste of adventure, she would loosen up and join in. I knew she may hate it, I guess I subconsciously gagged her so she couldn't stop me but honestly, I just forgot. And when she hit me, all I saw was red. I had a sub who needed punishment more than any other had ever before. I have punished like that before, James', you do it yourself."

"To fully trained subs, sure. I have given up to 30 lashes at times, but twelve to a newborn? Just wrong, Edward, and you know it."

Once he left, I wanted to do whatever I could to try and make Bella understand what had happened. I would never, ever raise a hand to her as my wife, no matter what she did, but being in my role as Dom, the rules were vastly different.

Of course she had no idea what she had done, she was often fiery when angry, I should have expected her reaction and been able to leave the room.

My head was always in another place in the playroom, by necessity I had to switch from one persona to the other depending on where I was. Once I stepped out that door, I was Edward Cullen, CEO, husband again. Inside that room I was Master Edward, used to being complete control and expected obedience without exceptions.

Clearly I could see now I should have never taken Bella into that room. She thought she knew enough, but a little knowledge is clearly a very dangerous thing, and she had no idea how to control her reactions either.

Now I had to make things right, even if it meant letting her walk away.

I send flowers to her at Emmett's, fully expecting them to end up shredded across the yard, but I had to let her know I was sorry and wanted to do something to make things okay again.

No matter how forlorn that hope was.

I was sitting in a deep black mood, idly wondering how long it would be before Bella sent Rose to pack her clothing and belongings, when the call came.

"Edward?" Bella asked hesitantly.

"Bella, are you okay, love?" I quickly asked.

"Edward, we need to talk. Can you come over?"

"Of course. Will Rose allow me to visit?" I checked.

"Just come here and get me, we can go back to our house. She is being my friend, not my mother."

"I will be there in five." I promised.

Bella and Rose were both standing out the front of her house, and I went to get out to open Bella's door for her but Rose did it for her, and she looked at me with more understanding than I expected from my best friends wife.

"Let me know what you decide, Bella. You are always welcome here, you can stay as long as you want. I mean that."

"I know you do, and thanks, Rose."

I pulled the car away from the curb.

"Bella, thank you for doing this." I started with.

"We are adults, we are married. We were both responsible for that insanity, Edward. We should have known better."

"I should have. I am the experienced one here." I answered.

"And I should never have suggested what I did without a full conversation and a plan we had both agreed on. I reacted badly, you forgot who I was, I get that now. I know your weren't hitting me, you were punishing a Sub."

"Thank you, Bella, but I should have been in control and aware of the situation. You are being too kind."

"Edward, do you want to try and salvage our marriage or was that an eyeopener for you, for what we can never be?"

"I realize that is not possible for us now. I understand, and I know if we are to have any hope, I need to find a way to accept what you offer and have it be enough. I am so sorry I am always wanting more, but it's just a habit, Bella. With some type of counselling, aversion therapy, there must be a way to let it go. They cure heroin addicts nowadays, surely they can cure me. I want us to stay together, of course I want that more than anything. Is there any hope of that?"

"If it's what we both want, then of course there is hope. We just have to find ways of coping with our different needs. I am willing to allow some compromises on my part."

She blushed furiously.

"Bella, tell me what you are talking about. Please."

I parked the car beside the river front and reached for her hand.

"I'm embarrassed." she admitted.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about with me, my obsessions outweird anything you can ever want." I assured her.

"I talked to Rose, and after what you did, not the crop stuff, I hated that. But the...backdoor sex." she dropped her voice to an almost whisper.

"You are willing to explore that further?" I asked quietly.

"And the sex during my periods, Rose said it helps with cramps and reduces the bleeding, that can only be a good thing."

I sat back and closed my eyes.

"I don't deserve you." I stated.

"Will that help, Edward? I can never want you to hurt me, I just don't get any enjoyment from pain, but there must be a middle ground we can find where you get enough of what you need and I find enough things I am willing to try. We should have built up much more slowly. We will have to do things slowly, after the..."

Bella Swan Cullen

I stopped, this was not the way I wanted to tell him. I had no idea how he was going to react to the news and I didn't even know what I wanted myself yet.

"Let's take a walk." he suggested and he was at my side, opening my door in a flash.

He helped me alight from the car and we walked along the boadwalk hand in hand.

It felt good, being back together even after a short separation. We could work this out. We had to if I went ahead with the pregnancy.

Edward led me to a coffee shop and I sat at an outdoor table.

"Coffee?' he asked and my stomach flipped at the idea.

"Tea, please." I said, breathing shallowly. Not now, please.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, alarmed.

"I'm...pregnant." I stated.

He gasped and fell into the seat beside me.

"You're pregnant?" he repeated. He looked as stunned as I had been when Emmett asked me if it were possible.

"I had a test at Rose's. It's early, we don't have to go ahead with it if you don't want to."

"Bella, we are having a baby?" he said, his voice full of wonder and even happiness.

He clasped my hands and lifted one to his mouth and kissed my fingers, where my wedding and engagement ring sat.

"You want it? You want us to keep it?" I checked.

"Don't you?" he asked worriedly.

"I just don't know. We are not ready, we rushed into marriage and we have not been doing so well, I just wonder at the enormity of adding a child to the mix when we have so much we need to sort out together first." I explained.

"You don't think this baby is a sign that we should be together and we will work things out,love?" he asked me.

"Maybe, if it's what we both want. Are you sure? Don't pretend, I need to hear the truth now. I need to know any doubts and regrets right here, today."

"I only regret I am not a normal husband who truly appreciates what he is lucky enough to have. I love you so much, Bella, that will never change. A baby is the icing on the cake. I want you and I want our child. What do you want?"

"I want you and I want a child one day, I just don't know that this is the best time. Edward, we have so much to resolve."

"I will start attending counselling, I will change myself for you. I will do whatever it takes. Please let us have our baby, love. I think it will be just what we need."

"A baby can't hold us together or fill in the cracks, Edward. We have to do that. We have to put this child first and sort out or issues in a realistic way. Don't promise to change until you know you can."

"I know I want to. I know I am going to do my best and try my hardest. I promise you that."

Edward Cullen

I meant every word. I desperately wanted that baby, who knows, it may be the only one we ever have together. I know the realty is, Bella and I may always be on rocky ground, there are no guarantees I will be able to change. She may give up on me in the future but if we have this baby, we will always be a family. I need Bella in my life in whatever way possible.

Suddenly having the playroom seems petty and ridiculous and I went to order our drinks, pulling out my cellphone and calling Demetri.

"I want the playroom taken apart and removed, completely. Now, before we get home. Do whatever you want with the stuff, toss it, sell it, keep it yourself, donate it to Doms and Subs Anonymous, just have that room empty, and every item removed from my property. Get as many men in to help as you need, pay them double and warn them to forget what they see in that room. I will be home in two hours, have it done by then. I won't be changing my mind, I want it all gone. Don't forget the pallet."

Demetri sounded shocked, he had known of my habits from the start and had no problem with them, but I had to do this.

To give up candy first you take away the candy shop.

To abstain from alcohol, you remove all the supplies.

This was my first step to normalcy. I should have done this before I even brought my bride home.

I carried my coffee with a lid firmly attached to minimize any odour from escaping and affecting Bella, and handed her the green tea, which she sipped carefully. I handed her two giant chocolate chip cookies and she ate them gratefully, and the paleness and strain left her face.

Her color returned and she relaxed at last.

I hoped against hope she would trust me and keep the baby. I didn't know how to cope if she didn't. I had always vaguely wanted children one day in the future, I had never given it a lot of thought, but now it was a possibility, it would crush me if it was taken away again.

The thought of Bella and I as parents...

I could be a proper father and I would be a decent husband.

Now I had even more at stake, I pulled my phone and called Emmett.

"Is Bella okay?" he opened with as he answered.

"Fine." I replied, holding her hand tightly in mine.

"Emm, I need to be referred to someone who can help me. I want to change, I need to give up my...hobby. I want to be normal. Can you find me someone who can do that?"

Emmett assured me change was possible if I truly wanted it for myself.

I did, but I wanted it for Bella and the maybe baby as well.

If she saw me trying, if she knew I would do anything, maybe she would keep the baby for us.

Emmett promised to look into it and have a name by tonight and to arrange an appointment for my first visit, and let me know.

I thanked him and also thanked him for letting my wife stay at his house when she found our place too uncomfortable for her.

Maybe I should sell up and start again? We could choose a house together, it may be easier not having a room to remind me of what it had witnessed in the past.

Lay some ghosts.

"Bella, what would you think of looking for a new house for us and then selling the current one?" I asked her.

"Could we maybe have something smaller?" she asked nervously. I knew she hated pretension and the house was way too large and flashy for her to ever feel like it was her home.

"Whatever you prefer. You can choose. Let's go find an agent and get things started."

I drove into the city proper and stopped outside the agent who had sold me the house originally. He remembered me, and immediately started showing Bella houses he had listed on his books, offering virtual tours on his computer so we could narrow down a list of what we would walk through when we found what we liked.

"These are all too big. We want a nice family home." she said as he showed her similar sized properties to my own.

"Money is no object." I said, so he knew I was downsizing but not in price.

"I am sure I can find you what you want. A house, or do you think maybe an apartment?"

"A house." I answered. That was my only restriction I would place on the purchase.

He checked frantically through his listings, showing us an occasional palatial smaller mansion but Bella shook her head.

"Maybe we should buy land and build." she suggested, sending him into a panic. The commission would be considerably less if we went that route.

"What style would you build?" he asked her, searching for clues .

"Ideally a cottage in a large private garden, not too far out for Edward to be able to drive to work from each day."

I had the apartment in the very center of the city but she wanted a fulltime husband who came home every night.

"There is one possibility." he said, frowning as he flicked through his files.

He pulled up a listing on the screen and Bella looked radiant as she took it in. It was a replica of a large English cottage, built by a rather eccentric author from the Uk who had married an American socialite then tried to duplicate his family house over here.

The cottage was a lot larger than any English version but it retained the looks and character, with a thatched roof, possibly the only one in New York.

I knew Bella was in love already and he was excited, clearly the usual New York homebuyers had not been interested in such an unusual offering.

Bella was beyond excited and she scrolled through room after room.

"Can we go see it?" I asked.

"Sure, just let me make a call." he said, leaving the room.

"You like it that much?" I asked.

Bella looked positively radiant and she smiled and held my hand.

"It's a dream come true. Bigger than I wanted but it's so beautiful. Do you like it, Edward?"

"I love it if you love it, sweetheart. I live to see you smile like this. You want it, it is yours."

"The owner has moved out so it is available to view now and vacant possession means you could do a deal and move in immediately if that's what you prefer." the agent informed us.

We followed him in our car and he pulled up at a large pair of white metal ornate gates and let us all in. The driveway was a long way from the road, and wound through gardens full of flowering pink and mauve blossom trees. I think Bella would have wanted any house these grounds held.

The building was enormous and pretty and painted white outside. Bella darted from room to room in an excited way, quite unlike the way she had been on her first visit to my existing house and I could see this house had very little in common with my residence.

The dormer windows upstairs had her squealing in delight, and the openess and light made the place look really inviting.

"There are six bedrooms, plus two in the guesthouse out the back. All have attached bathrooms, there is also a powder room downstairs."

Bella was speechless much of the time and a few tears escaped when she got into the deceptively furnished kitchen. All the olde world charm gave it an appearance of simplicity but behind the ornately carved white wooden doors lay the dishwashers, microwaves, all modern conveniences invented long after houses of this style.

I knew we would be buying the house just by the look of raw longing on my wife's face.

A woman appeared, an offsider of the agents and she took Bella away to show her various hidden delights in the attic bedrooms, and he and I talked turkey. We came to a satisfactory price we all liked and he called the owner and we got her agreement we could move in tomorrow if that's what we wanted. The house came fully furnished and as it was all fitting to the theme, I didn't think Bella would change much.

The swimmingpool was indoors, and the poolroom was mainly glass, and caught the heat from the sun. Swimming year round was definitely possible.

The garages housed a dozen cars so I could gather my collection all in the one place for once and even expand. I owned seven cars at the moment but Bella needed a car of her own, and we also needed something more family friendly soon, I hoped.

Her excitement was extending to envelop me as well, and I wandered through the expansive grounds with her clutching my hand, exclaiming at the bright purple flowers that dripped from vine covered walkways. It was a beautiful property and my Bella deserved to live in a setting as beautiful as she was herself.

"Happy early birthday." I said, handing her the keys.

She signed where indicated and failed to notice it was in her name alone. I wanted her to always have this house, no matter what happened in the future. I had plenty of properties of my own and didn't need any share in this one.

I had him list my current house for sale, it had lost all appeal to me now, and he excitedly promised to be out to take photos the next day.

It was safe to return now, we had spent three hours with the agents so I took Bella to lunch before returning home.

Demetri had done as I asked and there was now nothing but space in the playroom.

A home gym might be a good selling point. I had the gym equipment in the back of the garages, I told Demetri to have everything put in this room instead. He nodded and left.

Bella's mood remained elevated and we ate dinner together then she settled into my arms in the sitting room and we watched a corny old movie and she snuggled in close and we felt like us again.

We could save ourselves, we could change and adapt and become the family we both craved and the baby needed.

That night we slept in our own bed and I made sweet and gentle love to her, so different from our last encounter, but now it seemed even more special and right to me at last. I didn't even have thoughts of doing more than we did this time. I did look forward to the concessions Bella had offered, in time, but for now we had a baby to protect and vanilla sex was a necessity for the next few months.

My attitude was changed, I would never have even entered that room with her had I known she was pregnant and no doubt, had she suspected, she would not have made the offer she had made.

Bella said nothing when her bag from Emmett's appeared in our bedroom the next day and Demetri arranged the packing and moving of our clothes and personal items and a few items of furniture Bella wanted to keep and incorporate into the cottage.

The move was completed within the week and we excitedly christened the new bedroom we shared upstairs, with views of our very own wildflower filled meadow behind the house.

It felt like home from the start and Bella was so happy now, I wished I had owned this place from the beginning of us.

My counselling sessions were commencing this week as well. Out with the old, in with the new.

I could do this, I would prove to Bella I was worthy of her love and deserved the chance to be a father to my child.


	6. Chapter 6

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 6

Happiness Is But An Illusion

Bella Swan Cullen

Being pregnant was amazing and helped our marriage no end because now Edward wanted to be gentle with me. He was very aware of the baby inside me and he promised to change his long term habits and learn a new form of sex for us, to make sure it would be gentle for me and keep the baby safe.

I was hyperaware of him, looking for signs he was not as content as he seemed but I never caught him out. James still visited but they now talked in the sitting room and Edward's side of the conversation was always about how happy he was now and James seemed pleased he was progressing with his therapy. It made me see James differently, he was a true friend if he really wanted Edward to succeed at this, and not long for the games James still played.

Rose was , in her own words, 'cautiously optimistic' and really offered us both a lot of support.

Emmett was his usual loud, extroverted self and thought the whole thing a done deal, Edward had changed, end of story.

I kept thinking about the fact Edward had lived that lifestyle for so long, could he really just accept the new rules and move on past his old habits?

I was always loving and accommodating and he growled at me sometimes if he detected I was still queasy yet agreeing to sex, and he asked that I be honest with him and say when I didn't feel like a session.

I had to remove blowjobs off my list of activities, my gag reflex was in full force these days.

But making love was fine, and Edward was extremely attentive to my needs before his own.

Sometimes I suggested he just indulge himself and have 'a quickie' and not worry about my satisfaction and he was clearly torn about those.

He liked quick sex as well as the usual long sessions but he seemed to want to deny himself any form of what he called 'selfish sex' so I just let him choose and went along for the ride.

The scar on his cheek was a constant reminder of a night we both wanted to forget and I would see him absently touching the scar when he read or got lost in music and I felt bad about marking him.

I suggested plastic surgery, it would be quite a minor procedure but he refused and said he needed the reminder.

So, we could anticipate eight months of bliss.

We got on so well I had no doubts at all that having this baby was the right thing to do, and Edward was always excited at the prospect of being at the birth and handing our child to me after delivery.

Rose and I waddled around the shops together and bought little items of baby clothes and she bought pink and I bought blue. I could imagine Rose with a frilled up fashion princess in tow, but I saw us with a boy. I hoped he would look like Edward.

Edward said he had no preference for either gender over the other and was just happy to be making progress and looking forward to having a proper family.

Carlisle and Esme were thrilled at our news and easily convinced our former blip had been nothing major. Alice went completely mad and started designing little baby outfits and having samples sewn for Rose and I.

Edward caught me looking through my stash of boys clothes and pulled me to his body, his arms around my bulging waistline. His hands were always on the part of my belly where the baby kicked the most and he was usually rewarded.

"Bella, you won't be disappointed if we have a girl, will you?" he asked me, frowning at my obsession with all things pale blue.

"Of course not, if we get the girl and Rose the boy, we are swapping stash's", I explained.

We were all going to our scans together, fathers and mothers.

Rose went first and the three of us crowded around, Emmett getting the best seat of course.

"Okay, let's see. Head, torso, heartbeat" we all sighed at the little flickering black spot.

"And yes, another head."

"What the fuck!" shouted Emmett.

"Sorry Dr McCarty, I should say Twin 1 and Twin 2. I didn't mean to make it sound like there was a monster inside your wife."

"Twins" gasped Emmett, dazed.

Rose and I grinned at each other, she had already expressed the hope she would have twins and 'get the whole pregnancy thing' over in one go. Unlike me, she hated every minute of being fat and lazy. I loved it. It could have taken twice as long as far as I was concerned.

"Two sacs, two placenta's so most likely nonidentical." the doctor droned on.

"Do we get to know if they are both boys?" asked Emmett, now excited at the idea.

"Do you wish to know, Mrs McCarty?" the doctor asked.

"Sure, lay it on me. A girl and a boy would be perfect though." she said with a glare at Emmett.

"Okay, so long as there is a boy in there somewhere." he said.

"Well, rest assured, twin One is definitely a boy, see for yourself."

Emmett air punched and grinned as he looked at the image.

"Holy Moley, he is my son all right, look at he size of those nuts!"

"Emmett, behave yourself." Rose warned. "now show me my daughter."

"Twin number two is...a girl!"

The cheer went up from all of us, and my stomach dropped for no reason.

Was I jealous? I truly couldn't handle two babies at once, I didn't even know if I even wanted a second baby down the track yet.

Maybe it just would seem a letdown when he said we just had the one?

My turn and Edward gripped my hand like a lifeline.

The doctor took his time and I felt slightly nauseous as he checked and rechecked everything.

"Is there a problem?" I finally asked.

"Hmm, probably not. Do you want to know the sex?" he asked.

"What do you mean, probably not?" asked Edward.

"Baby is very small for dates. Maybe you miscalculated when your last period was?"

I guess it was possible.

"I was on the Pill and not planning to conceive at all." I explained.

He did all the usual measurements and told us to come back in six weeks and he would see how much the baby grew in that time.

"Well, what are you having ?" asked Rose when we walked out.

"We decided to wait and ask next time." said Edward,suddenly realizing as I did that the whole question had faded into insignificance.

Luckily Rose and Emmett were full of mock fights about their babies names and we managed to just hold on to each other until we got home again.

Edward led me to the bedroom and we lay together and faced our fears.

"Did you think he thought there was a problem?" I asked my husband.

"I guess he thinks there is a possibility. We will find out next scan."

Edward put his arm around me and kissed my cheek.

"We will be okay,Bella. Maybe you were right, maybe this is not the right time for us, but we don't know anything yet for sure, so let's just hope it's a small girl or you weren't pregnant yet when you thought you were."

That seemed unlikely, Emmett had plenty of experience and he was the one who diagnosed the pregnancy. The test had definitely been positive. I wished now I had asked for a scan sooner, maybe then we wouldn't be worrying like this.

Rose stayed elated and asked if she could maybe pick through my stash and call dibs on a couple of her favorite boy outfits, and I handed her the entire stash.

"No, Bella, you may need them. Or do you know it's a girl?" she asked me.

"I know I would rather wait and buy everything again later. Please take them all."

I found it impossible to keep thinking positive now. If we lost this baby...

It was the baby that had saved us. I felt incredibly guilty for ever thinking of not proceeding with the pregnancy. It had never been about not wanting the baby, just about fear we would not be able to be what the baby needed us to be. Maybe it already knew how lacking we were. Maybe it was choosing to go be someone else's miracle.

Edward was quieter and more introspective as we lay in bed at night. He made no move to initiate sex, but then, I didn't want to do anything now anyway.

Once we know the baby is fine, we will get back on track, I promised myself.

The weeks dragged by and we mentioned the baby less and less some days and others we were hopeful all would be well . On those days and nights our sexlife was correspondingly fine, we kept the connection going between us, and I missed it when we had days full of fear and doubt and just lay in each other's embrace through the night.

Edward was a changed man, and he was determined to be there for me, and I certainly felt loved and cherished. Maybe we needed this crisis to really pull us together and show us we could be what the other needed.

I wanted the baby to be alright though and some nights it was all too much and Edward always held me while I cried out my fears. Mostly he was strong for me and promised we would get through this, whatever happened, but some nights he cried as hard as I did.

I had been avoiding Rose, her constant high spirits about getting two for the price of one, and hitting the jackpot with a pigeon pair was more than I could cope with. Edward avoided Emmett for the same reason and James slipped back into our lives.

I knew why, he was hardly the type of man to discuss babies, he still spent his life trying to avoid making any. Edward needed to talk to someone about his fears and he added an extra session with his therapist into our schedule.

I missed him the nights he went there but when he got home he always came straight to bed and held me tight in his arms. He had become very protective of me.

A nationwide magazine that was doing an article on the rich and famous had booked an interview with Edward months earlier, so they came and took the photos to accompany his interview and it went well. I knew I looked good, I was still carrying a small bundle and Edward had asked Alice to make me a long elegant dress, not quite evening wear, more casual and pretty.

It arrived by Alicemail the day before the photo shoot and I modelled it for her. She tugged my hair up into a messy high mass of curls and tweaked a couple back to frame my face. When she was satisfied, she promised to be back the next day to recreate the look again so I found myself being teased and back combed and having small pink flowers threaded through my updo. She did my makeup and dramatically lined my eyes. Weirdly, I loved the look. The dress was slinky and slim fitting and emphasized the baby bump and Edward and I posed together on the bottom step outside our front door at the cottage, then in various places they chose in the garden, and more in the house.

"Maybe we could get one of the two of you in the nursery?" the woman in charge suggested.

"I would rather not, too personal." Edward answered. His answer was accepted without further discussion.

The truth was, the room next to our bedroom was still empty.

Until we got the green light about the baby, we didn't want to start collecting cribs and clothes.

I wasn't required to say much apart from the usual blather about how happy we were and how we loved the cottage and the gardens.

The interview with Edward was already done and was mainly about his starting from nothing and building up his empire. Ironically the article was titled "One Man Can Have It All."

As it was the day before the scan, he stayed home from work the entire day and took me out after everyone left.

We walked along the riverside, and drank tea in boardwalk cafe's and tried to be happy and upbeat for each other.

"Bella, love, we don't even know there is a problem, let's enjoy this day." he said, so I followed his lead. For all we knew it could be the Last Happy Day.

That night Edward kissed me gently and asked me if I felt like making love. I was feeling pretty desperate and wanted the next day over, and I needed the comfort so I agreed and we reconnected again and it felt better, like we were in this together no matter what.

I wanted our marriage to work and I wanted our baby to survive.

The obstetrician himself did the scan and he looked kind of dour and concerned.

"Is everything okay?" Edward asked. holding my hand tightly.

"Small but perfectly formed as the saying goes. I dare say she has too many of her mother's genes."

The relief was intense and we almost skipped home.

Suddenly the world was a bright and sunny place again. Edward held me tightly that night and we laughed at our fears. I think we had both walked in fearing the worst so knowing our baby was simply smaller than average was such a huge relief.

"Bella, when he said 'she' he definitely meant it's a girl, right? I forgot to ask him to qualify. Some doctor's call the baby 'he' to differentiate from 'she', the mother. Did you get the impression he was sure it was a girl?"

I grabbed my purse and handed him the handful of scan photos.

Baby Girl Cullen was printed on every print.

"You have to choose her name." I told him. I had already named the baby if it was a boy so it seemed only fair that Edward chose the name for a girl.

"What's Rose reserved already?" he checked.

"Natalie Charlotte Rose." I reminded him.

"Hmm, well that wouldn't be on my list anyway. Do you like Samantha? It means 'asked of God' and we certainly asked God to save her for us."

I loved that he had been researching names and wanted to give her a name with meaning, so I readily agreed. Samantha was perfect.

"Or Jewel, the precious one. I like that as well. Or even Jemma, seeing she will be our little cherished gem."

"So, how do we choose?" I asked him.

"Keep all three in mind and see which one suits her."

Edward kissed my belly and the baby kicked against him, making us laugh. It felt good to be allowed to be hopeful and happy again.

Edward's hands caressed every inch of my skin and as gentle as he was, it really had the instant consequence of wanting him inside me again, now.

I wasn't sure ever, how much to push him, I guess I still lived in constant fear that whatever I offered was never going to be enough, but we were happy again and so I forced the thoughts from my mind and allowed myself to initiate sex, trusting Edward would accept my approach in the spirit it was given. I loved him so much and he was truly everything I could ever want. I knew the imbalance was there the first time we met, he was so out of my league I know I should have listened to my head and not my heart, but the heart knows what it wants and I had deluded myself I could be all things to him as he was to me.

I felt even now we were living on borrowed time, we were in our own little bubble at the moment. The pregnancy created a new reality, but it wouldn't last forever, one day the reason he could accept being gentle and patient and 'vanilla' as he labelled it so hurtfully, would be in a crib in the next bedroom and it would be back to us, Edward who needed more, Bella who was inadequate to his needs.

Edward responded to my offer and started stroking my folds with his long and talented fingers. Even though I had been with other men, none had ever touched my heart like he did and it was so unfair my soulmate found me wanting. I wished with all my heart I coud be what he needed and I decided as he kissed my neck and slid inside me, that once this child was born, I would find a way to become what he needed, no matter what the cost to myself. One of us had to give, and it wouldn't be him. If I insisted on keeping our lovelife restricted to within my own preferred boundaries, I would lose him, it was as simple as that.

I felt the tears on my cheeks and hoped he would assume I was simply caught up in the moment and was just feeling emotional with relief and joy.

My heart felt heavy and I started to think of how to proceed.

The obvious answer seemed to be, I needed to talk to James and ask him how a person went about becoming trained as a Sub.

xXx XxX xXx XxX

Edward Cullen

The relief that our daughter was okay was intense and I needed to celebrate and appreciate this moment with the only other person on the planet who had suffered as I had over the last six weeks. Bella and I had kept our fears to ourselves, neither wanting to publicly voice that she may be in trouble. This baby is so very precious, I can't shake the feeling I have had since her conception that she is the only child I will ever father. I don't know why I even feel this way, maybe because my life has never been family orientated.

I have always lived for myself and the massive concessions marriage demanded had not come easily or naturally to me, as I had honestly expected.

I truly thought as I loved Bella beyond all reason, and I would never feel whole again without her, that we could do this, and it would be enough. But my mind constantly tried to prepare me for the inevitable day that would come when she would go.

I guess that was what was behind my having her name alone on the papers of ownership for this cottage. I needed to provide for her and didn't want the one thing I knew she appreciated my money was able to buy, to ever be taken away from her.

I had contacted Jenks, the family lawyer, and made sure the cottage would always be Bella's and already had my asset's clearly listed and halved, for the day when we ceased to be.

There was a deep sadness in my soul that I was such an inadequate human that I could not accept that I had it all, like the magazine article stated, and be satisfied with that.

Cold turkey was never going to work, the medication I was on was keeping the monster inside sedated but just as surely as the sun rose each morning, I knew he would be back.

I loved my life at the moment, having my tiny daughter inside my Bella was amazing and the fears were still there though I was sure I was hiding them well. What if? What if she wasn't merely small like her mother? What if she was never meant to be and was taken from us?

I would be devastated, and never recover, and probably would not even try to be 'normal' any more.

I thought long and hard about it, if we lost the baby it was probably kinder to let Bella go. She would see it as rejection for failing to keep my child safe but that was never part of it. I was wrong for a beautiful soul like hers.

I had nothing inside me, my soul had fled years ago, I was merely a selfish and demanding man who had allowed a lifestyle dictate his satisfaction.

What I had done was unspeakably wrong, I had allowed Bella to only meet the facade I presented to the world, not the true black soulless monster that was the larger part of me.

We had made love tonight, at Bella's request and I had seen the tears and knew the reason.

I made her feel like she lacked something, when it was in realty, my problem.

She thought she married the happy, upbeat, caring man she had met in Forks, she had no idea there were two of me and I had been to cowardly to show her the reality.

I had come so very close to walking away. The day I asked her to marry me, I had actually booked a flight back here, and had almost made up my mind to marry Tanya. I would have done it quickly and with full knowledge I would have hurt Bella badly, but it was a hurt we both could have lived with and survived. She had no idea how deeply my feelings for her ran until that day.

She thought what I sought from her was sex, but had she only known, the sex we were having was small time compared to what I was used to, she would have realized it played no part in my decision. My weakening, my allowing my heart to rule my head.

I breathed in the nicotine deeply and exhaled into the clean, crisp air as I wandered around the grounds of the cottage. Bella was sleeping the sleep of the satisfied. She had cried out soon after drifting off, begging me to not go, not leave her.

Really, what choice do I have?

I either force her down to my level or I go someday soon and allow her to remain the innocent and decent woman she is. The baby she thinks will pull us together will push us apart.

How can I be around another innocent and beautiful soul and tarnish her as well?

She will suffer because of the monster, she will know the chasm that lies between her mother and I is not crossable.

She will know I am inadequate and can't be what her mother needs.

I am something Other, and one day our daughter will know that. I will let her down as surely as I have her mother.

I paced across the patio and hated the things I had allowed to happen.

Sure, we never expected to begin a baby and bring another innocent in to sacrifice, and the thought of losing her had been excruciatingly but I admit, sometimes I had thought it may be better for her never to be born.

Children need their parents to be strong and bonded and welcome them as an addition to a relationship that can weather whatever happens, not turn up and inadvertibly add more stress to the cracked facade of a marriage like ours.

She will need Bella more than I do, much as that crushes me, and the least I can do is hand her mother to her, as a way of apology for being such a failure as a parent and a human being.

I will try my very best to be what she needs me to be, I am not using her as an excuse to escape and shake off my responsibilities, I will always be there for whatever the two need me for, just not as what they need the most.

I know throwing money at them is a cowardly act but one I will do, to salve my own guilty conscious.

Bella knows the truth, money is nothing and has no meaning, she cares little for it, and I know if she had the choice to have me normal and live in a hovel somewhere, she would be packing now. It hurts that she loves me so much, I wish she hated me like I deserve, but I can't even consider pulling some ridiculously childish act, like cheating on her, to allow her to push me away. I just have to distance myself gradually, and let her go a piece at a time, so we both survive this.

One thing James said rings in my ears, you can't take a lamb and put her in a cage with a lion and expect her to turn into a lion. She will always be a lamb and always be living in peril that one day the lion will only see her as a source of nourishment and eat her alive.

We already proved this lion cares more for himself than for his sweet and gentle lamb, to raise the crop and thrash her shocked me into seeing my true and undeniable nature.

If she stays in my cage, one day I will kill her.

I tossed the cigarette butt away and walked further, looking at the view of the stars that shone down on me. One star shone brighter than the others. It will always be that way, even when we are done and I return to the lifestyle that rules me and dominates my life, I will always know I turned away from the brightest star in the universe and turned to a blackhole instead.

She will always be Sirius, I will always be a white dwarf, together we could have been a supernova.


	7. Chapter 7

**Havagoodweegend! Husband will be back to work and kids holidays over on Monday,we shall miss them, no? Thank the gods they never read what I am writing. Review pretty please. Lynz**

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 7

A Miracle Begins

Edward Cullen, father.

Spring proved to be a season we would all remember. Rose went into premature labor and was put into hospital, but we all knew that was highly possible. The contractions were easily controlled so no danger yet. Emmett spent most of his life at her beside though he still did some consults for patients he couldn't just abandon and refer to another doctor.

Bella cooked for him and I dropped his meals in, and soon she cooked for them both when Rose complained his meals were better than hers.

Bella blossomed the further her pregnancy progressed. Her color was so flattering, it suited her, and her eyes were always full of hope. She had some solution in mind, that much was clear.

I couldn't imagine what it was, unless she was going to insist I took on a Sub and kept her completely apart from our life together.

I admit, I had considered the possibility it may be the only solution.

I had no fears I would ever bond with a Sub, they were more of a toy and less of a person, I had never tried to incorporate any of them into my life, never dated them or took them to functions, never shared a meal with them, they had their place and boundaries and we stuck to them.

I had always had Tanya for my public partner though in reality, we had never slept together, not even once. She had stayed over, slept in the Subs room, she thought that was amusing, or she slept in my bed if she felt like company and wanted to talk about Garrett, or she had her own bedroom though she rarely used it.

I was at the house, sorting what to keep, what to sell, what to include in the housesale itself, when she came to find me.

"So, married, and not to me, thanks for the heads up."

"Sorry, Tan, it sort of happened in a rush. I should have gotten in touch but you have no idea how full on a real relationship is."

I cringed as I realized how cruel that was. She had real feelings for Garrett, it was not her fault he was taken.

"Why did you ever get involved with a married man, especially one with such a high profile?" I asked.

"I had no choice, I met him when I was working with his PR and he swept me off my feet. I mean, you know I have had my share and a few others share of handsome men, it's not like I didn't have many dishes on the menu to choose from. Sometimes things happen, out of your control. He touched my hand, completely accidentally, and it was like we had touched an electric wire, the current flowed between us, Edward. I suppose this sounds like crap and excuses to you, but it's true."

"I completely understand, it is the same with Bella. I have had women, as you know, I have had Subs, don't pretend to be ignorant of that fact, and it would have made sense to keep looking until I found a Sub I was attracted to. The whole mock wedding idea with you was insanity."

"I agree. Apart from anything else, it would have meant when we did meet someone we felt able to settle for, we wouldn't be available anyway."

"Then I met Bella and all sensible thought deserted my brain, all I could think about was making her mine. At any cost. I didn't even realize the cost would be at her expense, not mine. I deluded myself into thinking I could change and be a normal husband, and I have failed at that big time."

"What have you done, Edward? Screwed around on her already?"

"No, nothing like that. Nothing that normal and expected. I took her in my playroom and fucked her like an object and then beat the hell out of her. It's what I do."

"Poor Edward. So, what's happening? Are you selling this for the settlement?"

"We aren't getting divorced, yet. It's inevitable I know, but we will hang in and fight until the bitter end. I love her, Tanya. And the tragedy is, she loves me back."

"Edward, I do understand. Garrett and I are in love but in impossible circumstances. If he leaves her, his career is pretty much over, the public is sick of prominent men dumping the wife that stood by them and supported them on their rise to the top. Especially when their replacement is younger and more attractive and clearly not stepmother material. I could never even fake liking his children for the camera. All they are to me are more reasons we can't be together."

"Bella's pregnant."

"So I heard, I have to say I was shocked."

"I was shocked but I was also delighted. I allowed the dream to take over. Me, Edward Cullen, with a wife and daughter. Sounds like Heaven."

"Feels like Hell?"

"Not yet, but slowly it will eat away at me and become the obstacles between me and the real me. I will resent them and they will be fully justified in hating me."

"What were you thinking?"

"That love could cure all ills. That a good woman could mold a imperfect, selfish man into a worthy one."

"You have to do that yourself, Edward. You expect her to save you? In this life, we have to save ourselves, don't you know that by now?"

"I wish I could, Tanya."

"Tell me this, honestly, if you could turn back the clock, would you choose to not go home to Forks for that little holiday?"

"For her sake, yes, I would. But only for her sake. I had a taste of normalcy, it was so fucking wonderful, you don't know, Tanya. It was Heaven. It was only when I took her into my own personal Hell that I saw things for what they were. Before that, I thought there could be a way to twist and mold and fit us together. Then I realized, I had to destroy what I love about her to do that. I don't really want her as my Sub. I imagined that was the answer, but I disgusted myself in treating her like I did that night. She ceased to be Bella, and there is no greater tragedy than that possible. I would never want her being submissive to me, it's her spirit and strength I love.

I guess it's taken me a long time to realize that. Subs are objects, not people, to their Dom. Bella is the most real person I know."

"So, no training her to fit in with you, then?"

"No, it was never going to happen anyway, Thank God. She has more self respect. Tanya, I presume seeing Magda keeps popping out kids, that Garrett sleeps with her, too?"

"Of course. You can't be the perfect husband and family man without giving the wife one now and again."

"How do you cope with that?"

"Why? You thinking of getting the wife a toyboy?"

"No, I am thinking next time she offers to allow me to take on a Sub, I may say yes. It is the obvious solution, I just wasn't ready to accept when she offered. Now I see it would have no negative impact on my love for her, I will love her forever anyway, but getting my basic needs taken care of with some faceless Sub, that could be the answer. It felt like betrayal before, now I wonder if denying the only thing that could keep us together isn't a bigger crime."

"A man has to do what a man has to do."

"Do you lie in your bed and imagine them together? Would she hate me anyway for breaking our marriage vows?"

"Depends. I love Garrett and want him anyway I can have him. If the choice was, me or her, naturally I would want him to choose me, but it isn't that simple. It's us, part time, or not at all. I could never prefer not at all to whatever scraps he offers. I don't care at all what anyone else thinks, either. Judge me all you want, I choose to be happy part time rather than an empty shell full time."

"Do you ever wonder if you broke things off, if there could be someone else who could be what you would prefer, though? Could it be possible you could love another man like you love Garrett?"

"Could you imagine there will ever be another woman you could love like you do Bella?"

"Fair point. She doesn't exist."

I offered Tanya a cigarette and we smoked together in silence, each contemplating our own Fates. We got on well, most of the time and I had missed her company, to be honest. I had rarely had female friends in my life. Tanya had always accepted me flaws and all. We would never in any universe be each others soul mates but we understood each other pretty well.

I liked the fact I could tell her anything and not get lectured on my lack of morals or how destructive my choices were.

"So, perfect solution?"

"For me? For the Fairy of All Men Flawed and Fractured to wave her wand over me and make me into a better man. For you?"

"For Garrett to have been single or at least widowed when we met. If he had those kids already, I guess Nannies and boarding school would have fixed that problem, but the whole wife in tow is kind of insurmountable in his position."

My cellphone buzzed.

"Edward Cullen. Fuck, I will be right there, thanks Emmett."

"What's happened?"

"Bella is in hospital. Alice was with her this morning so I could come out and something's happened, she called Emmett and he got an ambulance."

I grabbed my keys and tossed the housekeys to Tanya.

"Lock up for me."

"Good luck."she called as I dashed to my car.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella Swan Cullen, mother.

"We could go with pink, cliqued I know, but why not? Little girls love pink and if we accessorized with florals, and pink and white stripes, and all white furniture. Maybe a ballet theme? Bella, are you even listening?" Alice admonished.

"Alice, would it be common to wet yourself when you are this pregnant?" I asked, looking down at the large patch of wetness spreading on my jeans.

"I'm calling Emmett." she stated and dialled him on the house phone.

"By all means, please ensure everyone gets to know of my humiliation."

"Emm, Bella is somewhat wet, could her bladder have given up the fight or is this something we need worry about? Okay, I will ask her."

"He's coming over. Do you have any pain? Any blood?"

I hauled myself up and stripped my sodden maternity jeans off.

We both gasped at the red that streaked across my thighs and underwear.

"Don't panic, Bella. Emmett, she is bleeding. No, not pouring, just already all over her underwear."

"No, not as much as a period. Fine. See you. Hurry please."

The ambulance arrived at the same time as Emmett and he rushed in and supervised as I was strapped in and taken out to the vehicle.

"Eight months pregnant, baby is growth retarded." he said, and suddenly that sounded really serious.

"I need Edward." I told him as the doors closed on us, leaving a panicking Alice to follow in Emmett's car.

Emmett held my hand all the way and promised to call Edward as soon as he got reception again.

I was soon being hurtled down the corridor and specialists came to poke and prod and nurses hooked me up to machines and a drip or two.

All I could think was, if I lost her, Edward would not even see her alive unless he got here now.

"Prep her for surgery. Mrs Cullen, we need to do an emergency c section. Do you want to be awake for it?"

"Yes." I pleaded. Who knows, I may only have one chance to see her and hold her.

Edward rushed in as soon as he was allowed, and I lay tethered on the table, the epidural having numbed all pain. Edward gripped my hand for dear life and tried to look calm but his grip betrayed the fear. Normally I would scream at the intensity he held it, but pain seemed good at the moment, something to concentrate on and allow to distract me.

It was quick, only minutes passed until the small, bloody baby was handed to the Pediatrician and taken to the resuscitation table.

I don't think any of us breathed again until she did, and the feeble cry both relieved and worried me.

She was alive but she wasn't crying loudly like in the movies.

The nurse appeared to be slapping her, but I knew they would only be rough for a reason and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Edward stood up, but made no move to go closer.

"Go to her." I begged.

He needed to see his child.

He looked at me, his eyes tearfilled and anguished.

"Go." I repeated.

He walked closer but stayed back, not getting in the way and we heard orders barked as the baby was intubated and put on life support.

"She is going to NICU, you can come with her." the nurse offered and Edward turned and faced me.

"Go, Edward, she needs you."

Not as much as we need her, though.

He followed but looked back one last time and I smiled to say I was fine, her need was greater.

The surgeons sewed and did whatever they needed to and finally I was wheeled into recovery.

Emmett appeared instantly and took my hand, the one without the drip.

"Is she dead?" I asked.

"No, Bella, she is holding her own. She is breathing without help now. She looks good, already."

"Don't lie to me." I warned him.

"I wouldn't. I don't want to give you the impression she is out of the woods yet but she is definitely stabilizing. I will keep you updated."

"Thanks Emmett. You saved her, didn't you? Getting us here this fast?"

"I think Alice deserves the credit, most women would discretely suggest you got to the toilet on time in future and not realized what happened. Your water broke, and washed out the mucus plug from your cervix. That was the streaky blood. The birth was inevitable."

"So, I beat Rose." I replied.

"By about an hour, she is in labor as we speak, so I have to get back to her. Use the buzzer if you need anything."

"Thank you, Emmett." I replied. I wondered if we had averted a crisis or if this was the calm before the storm?

Edward came in and sat beside me, tear tracks clearly visible. He grasped my hand and tried to speak.

"I'm so sorry."

"Is she dead?" I panicked.

"No,no, but I should have been there."

"You couldn't have done any more than Alice did. In fact, she did it immediately, if you had been home we would have discussed things first. She just jumped on the phone."

"Thank God for Alice." he replied.

He handed me a Polaroid photo and smiled as I grabbed it and my eyes hungrily took in the little face and the mass of hair on top of her head.

She had prongs into her nose and she was still bloody in places but she had her eyes open.

"Is she okay?" I asked.

"She is beautiful. She started breathing alone as soon as they went to transfer her into a bigger incubator. She is a lot better off than a lot of the babies in that room. They don't expect her to have to be in there too long, she just needs to fatten up."

"What does she weigh?"

"Three pounds nine ounces."

"That's not much, Edward. My God."

"It's more than they expected, Emm said. He was thinking maybe three pounds at the most."

"Is it enough?"

"They seem to think she will survive. We can but hope, love."

"When can I see her?" I asked.

"As soon as they give us the green light. I will go check with the nurse again."

A nurse came in and checked me and told Edward to go visit our daughter for fifteen minutes so she could wash me and such, and I was sitting impatiently in a wheelchair when he returned.

"Emmett and Rose are parents, I saw their babies being taken in to the regular nursery to be bathed. Bella, be prepared, Sami is tiny, really small. But perfect."

"Sami?" I queried.

"Samantha Isabella Alice?" he asked.

"Not the Isabella. I don't want that being perpetuated. Samantha Alice Marie, maybe." I offered, Marie being my gran who died only a few years ago.

"Okay, I like that."

We sat beside the incubator and peered at the scrap of humanity that was our daughter. Her eyes were open wide and she seemed to be able to see us already.

"Would you like to hold her?" NICU nurse asked.

"God, she is so small, is it safe?" asked Edward.

"Actually, they do better if they have contact with their parents. She is stable, she will be moved to the regular nursery tomorrow if she has no setbacks. She is a little drama queen, getting in here under false pretences, aren't you, my sweet? Nothing wrong with being dainty. All the boys will want to protect her."

The look on Edward's face was classic. I gabbed our camera out of his hands and took a shot before he rearranged his features again.

I shall write above the photo, "Edward realizes he has fathered a GIRL and she won't remain a baby forever."

I couldn't help laughing, he couldn't even speak.

The nurse opened the perspex top and slid the baby into a blanket then onto my waiting hands and I grinned as she took the camera and snapped off a series of photos. Edward was pale and shaky still, but he moved in closer and held her hand, letting her grip a single finger of his. Her fingers were tinier than I have ever imagined a baby's could be.

"Hello, Samantha. You are just beautiful. You look like your Mommy." he said.

I looked into her eyes and knew somehow she was going to make it. Her eyes were determined and flashed with strength and stamina.

"Don't be too sure, under that pink cap hides a very Daddyish head of hair." said the nurse.

Edward sat in the chair she dragged over and I handed the baby to him. He looked almost afraid of her but the moment she was in his arms, he was grinning like many a father before him as their daughters wrapped them securely around their little fingers. The irony that she was wrapping her hand around his little finger was not lost on me. No harm letting him think he controlled the relationship. He would learn the truth soon enough.

The nurse introduced herself as Jillian, and she took more photos of Sami with Edward, and the three of us, and we reluctantly handed her back when told to.

"That's long enough for today, but she will tolerate longer visits as she gains strength."

We both stared into the bubble that protected her and smiled at each other.

Edward pulled himself close to me and kissed my cheek.

"Well done, Mrs Cullen. She is a beautiful miracle. Thank you."

"You had just as much to do with her conception as I did." I pointed out.

"Yes, but you trusted us enough to let her be born. I shall never forget that."

"Edward, she is your baby, I could never turn my back on your child. Or you."

xxx

Edward Cullen.

Bella looked so filled with hope and determination I started to wonder if it could be possible.

Could we be a family and all stay together?

I wanted that, desperately.

I pushed her wheelchair to her private room but we encountered Emmett on the way.

"Have you seen your daughter?" he asked Bella, and she grinned and waved the camera at him.

"Fuck, I forgot to bring ours."

"Here, use this. Edward can print them all out tonight." she offered.

Emmett entered the nursery and spoke to the staff and wheeled two perspex cribs to the window and lifted out his son.

Bella gasped. He looked enormous after Sami.

"Eight pounds, ten ounces." Emmett mouthed.

"That's more than double." Bella whispered.

Emmett lay the baby down and picked up his daughter.

"Eight one."

Her face looked so chubby and her hands and feet enormous.

I dare say they were average sized infants but they looked huge.

Emmett snapped off a series of photos and Rose walked into the hallway as he finished, showered and up and walking already.

"Well done Rose, they are gorgeous." Bella said.

"The beasts emerge. I give you full credit for their humongous size, all that good food you cooked for me. How is your little petal?"

"Beautiful but really really small." Bella cautioned her.

I wondered in that moment if there would ever be a time in Bella's life where she felt what she offered was adequate and enough. She really was thrown by the difference in size between the twins and our own little miracle. Rose was slim but statuesque, Emmett was plain massive. Any offspring of theirs would be big by default.

Sami was alive and healthy and holding her own, I never even hoped for an outcome as good as this, she was perfect in my eyes.

Maybe Bella's genes would tone down the whole bed hair thing I may have passed down to my daughter. Her face was shaped like her mother's, and her eyes were already hazel, a mix of Bella's brown and my green. She had Bella's short fingers and toes and her limbs were in proportion to her little frame so she was very much her mother's daughter.

Rose had visited Sami and sighed at her daintiness, I wish Bella had been there to see that.

Not every baby had to be built like a Sumo to be amazing.

Breastfeeding was a challenge but as always, Bella was determined and Sami needed it, so they worked things out between themselves and I looked on with pride. Bella would always put everyone else before herself.

I drove home to shower and change and on impulse, stopped in at James' place to tell him about the baby, not that he would even want to hear. I just needed to tell people my good news.

James answered the door, and Victoria, my ex Sub, was beside him.

"Edward, hi," she said and I nodded. I rarely saw my Subs after I had finished with them, but James had been fascinated by Victoria from when she first signed up with me, and I knew he would offer her a position once she finished our contract.

I was surprised they appeared to be holding a party, James normally kept his Subs apart from his life, like I did.

"Come in, have a drink." he offered.

"No, I just wanted to tell you Bella had the baby and she is okay, they both are."

"So, the lovely Bella is no longer with child? Good." he answered cryptically.

"It was touch and go but they both made it. The baby, Samantha, is doing well." I added.

"Edward, congratulations. I had no idea you were married until today. And a father. Amazing. Who's have thought?" said Victoria.

"Thanks. I am really happy." I assured her.

"Come have a drink. We have some friends here. You are allowed to talk about your old habits, surely, even if you have abandoned ship mid party." James' pushed.

"No, thanks, but no, I need to get back to my wife and daughter. Bye."

It was easy, walking away. I knew I could stay the night and do whatever I wanted and James would never mention it again but I would know. His friends were all friends with similar interests so there was zero chance it was a simple evening of card playing and discussing the economy. It would be whips and cuffs and multiplayer scenes.

I had watched some before, usually involving James but had never joined in. Strangely, I had some standards, however low. I was always monogamous to my Subs and didn't loan them out or expect them to take on other men as well as myself.

James had a much broader lifestyle, he lent his out and swapped and borrowed and did scenes with multiple men involved or many women and just him, anything was permissible in his eyes.

"Edward, we are already outside the norm so there are no rules. Life is meant to be fun, and we aren't involved with these women socially, we can play whatever games we want. They know what I require when they sign up with me, if they didn't want that, they could walk away from the start. Do they ever? No. They like swinging in James' tree. Loosen up, man. There are no degrees of right and wrong when you live this lifestyle. You either embrace or reject it."

I still stuck to my own self imposed rules.

Bella was asleep when I got back so I lay beside her and spooned her poor, injured body with my own. Women are the stronger sex, there is no doubt in my mind. Bella is much stronger than I am in every sense.

xxx

Bella Swan Cullen

Taking home a baby smaller than my favorite childhood doll was scary but I was confident we would manage. Edward took time off work as he seemed to do whenever it suited him, I guess being the CEO has it's many perks.

I don't think I have ever seen a man so much enamoured with his child as Edward was with Sami. Every single decision we made was based on her needs, and he adored every minute in her company. We had the nursery fitted out by Esme and Alice and it was beautiful and perfect and I knew they would manage to decorate far more skilfully than I would have, so I gave them a free hand to do whatever they thought best.

Edward understood I was not up to the task myself but he didn't seem thrilled about me handing the job over so readily.

Yet he never said anything, so as always, I did whatever I guessed was best for us all.

Breastfeeding was painful and hurt like a bitch and I cringed as she latched on every time but I had to do this for her. The nurses had assured me my milk would be exactly whatever Sami needed it to be and she was gaining weight quickly so I was not game to give up and feed her a bottle instead. Edward was convinced formula was full of undesirable chemicals and I rolled my eyes and wondered how long he would expect me to breastfeed.

Sami was a delightful baby and I loved her dearly. Our two close calls made her all the more precious but I really couldn't imagine signing up again for all that worry and hurt and danger. She would be fine as an only child, I survived just fine myself and rarely felt the loss of siblings. Anyway, I liked the freedom of choosing who I spent time with, out of choice and not obligation.

Alice and Rose were like my sisters anyway. Alice fussed about and was fighting the urge to give in and get pregnant herself, she wanted to be more established in her career before she took time off to have kids, and time devoted to her designs was vital at the moment.

Rose embraced motherhood much the same as she did the rest of her life. It was not all consuming, like it was for us, she regularly left Emmett in charge and 'escaped the craziness' and visited us and drank coffee without having to worry about tainting her milk supply. She had decided at the birth they were big enough to thrive on formula and she had taken pills to supress milk production.

"Bad enough I felt like a whale carrying them, I am not transforming into a cow to feed them." she announced.

Emmett didn't seem to care at all and he was always found with a bottle of formula in his hands over the next few months.

Sami had a beautiful crib though I often wondered why we bothered seeing Edward let her sleep on his chest most of the time and he was the only father I ever saw, other than Emmett, who walked around the city with a baby pouch on, and his child snuggling up to his body. he did it entirely by choice, Emmett did it out of necessity, Rose could have never lifted those twins together, let alone carried them both.

Edward started the habit when she was new, and said the doctors promised she would thrive with skin contact, so he decided I was too 'injured' to do this, and it became his job to carry her. My job was to feed her, and to love them both. An easy task.

We could see each ounce as she gained weight but when the twins were here, she always looked like the smaller version of the dolls.

Edward got angry if I ever said anything like that, and to him, she was absolute perfection.

His life revolved around her and I, and he seemed happy, and for the first time since I came to NY, I started to hope maybe it was realistic and possible to aim for a future together after all. Edward never got over what I went through to give him his little girl, and he was openly demonstrative in his love for me. He rushed home to us both if he worked, he took as with him wherever he went if possible, and he wrote songs and played his piano for us both and always waited for our reactions to new pieces.

He wrote a piece called Sami's Lullaby, and another called Edward Loves Bella, and they were the two he played the most.

When Sami reached four months, I joined a gym, even though Edward had his own home gym here. I pleaded needing the company of other post pregnant women to battle alongside and attempt to get my figure back and strengthen my muscles again.

My real reason was, I needed to establish an alibi.

I didn't want Edward to know James was helping me out, and I had made things very clear I had no intention of having any form of sex with him or any other 'trainer' he may introduce me to, I just wanted to learn the general art of Submission. I was quite sure Edward would add the sex himself.

James felt my weakest point was accepting directions and remaining quiet so I spent many an hour sitting in the corner, eyes down, body relaxed, as he marched around, belting the living daylights out of the red haired sub he currently owned.

I couldn't help peeping now and then when they were deeply into a role, and I was amazed how much pleasure she clearly got out of it. She mocked him with just her eyes and goaded him into hitting her harder and the moans she let out were more like erotic satisfaction than anything else.

She often opened James' front door to me, coffee cup in hand, clearly she was allowed a lot more freedom than she had been when Edward was her master.

She was always willing to share stories about what he had liked and hated and how to keep him happy, which was what I was here to learn.

I can't say I ever felt even slightly comfortable in their presence, especially as they often forgot I was there and openly had all manner of sex in front of me. I tried to find it erotic and not completely embarrassing but I failed.

Sometimes when James wore a black hood that covered his entire head, I could visualise it being Edward who did these things to Victoria and it never failed to shock me what these Doms found sexually satisfying.

Rather than achieve my goal and start to feel accustomed to their games, all I felt was I could never do most of this stuff, it was far too foreign to me. I was determined to never give up, I would listen and learn and be a good Sub if it killed me. I learned to suppress shuddering and to block the word that constantly tried to echo in my brain.

"Sickoes."

I hurried home afterwards and fell into bed and lay beside Edward as he slept with our daughter on his chest and cried silently that we were so differently wired.


	8. Chapter 8

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 8

Edward's Thirtieth

Edward Cullen.

The morning of my thirtieth birthday started like every other day. Bella was asleep and I could hear Sami moving about in her crib. She slept in her own bedroom all the time now since her first birthday and her early morning smile was the best thing to start the day with.

"Hello,Blossom" I sang as I put my head into her bedroom.

"Dadda." she squealed and ran to this end of the crib with her arms outstretched towards me.

I scooped her up and rid her of the soggy overnight diaper and decided to bathe her seeing her pajamas were wet as well.

She pointed at the shower so I gave in and stripped myself as well and held her up under the warm stream of water. Her favorite game in the shower was grabbing the showerhead and making water spurt onto my face so I spluttered and tried not to drown, but it amused her so I took it like a father.

I wrapped her in a towel and dropped her onto our bed while I dressed myself and she scurried under the blankets and snuggled up to Bella.

"Morning." said my wife, putting an arm around her damp haired daughter and pulling the covers over them both so they were hidden from my view.

I fetched Sami's clothes and came back to peel the blanket back and find Sami as she sat waiting, excited at the game.

"Boo" we yelled in unison. She clapped her hands in glee and I handed the outfit to a sleepheaded Bella while I made coffee.

Both were dressed by the time I had breakfast cooked and Sami ran into the eating area, and climbed onto a chair.

Bella scooped her into her highchair instead and strapped her in as Sami flailed about, preferring to be free on an adult chair.

"Not happening, let Mommy strap you in so you can have some pancakes! You like Daddy's pancakes!" Bella sang.

I handed the plastic plate to her for Sami and she placed it on the highchair tray and our daughter started alternately eating and tossing bits of pancake on the floor.

Bella walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me from behind and stood up on her toes to reach my neck.

"Happy Birthday, Edward."

I had forgotten , it was no big deal. Not like Sami's first birthday had been.

"Thanks,Love. Pancakes?"

She nodded and took her coffee.

She seemed to have regained her strength and muscle tone but not surprisingly, she worked out every day in our gym and still keep her sessions up daily at the gym in town. She was determined to keep fit, it seemed.

Chasing around after Sami would be enough to keep anyone fit, but Bella seemed happy so I was not about to say anything. I wondered if they were pushing her too hard some days, when she came home looking pale and drawn but she never missed a session.

She and Rose spent a lot of time together but Rose had confided in me that Bella seemed to be getting more withdrawn lately.

"I think she is overdoing things at the gym. Other than that, she is fine." I had answered.

Rose and Emmett were coming for dinner and Alice and Jasper were hoping to as well, if she got back from Paris in time. Her popularity had risen quickly since she started and she was often away, promoting the company so Jasper spent a lot of time at our cottage, playing with Sami, and we often had a few beers and played our guitars together after she went to bed, if Bella was still at the gym.

I knew my parents had booked a room at one of the larger hotels and were throwing me a surprise 30th birthday party tomorrow night, seeing today was Thursday and they knew the guests would need a weekend to recover.

I wasn't that bothered, thirty was the year after twenty nine and before thirty one, I didn't see a reason to fuss myself.

Rose was taking Sami home with her tonight, which meant she and Emmett had to come in separate cars, to fit in another babyseat. I didn't see why Bella had arranged this, we were capable of having a night of sex in our bedroom without disturbing our baby girl.

I would miss our early morning routine but I didn't say anything to spoil Bella's arrangements.

Rose dropped in mid afternoon, Bella was at the gym early seeing she wouldn't be going tonight. I had packed a bag of what Sami would need overnight and Rose tossed it into her car then said she would see us tonight and went in search of Bella.

I carried Sami inside and lay on the floor and watched the football game rerun while she made me imaginary tea in the toy tea set and draped her pink feather boa around my neck and squashed a plastic tiara onto my head.

"Am I the Queen?" I asked, sitting up and rearranging my costume.

"Daddy pretty." she cooed and kissed my cheek.

"Sami's prettier." I answered and touched her ringlets. Her hair was amazing, so perfect. She had a shade somewhere between Bella's brown and my auburn and it was far prettier than either of ours, and after months of looking like a haystack when she was small, it suddenly relaxed and turned into a head full of silky curls that grew into ringlets.

She turned heads and attracted smiles wherever we took her, she was still tiny and could walk under the dining table and her small stature just made her even more appealing. Women everywhere cooed and smiled and looked at her. Bella and Alice kept her dressed like a princess at all times except when I let her choose her clothes, like this afternoon after her nap. She was wearing a Disney Princess T shirt, black and white striped leggings and a mauve tutu. Alice would freak if she saw her.

I accepted my plastic cookie and a battered toy fried egg on a plate with Cinderella on it, and drank my pretend tea.

"Delicious, oh no, it's all gone." I sighed and Sami held the teapot and walked closer to refill my cup. She was watching me carefully in anticipation and I scooped her up and held her in the air above my head and zoomed her like a plane with a drunken pilot while she squealed and screamed in delight.

Who could ever not want a child like this in their life?

She made us forget our differences and share our lives fully together. While we have Sami, we shall always be fine, I assured myself.

With therapy and my continued use of the prescription drugs, our sex life remained adequate and I refused to lessen the dose and risk the return of the monster. I was content, if not ecstatic, but vanilla was a flavor and I enjoyed it more now.

I had no regrets, I had to change for my Bella and my Sami, and they made up for the lack of excesses in my life.

James and I didn't see a lot of one another, he had no shared interests with me now but he and Bella more or less got on, they seemed almost close sometimes, and quite strained at other times, and I never saw why. She sometimes seemed almost glad to see him and other times she went into an almost sulk if he dropped in.

The complexities of women had never been my strong point but I had no fears they were attracted to each other, the vibe was never like that. Some days it almost reeked of hate and mistrust but maybe I was reading in things that weren't there.

They spent so little time together, it didn't really matter if she liked him and I was over any feelings of friendship with him anyway now our lives had headed in opposite directions.

He had kept Victoria on for an indefinite time, I had a feeling James may be maturing at last and finding her company outside the playroom as fulfilling as within its walls.

I was sure he would never give up his hobby but he seemed to have achieved what I had failed at, he had found a woman who could be all things to him.

I didn't envy him, he would never have a child or a family, and that was worth more than any session with a whip in my book, now I had denied my nature long enough to stop wishing to return to my earlier habits.

We were on a pretty even keel, the waters were calm, and we drifted along, enjoying the peace and serenity of our life together.

Sami had tied us together in a permanent way and I no longer had the urge to leave and make their lives better, she was happy, we were happy, it was enough.

Maybe a blander life than before but one filled with love and affection, something I had never had before I met Bella.

I would say, all in all, we were doing okay. I smiled at the anticipation of tonight's treat, we had never progressed to backdoor sex, it didn't seem necessary, now I was content and we had sex most nights, whether she was in her bleeding cycle or not, she had found it more acceptable than she expected once we tried it.

It led to shower sex by necessity and she had a taste for that.

I wondered what treat awaited me. Maybe she had new lingerie. I had hinted about my love for crotchless panties, sometimes the addition of clothing was better than naked. I remember the first time we made love, on Charlie's back porch, the feel of the lace that edged her panties that she had moved aside rather than taken of, it had been erotic and new. I always assumed naked was the only way to go until that night.

I rarely even thought about the old days before Bella, we had moved on and life was nice now.

I would never do anything to lose my wife and daughter, nothing was more important to me than they were. So long as nothing ever awoke the monster, we would all be great.

I rolled Sami along the floor and tickled her belly and wondered how I ever thought I should leave the most important girls in my existence.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella Swan Cullen.

I walked back to the gym to retrieve my car. Today had gone okay, over the past few months, James had managed to convince me not all pain was bad, and he regularly used his smallest crop against my skin now without me flinching. He never deliberately marked me, any slight bruises Edward usually dismissed as accidents and asked what I had done 'this time' and I usually replied I had no idea, seeing I sucked at lying.

James had organized and supervised the fitting out of our playroom, in the redundant old single garage down the very back of our property, when Edward was safely at work. It had been previously converted into a writer's studio and Edward stayed well away, convinced I spent time writing the great American novel down there. The toys and equipment were all in place, ready for the big reveal.

I was trying to gather up some enthusiasm but it wouldn't matter that much seeing Subs have to sit down and shut up pretty much. I was hopeful I would be able to pull this off and make Edward happy. He coasted along these days, the highs and lows had evened out, so this night could add some spice back into our marriage for him.

I was happy at sex without any trimmings but I owed Edward this attempt to allow him to resume his former hobby.

I unlocked my car and stood back in shock to see Rose sitting in the front passenger seat, reading a magazine.

"Hello, Bella, how was gym?" she asked, looking up at me like she really was wondering that.

"Ah, fine." I answered.

"What sort of membership do you have again?"

"Just normal, unlimited hours of access any time."

"Funny, because the receptionist thinks you have an expired membership, yet clearly you still use their equipment, how stupid are they?"

I sat in silence. No point lying to Rose.

"Or is it us who are the stupid ones, I wonder? I saw you get out of James' car. Are you going to tell me you are giving him lessons in cookie baking or shall we just go for the truth? How long has this been going on?"

"Rose, it isn't anything like what you are thinking."

"Of course not, whenever has an affair been an affair? It's always not what we are thinking. It's just sex? Comfort? A man to betray Edward with?"

"Wrong, if you must know, he is my trainer."

"James' is your trainer? Edward would get you a way better personal trainer than him. Why James?"

"Um, not gym trainer. He is teaching me to be a Sub. For Edward. Tonight is the reveal."

"Shit, Bella, is this wise? I thought he was happy now."

"Oh yes, he enjoys vanilla more these days but he still talks in his sleep, Rose. He needs other flavors and I want to keep him forever so I had to adjust and change."

"I have such a bad feeling about this. I think he is happy, you can't pay much credence to sleep talk. Who knows what we say in our sleep unless our partner tells us? I once told Emmett I was joining Jack Sparrows crew. Must have been the Pirates marathon the week before. Our mind just sifts and sorts and discards while we sleep, it doesn't have to mean anything."

"With Edward, it does. He loved his old life, it was never fair to force him into a box that didn't allow him room to enjoy his preferences. He tolerates life now, Rose. He never gets passionate about anything, those tablets just keep him half dead, never allowed to show and experience his true feelings. It isn't right."

"Have you ever heard the expression,'don't rock the boat'? 'Let sleeping dogs lie'? I think he is doing his best, for you. He wants your happiness above his own."

"And that's unfair. This won't interfere with our lives, it will add to it."

"And you enjoy being a Sub?"

"I can do it for Edward."

"If you say so. I hope you know what you are doing. "

She sighed.

" See you tonight. I have Sami's things already. I made an extra dessert, Emmett is going through a 'growth spurt' apparently, he got that out of my childcare manual, he refuses to believe it only applies to children."

I drove home and frowned at her words.

She didn't know Edward like I did. He would want this. This would be something we could both do, now and then, in secret. Sami was weaned and old enough to be left at Rose's one night a week, we could use our playroom and Edward could be happy again.

I was doing what was best for us, and I suppose it was natural for her to not understand because no average, normal person would.

It was hard enough for me to accept.

I arrived home and was ambushed by my daughter and husband.

"Mumma,mumma." squealed Sami s Edward held her up for my kiss.

"Have you been good for Daddy?"

"She is always good for Daddy. She and her Momma are the very best things to have ever happened to Daddy."

He was sincere and I smiled and knew I was doing the right thing. I would do anything for Edward and I would be proving that tonight.

After my 'post gym' shower, I dressed and went to the kitchen and got things ready to cook for tonight's dinner.

Edward put Sami in her highchair and fed her pieces of cut up fruit and we chatted about tonight and whether we should invite Esme and Carlisle but they had just flown in and would be tired. While we debated, he helped me with the vegetables and he finally rang and left to to them if they wanted to come.

Tomorrow night was the Big Event as far as everyone was concerned but for us, tonight would be the beginning.

While Edward showered, I snuck down to our playroom to check one last time that all was ready. Sami was cat napping, I could never have walked through this door with her in my arms, I had to be an entirely different Bella in this space.

I felt nervous and my stomach flipped and flopped as I touched the riding crop. It was black, I could not even bring myself to buy the usual brown one, it gave me shudders as my mind flashed back. So I had this one custom made.

Everything was ready, like I knew already. I hoped the canes would be a very long way down the road, James' one attempt at introducing those whippy little bastards had left me crying out in pain and horror.

It would be different with Edward.

It would.

I closed my mind to the idea he would be different once this door closed, and he would forget again, who I was.

I knew that was the truth, but I wanted him to hang on to some humanity and remember I was doing this out of love.

I wanted him to still be Edward, just a masterful, happy, fulfilled Edward.

I closed and locked the door. Emmett was worse than any child, he was forever looking in places he shouldn't, he had no boundaries when it came to privacy.

I went back inside and Edward was setting the table in the formal dining room.

"I set a place each for Mom and Dad, I think they will come over tonight, no matter how tired they are. They can't resist any chance to be with Sami."

I turned the roast, and put the vegetables into bake and went upstairs and carefully dressed in my demure and modest blue frock and smiled at the contrast between this outfit and the other I would wear later tonight.

Alice arrived first, with Jasper and they handed over a gaily wrapped gift, Alice was now adding men's clothes to her line and Edward was clearly the first man, after Jasper, to own an Alice Whitlock Original. The shirt was amazing, pure silk and cleverly cut.

We told her how clever she was and I helped Edward change into it there and then. Alice fussed about, critically examining the way it fit and sat and was satisfied.

Edward looked far more amazing than any male model and she noticed that, as well.

"Um, brother, you know it's my birthday shortly? Instead of racking your overworked brain looking for the perfect gift for me, how about you and Jasper model my first men's collection? Who could find fault with the clothing with you two pieces of manmeat wearing them? We have to use real models on the catwalk but how about you and Jas do the photo shoot for the campaign? Pretty please, with sugar on top?" she begged shamelessly.

"Sure, sis, if that's what you want, I am sure we can come to some arrangement." he winked.

Alice always managed to get whatever she wanted, her big eyes and tiny frame threw every male into protective mode and they wanted to help her and make her happy.

Jas thought it would be cool, a rockstar in his wife's photo shoot. He was photographed constantly anyway.

Emmett and Rose arrived and the twins were running about noisily and woke Sami so I changed her into her party frock and brought her downstairs.

It was always chaos with the kids but Edward would never consider it a party without them. They were all being professionally babysat tomorrow night so tonight was their only chance to celebrate his birthday with him.

Rose and Emmett had bought Edward a gag gift of a faked up Senior's card and a walking stick and a pair of revolting corduroy slippers, for his 'old age', and their real gift was a pair of hand made Italian cowboy boots. Emmett had a similar pair and Edward had always admired them, so now all our men had boots and Emmett and Jasper insisted they had to line dance to make sure Edward's new boots worked.

The babies were joining in and the atmosphere happy and Esme and Carlisle walked into the bedlam and hugged and kissed me as I dashed to the kitchen to start carving the meat.

Esme insisted on helping and dinner was served. The children were all fed already so they just watched a dvd of some kid's show but Sami came and climbed onto Edward's knee and stole bits of food off his plate. For her size, she could eat an extraordinary amount of food.

The wine flowed, and we all toasted Edward and I handed over my 'public' gift of an engraved name bracelet and he kissed me and put it on, and he kept touching and looking at it as the evening progressed.

Esme and Carlisle pleaded jet lag and left early, Rose and Emmett scooped up the three exhausted children and we kissed Sami goodbye and promised to be over to collect her after breakfast.

Edward seemed loathe to let her go even for one night, but it was necessary, even though he didn't know that. We could not leave her alone in the house while we were so far down in the shed.

"So, what have you got planned for tonight? I imagine there's a chocolate mousse hidden in the fridge for some serious licking game, or are you too doing sex under the stars at the beach?"

"You will never know." I informed her and kissed both Jasper and her goodnight and they left.

Edward stood right behind me and pulled my body in close against his.

He kissed my neck as they drove away and I led him down the path to the back yard.

"I hope there is mousse involved" he murmured as I felt him harden against my back.

His hands were exploring everywhere as we walked and I stopped him halfway down the yard and blindfolded him.

He smirked.

"Just assure me there are not about to be any friends and relatives jumping out from behind furniture because my hard on will be obvious to all."

"No, no surprise people, just a surprise room make over and some old familiar 'friends' of the inanimate kind." I promised.

"Stay here and open the door and come inside in five minutes." I ordered as we reached the playroom.

"Naked?" he asked with a smirk.

"I'm sure naked will happen, maybe leave your boxers on at first. And thank James later for making this possible. It's taken months of hard work on both our parts."

I kissed him deeply and he responded willingly and I stroked through his clothing at his erection.

Edward was ready, now I had to assume the position.

I broke our kiss reluctantly. It would be the last connection with affection tonight.

I was sitting on the floor on a pallet against the far wall, head bowed, dressed in handcuffs, blindfold, and crotchless panties and a peekaboo bra, in black leather.

I heard the door open and Edward gasp.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward Cullen

Walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away chanted my head as I took in the scene before me.

"No, Edward, that would be rude. She wants this. She is offering herself to you, just like you used to dream she would. Just have a little tiny taste." urged the monster, shaking off his shackles.

Walk away, walk away, you can do that, shut your eyes, don't look, don't think, for God's sake don't think, just walk away. Come on.

I almost turned and did just that.

"Welcome home, Edward, look at her, in the corner, waiting for your command. Don't throw this back in her face, she has changed herself for you. Accept her gift, didn't your Momma raise you to be polite?"

I put my head to one side.

Wasn't this the ideal solution? Hadn't I dreamed about this very thing more often than any other dream?

I stepped through the doorway and my hand reached for the black riding crop that sat on the bench nearest the door.

The room was familiar, almost identical. The bed waited, the toys were there, not as many or as varied as before, she probably had no idea what some of the others were. Or what they were used for.

I could work with this lot. Very nicely.

No harnesses but otherwise the bed was the same.

Don't do this, don't let it start again, begged my brain.

I slapped the crop against my thigh.

"Get on your hands and knees and have your mouth ready to take me in." I ordered.


	9. Chapter 9

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 9

We All Fall Down

**(This is in the Playroom, there will be sex of all kinds, be warned.)(I didnt reread to edit, so sorry for typoes.)**

Bella Swan Cullen.

I heard the order and assumed the position, the pallet thin and not very well padded but apparently Subs don't have their comfort catered to.

Edward marched over to me and I felt him shaft as he pushed it into my mouth and he started bucking madly.

Tonight would be hard, he was so overdue for a session and I was theoretically prepared but of course, my 'scenes' with James had not been full ones, there had never been sex involved until now.

Not that he hadn't offered. I had expected as much, he was James. A fuck was a fuck was a fuck.

But I had been shocked when he was shackling me to his bed and he offered again, in front of Victoria.

That just seemed both wrong and rude.

Naturally, she took it in her stride and tried to cosy up beside me.

"Oh yes, Bella, let us join in, these dry runs are just a drag. We could make some beautiful music together and James could fuck us both. You can ever go first if you prefer. Don't worry, he has plenty of stamina, James can fuck for days. Have a taste of another flavor, Bella. Girls can be so much fun as well. We know where the best spots are and how to ignite them, first hand."

I had managed not to gag but I shook my head and said thanks but no thanks.

I felt James join us on the bed and I stopped breathing, realizing I had put myself in a really stupid and possibly dangerous position here so I was actually very relieved when they simply settled for having sex right beside me. The blindfold was very welcome and I waited terrified I would be dessert but other than groping at my thigh, James didn't attempt anything with me.

I assumed he had some conscience or else he respected Edward enough to leave me untouched and I scuttled out very quickly afterwards.

He 'dropped in' unexpectedly at our house that night and regaled us with stories of having two women in his bed, and he smirked when Edward crossly told him that subject was hardly appropriate with me in the room.

He sat back out of Edward's line of vision.

"Sorry, but this other woman, she was delicious, very tempting, she looked very palatable. I would have loved just a taste. A snack. My tongue was begging for me to.."

"James, enough." said Edward, clearly puzzled.

James never spoke that like usually.

He left soon after.

"Sorry about that. I don't know what he was thinking, he knows I never want you to have to hear the gory details of the life of a Dom."

I blushed a million shades of red.

I was getting to know that life quite closely now.

Edward finished with my throat and sighed in relief.

I could sense his ambivilence at what he was doing but he didn't seem to want to stop.

He grabbed my hands and pulled me to the wall and raised them above my head.

I could reach the floor, I had insisted upon that when James was having the ring fitted. I didn't have any intention of coming out of this room injured.

Edward was behind me and his hands explorered my body and his fingers pressed at my back entrance. He pulled the bra off me and my nipples pebbled.

"We have to prepare this area for regular use. It's time." he said, sighing as he rubbed me.

His hands left then I felt a single finger being eased inside, but he was using lube and I had been using the rubber plugs at James instructions so I was actually quite prepared for this.

He was surprised as he hit little resistence.

"Have you been preparing for this?' he asked. "You may nod."

I nodded.

"Have you used the plugs long enough yet?"

I nodded again.

"Have you had anything inserted? A vibe?"

I nodded again.

That had been painful at first but James had insisted it was a very basic necessity, to be ready for backdoor sex.

"James hasn't..."

I shook my head. I would never go that far with that man. Or any man other than my husband.

"So, still unchartered waters? Still a virgin in this territory?"

I nodded.

Edward reached for my clit and started rubbing it as his finger kept pushing in and out behind.

"Are you ready to try?" he asked.

He was not completely the master, he spoke with a degree of care in his voice.

I nodded.

"Bella, I love you so much." he whispered as he seemed to forget his role completely.

He unshackled me from the wall and took the handcuffs off, and walked me towards the bed, positioning me on my hands and knees.

"I won't hurt you, I won't gag you, use the safe words if you need to." he said quietly in my ear.

I felt him press inside my pussy and he was firm with his thrusts but still connected so I was happy to respond, and his fingers were playing with my clit.

His other hand was massaging my cheeks and I relaxed, aware by now relaxation was the key.

His finger entered me again and then a second and I didn't need to flinch.

He sighed and kissed my neck, then added a third and I felt his mouth smile against my back when I continued to take it easily.

As I started to peak, he withdrew and I heard him cover himself in lube before he slowly entered where no man had gone before.

His hand was on my breast, massaging both in turn, and the other kept my clit excited. He took it gently amd slowly and grunted when he was fully inside.

Placing his hand on my hips and pulled almost out, then back in, still slowly and steadily.

He reached for my clit again and he murmured words of affection as he teased me to a state of excitement as he trust harder inside.

"God, Bella, so amazing, so fucking tight."

I came undone as he did and he paused and withdrew slowly, his hand caressing my cheeks.

That had been intense, uncomfortable but not horrible. He had made the experience as good as it could have been.

"Bella, thank you, so much. I love you." he whispered close to my ear.

I felt him leave the bed and he pulled the blindfold off.

My legs were shaking and felt like they had turned to jelly.

He lifted me into his arms and walked towards the newly added full bathroom James had insisted was a necessity.

Edward ran the bath until it was full of warm water then added something and climbed in, laying me in his lap. I felt as weak as a kitten and lay against him, my back to his chest, and he washed me with the natural sponge and bodywash.

"I didn't expect anything like this, Bella, you are an amazing woman. Are you okay?"

I nooded.

"Speak. We are technically out of the playroom."

"I'm okay I just feel really weak and boneless." I answered.

"That's only to be expected. You are without a doubt, the most fantastic woman in the universe. I love what you are doing for me."

"I love you, Edward and I want us to be together, forever."

"We will be, my love. You have done everything to make that possible and I always wanted that anyway. I could never leave you now, never ever."

He kissed my neck and cheek and after we were clean, he dried me and wrapped me in another clean towel and pulled his jeans back on before carrying me inside to our bed. All night I lay in his arms and he kissed me and murmured how happy he was, and thanked me over and over.

I should have been more adventurous from the start.

I could even see a time when I enjoyed what we had done tonight.

Sleep took me in and when we awoke, it was later than we had planned so we rushed through our shower together. I was as sticky and my buttocks felt as tacky as if we had just done it.

Edward washed my body and felt my back entrance.

I was sore but not too bad.

"Are you okay? I never took a woman there before who hadn't been well used to that activity."

I nodded.

I guess it was a first of sorts for him, but he had done everything with others before he met me. He could introduce me to far more new experiences than I could ever offer him.

He pulled me into his arms.

"I'm sure it will get easier for you in time. Thank you, Bella."

I was happy, I had done the right thing, Rose was wrong.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward Cullen

Last night had exceeded all my hopes and expectations and I had been amazed at what Bella had done in preparing her body for mine. She must have been in training for months now.

Suddenly the 'gym' visits made sense. James better not have laid a finger on her, it was quite possible to train by instruction, I had done it once myself when I was asked to teach a potential Sub while I was mid contract with my third girl. I had allowed her to watch us and had suplied what she needed to prepare her own body so I was confident Bella had done the same, learned by example, not practice.

I trusted my wife completely, though I would never trust James and I was quite sure he would have offerred 'proper training' as well. But Bella was far too moral to ever betray me.

I would have been horrified had she told me James had been in there first.

My juices were stirred up last night but dulled by the medication.

Oh, Thank God I can discontinue that shit, and start to feel fully alive again.

I tipped the remaining tablets into the toilet and flushed them away when I used our bathroom in the night.

Bella was an amazing woman. To think there had been a time when I had been determined to walk away from her. I was insane.

I found myself reliving our activities over and over, unable to join her slumber.

She lay relxed against me and my dick twitched at the memory and the knowledge now all areas were open for my access.

I had not struck her at all, and maybe I could compromise too, and lose the need to hurt?

We could hope.

She was so precious, so loving, so determined to be what I really needed.

I traced my finger down her spine and hit her back entrance.

I had been in there, balls deep. I had taken her in all ways now. She was truly mine and I could do these things again, whenever I wanted, and without compromising our wedding vows.

Could life get any better?

It would.

As she allowed me more and more satisfaction in our playroom, I would eventually reach nirvana, a state of complete bliss, thanks to her.

I wondered when she would be up to our next session?

Damn this stupid party tonight, I had no desire to be bombarded with gifts and have relatives and aqquaintances drink to my health, I wanted a party for two, in my own backyard with it's secret treasure chest of delight.

Backdoor sex was a particular weakness of mine, I had never been able to forget the sensation of being inside that tightly, and being in her first, that was really special.

She probably didn't realize how much it meant to me. Not just the concession to allow it, but to prepare herself for me so I could realize the dream first time we played together...she was some woman.

I peppered small kisses on her back and noticed the small, faint scars for the first time.

James had been whipping her, using a crop, by these small curved marks but also there were the ghosts of lines caused by canes.

God, canes are my Archillies Hell. Nothing felt as exciting as whipping a woman with a cane. My second sub, and Victoria, had both loved canes and I had almost kept her on for another year for that reason alone.

The feel of the smack of the crop paled against the erotic kiss of a well placed cane lashing.

That would be soon, if not next, seeing she had been trained to take it.

Bless this woman.

I slept and in my dreams we were in the playroom and Bella replaced the Subs I had been with, and her face moaned in pleasure and begged me for more as I weilded the cane in my hand. I struck her across the back, the backside, then her breats and she moaned in delight. I felt myself buck and release in my sleep, it was so real and erotic.

I opened my eyes, but it was still dark.

I longed for our next session.

Was her back entrance recovered yet? I had no experience of a newly taken virgin in any sense, my partners were all well trained in everything before I signed them up. They had been able to offer multiple penetrations in a single session, how long until Bella got to that stage?

I needed repeated sessions, I needed to release at the very minimum of three times when I was having sex, it had always been that way. Even when I cashed in my V card at High School, it had been with a very experienced girl two years older and she had encouraged me to hardened again over and over, my first time had also been my second, and third. If my dick didn't recover fast enough, she had put it in her mouth and sucked it back to full attention.

I had never had a session involving only a single release . Thank God I had come down Bella's throat before she let me in there.

I may have not been able to remain as gentle as I had if it had been my first, frantic release.

I rubbed myself between her cheeks, carefully stroking myself against her back entrance and releasing on it, not daring to push inside again yet.

God, I wanted to be back in there. I loved pussy but it could never be as tight, as erotic, as that special place made just for me.

I shut my eyes and rocked against her. I was back, I would be more and more alert and fully switched on as the drugs cleared my system, then we would be having some proper games as Sub and Dom.

My hand stroked my dick as she slept, oblivious to what she had started tonight. I needed more, I was addicted to the feelings she had allowed, and the ones she soon would.

In future, she would not speak and I would be her true Master.

My dick exploded at the thought and I pumped against her back.

She murmured and pushed herself closer, and I found my so recently saisfied cock harden as it felt her cheeks .

Shit, how many more times?

I reached around the front placed my hands on her breasts as my cock simulated the sex we had just experienced for the first time, and released again .

The monster smiled then laughed with glee as I fell asleep again finally.

xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx

I was glad we had to go and collect our daughter as my mind definitely needed the distraction. Just sitting in the car beside Bella was taking my mind places better not visited in the light of day. She was oblivious to what she had started and she chatted excitedly about tonight, a party I just wanted to be over, and about the new designs Alice was coming up with and some sofa she and Rose had seen in a shop and she was thinking of buying to put in the sunroom.

I was thinking sex, sex, sex, bondage, and caning.

I needed to switch off, without my meds my fucking brain would not turn off. Maybe I had been too hasty throwing them away but I was not going back on them again, so maybe it was a good thing.

My mind was seesawing, swinging back and forth, almost out of control.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Sami appeared at Rose's front door, dwardfed in Emmett's massive arms, and she squealed and held her hands out to me.

"Dadda!"

I almost heard the click as I switched back to Edward Cullen, father.

"Sami baby, I missed you sooo much." I crooned and swung her in the air.

She patted her tiny hands against my cheeks, and laughed at finding me unshaven.

"Dadda's prickly."

Her nails grazed across my stubble and she laughed louder.

"Come in, excuse the mess, Nash and Natalie are competing to see who can make the most chaos with their toys." Emmett said, stepping over the array of plastic playthings in our path to the sitting room. Nash was bashing two toy trucks together and screaming in delight while Nat watched him, fascinated, but not quite game to be as loud herself.

They were Emmett and Rose all over again. Natalie was tall and pretty and golden haired, Nash stocky and taller than any other boy his age, with a head full of tangled black curls and piercing blue eyes.

Nash had the out there personality both her parents shared but Natalie was quieter, maybe she just never got a word in around her boisterous brother.

If she took after Rose, she would soon learn how to talk over him and talk him down into submission.

I wish I hadn't thought that word.

I carried my daughter outside and walked around the gardens and tried to concentrate on her alone.

"Lobs you." said Sami, kissing my face enthusiastically and breaking the spell.

"Daddy loves you very much, Sami."

I know it's wrong to expect a child to save me, and I don't even know from what, exactly, but my mind pleaded with her to rescue me.

I was subdued for the rest of the day, my head suffering from the whiplash my emotions were in.

Bella was puzzled and concerned so I tried to smile and assure her, all was well.

Emmett offered me a beer as the afternoon progressed and I shook my head. I don't think adding alcohol could possibly be a good idea.

Finally Bella announced we had to go home and Rose suggested Sami sleepover again, and we share a babysitter, or else get ours to sit here with theirs so Bella arranged things and I gave Sami a bath and dressed her for bed.

Bella had cooked her dinner by the time I was done and I helped my daughter eat and not wear the meal.

The sitters arrived, two middle aged women Rose knew from work, no sexy teens would ever be paraded around Emmett. Rose trusted him completely but she was a firm believer in not taking unnecessary chances. No point tempting Fate or shoving pretty girls with a hormonal overload in his face.

We met up at the club and I feigned surprise and accepted the kisses and hugs and repeated how shocked I was, I had thought it was just dinner out with Bella and Rose and Emmett, how on earth had this all been arranged without me suspecting anything?

And what time will it be over?

Bella growled and suggested strongly I act more like this was something I was pleased to have happen when she caught me looking at my new watch from my parents for the twentieth time.

"You only turn thirty once, relax and have fun, will you?" she hissed.

"Oh I plan to, as soon as we get home." I whispered in her ear and she blushed. Then her face changed and she stood back.

"Not in the...?"

"Oh yes, in the playroom." I confirmed. A rare night away from Sami, why would we waste it?

"I am not sure if I am.."

"I can do other stuff, Bella, we can expand on last night's games, I won't return to that particular delight until you are ready." I promised.

I meant it, I am not out of control.

Just anxious.

Emmett pressed beer after beer into my hand, Jasper started a row of shots along the bar and I gave in, anything to get this night over with.

We were all pretty relaxed by the time our respective wives started suggesting we call it a night.

"You won't let him drive, will you Bella?" my mother clucked.

"I have ordered us a cab, I think I would be over the limit myself. We can get the car tomorrow." she replied.

"I'll drive you home, and Carlisle can follow in the rental." Mom suggested.

Oh no, no way was she coming over and then staying for coffee and before you know it, Bella would be suggesting they stayed the night in a guest room.

"No, Mom, you have done enough, more than enough. You go on up to your suite and get a good night's sleep and we will see you tomorrow on our picnic with the kids." I suggested, kissing her Goodnight firmly.

The taxi arrived and I pulled my wife towards it and she was still calling out her Goodnights as we sped off, towards Paradise.

"Edward, we are both tired..." she started as the driver pulled up.

"I have my second wind and you will love tonight, I promise."

I led her down the path and unlocked the door and sent her to the bathroom to change.

Well, to strip, I had no patience with clothes tonight.

I dropped my suit where I stood and kicked it out of the way.

Quickly approaching the rack of canes, I selected my two favorites.

Oh yeah, tonight was going to be fun.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella Swan.

'You can endure this, you can endure this, you are doing this for the man you love.'

The night passed in a haze of pain and shock and sometimes, my fear bordered on terror.

I was extremely grateful for every drop of liquor I had imbibed, and wished I had drunk even more.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say.

I retreated inside myself and relaxed my muscles and went to my happy place. This too shall pass, this time tomorrow it will all be but a memory.

One I will suppress, no doubt.

xxx xxx xxx

I stood under the shower the next morning and flinched as the heat hit the welts on my back.

Lucky none of this will show when I am wearing clothes, was my only consolation.

Edward stood at the doorway of the bathroom and stared and bit his lip, but said nothing. He returned and rubbed some of his salve which I imagine he bought by the case, onto my back and I stood silently and let him.

He leaned in and kissed my marks and I sighed internally.

I asked for this, I trained for this, now I just had to endure this.

"Bella, come back to bed." he said quietly and I allowed him to lead me to our bedroom.

He opened the covers and lay me down inside the sheets and started gently stroking my sides.

I guess this is my reward for last night.

Edward was carefull and loving and he caressed my face and gazed into my eyes as he stroked inside me with his body.

I didn't fake orgasm, I just lay there and hoped he wouldn't be mad at me.

He touched my cheek and wiped away the tears I had no idea were falling.

I tried to respond to his touch but my body was too tired and numb.

Edward stood and walked to his closet and pulled on a Tshirt and boxers and jeans.

He hadn't finished either, he was pale and looked almost in shock himself.

He handed me a couple of strong painkillers and a glass of water and I was oblivious for the rest of the morning.

When I woke up, I could hear Esme talking and Sami laughing.

"I hope she feels better soon, Edward. She isn't pregnant, is she?" asked my Mother-in-law hopefully.

I had better not be because I would rather die than bring another child into this family.

Edward brought a sweet smelling Sami in to say Goodnight when I woke up again, and he asked me if I wanted anything to eat.

I shook my head and rolled over, away from him.

I heard him put the bottle of pain killers on my bedside table and he shook two out, on second thought, and took the bottle away.

I swallowed them down and welcomed the darkness.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward Cullen, Monster

I moved all my clothes into the larger bedroom in the guesthouse and sighed resignedly as I opened my new presciption. The pills were bitter to swallow in more ways than one. I needed them, that was obvious, and I should have never tried stopping taking them. Now I had ruined everything and my mind had sealed off all memory of last night.

I had no idea what happened but I had seen the evidence this morning when Bella was in the shower.

This was not acceptable, in any way or form. It ended now.

I rang James and had him remove everything from the playroom while Bella slept.

James was annoyed and I didn't care. He was party to this, he could help me fix the resulting mess. We burned what would burn on a bonfire, and he took the rest with him.

I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for us to keep in touch, and he nodded and left.

I rang Rose and asked for the phone number of the sitter from last night and asked her to come and help out my wife for a week or so while she recovered from 'a virus."

I would take care of Bella myself, I just needed Sami looked after.

Bella didn't speak for days, and I didn't blame her. I wished she would scream or rant or throw things or beat me black and blue, but she simply lay in bed and closed her eyes, whether she was sleeping or not.

By the end of the week, she was up and walking and playing with our daughter while I did the housework and cooked. She ate, she sang to Sami, she talked to the sitter, but I didn't exist in her world now.

I slept in my new bedroom and wondered when the death blow would land.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella Swan Cullen.

Work was my salvation and I loved my job more and more as time passed. The magazine was upmarket and glossy and I spent my days editing, interviewing, lunching with the 'people' who arranged interviews and such for their employers. It was fun, I loved interviewing authors the most, rockstars and actors were not as interesting, many would be forgotten next year. The written word lives on though, and would be there to amuse, thrill, titilate and make many more readers angst as time went by.

I managed to talk Jasper into letting me interview him and his band , though, as I really did enjoy his music, and we did a six page spread. Then Alice agreed to be our Star of this month's issue and they were delighted to both be in the same copy.

Her career was assured for a long time yet, and she and Jasper were getting to the point where they doubted now the wisdom of having children. Their lives were too busy and they loved things the way they were.

I admired them for having the courage to refuse to bow and follow the expected pathway, and to choose what was best for them.

Work was great, and I was glad I had finally given up on the novel that never would be, and found myself a career I could handle and enjoy.

Our new housekeeper was efficient and ran the house with no help from me. I wanted it that way, my downtime from work was all for Sami, and she always had some exciting news to share from her day in kindy. She would be starting school soon, and she was such a character.

She had two bedrooms, one in this cottage and a second one in the Guesthouse where Edward lived.

We were civil to each other, and we ate together as a family on weekends, and other than when we took Sami out together, we spent little time together.

His therapist had insisted he be hospitalized a couple of times when he got lost in his darkness, but he was coping well and working most weeks.

He never brought any women home, and I had never heard of anyone seeing him out dating. He lived for his daughter, and he was the best father ever. There was no way I would ever move out and take her away from him.

Okay, things were just never meant to be between us, but we had both tried to change for each other and we had both paid the price for our differences.

I moved my things from the black purse to the red, and looked out at the sky. It looked like rain today, and I had things to do in the city.

There were new artists moving in and new shows to see and critique, and I hoped one of the art galleries would be holding a showing that would catch my eye.

For some reason I was thinking about Jacob Black as I dashed to my car. I had lost touch pretty much the past few years, but then, I rarely socilaized unless Rose or Alice wanted a night out, or sometimes we still went out in a group of six. Edward and I were not harboring resentments or any bad feelings toward each other. Some things are just not meant to be, but when they result in a child as wonderful as Sami, it is possible to live like we do and remain friends.


	10. Chapter 10

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 10

Bella Swan Cullen

I rang the housekeeper while I waited for Jacob, and in the background I could hear Edward talking to Sami. He used the house as his own, as always, and just slept in the guesthouse.

I head him question Martha when she brightly assured me there was no problem, she or Edward would get Sami to bed.

"Is she working late?" Edward asked.

"No, Mr Cullen, just having dinner with a friend."

"Let me speak to her."

I sighed.

He may be my husband in name still, but what I did with my time was none of his business, as long as I had Sami covered.

"Bella, who are you having dinner with?" he asked.

I guess I had rarely eaten out with anyone since we got married. If I was out with Alice, then there was also Rose. If we were out as a group, Edward was there. This was unusual of me.

"I ran into Jacob Black and we are going to dinner. He has a exhibit of his photos in an art gallery in the city." I explained.

"Are you coming home later or...sleeping over?"

"I will be home after dinner." I stated shortly.

How could he speak to me like that? I felt like some cheap hussy now, and all I intended doing was having dinner with an old friend.

A very attractive old friend.

I asked to speak to Sami.

"Hi, Sweetie. Mommy is going to be late tonight so Daddy will put you to bed, and I will see you in the morning, okay!"

"Why aren't you having dinner with us?" she asked.

"Because a friend of mine invited me to have dinner with him."

"What's his name?" she asked, and I could visualize the quivering lower lip as she spoke.

"His name is Jacob and you have seen lots of photos of him when Mommy was a little girl like you."

"Will you be home before I fall asleep?"

"Probably not but Daddy will read to you, it's his turn tonight anyway, Sami, so be a good girl for me. I will be home when you wake up in the morning." I promised.

Jake smiled at me, and I grinned back.

"Goodnight Sami, sleep tight."

I closed the phone. Sami could tend to be a bit of a drama queen especially if she had Edward in her audience.

"So, that was the famous Samantha, star of Charlie's sitting room wall."

"Dad does adore her. I wish he lived closer to us, he comes to visit every three months or so but I know he wishes she lived close enough to see every week."

"And she is still an only child?'

"Sami will always be my only child. I supposed Edward might one day find someone and have more children but I doubt it at the moment."

Jake opened the door to his car and I climbed in.

"Nice car, a step up from the VW Rabbit." I laughed.

"Maybe ten steps up. I have had a few cars, usually swap them every six months or so, just so I don't get bored." he grinned.

"Sure, wouldn't want to get bored with a car." I agreed. Edward had a garage full of cars, it was a men thing. Like women and shoes only they need larger closets to keep them in.

"So, tell me what has been happening in Bella's World. What's the problem between you and Edward? Charlie gave me the 'irreconcilable differences' line."

"That is completely accurate in our case, actually." I confirmed. "We get along well, we adore one another, but we have different...tastes? Expectations?"

"What, you expect him to be faithful and he doesn't?" Jake asked.

"I wouldn't know, he lives in the guest house in the backyard. I suppose in theory he could have women visiting but I have never seen any evidence and Sami would dob him in if she knew. And not much gets past her eagle eyes."

"How old is she now?"

"Just turned five but little girls today are so different to what they were like when I was five. I never thought past if I would get the new doll I wanted for my birthday. She is a teenager in a child's body."

"Does she get on well with Edward?"

"Amazingly well. They adore each other. He lives for her."

"I hope he copes when she turns all 'I hate you, you aren't my boss, you can't tell me what to do, or who to date' like another teenage girl I once knew."

"Jake, I was never that bad."

"Oh yes you were. That was an exact quote. Remember when you wanted to date Marcus and Charlie put you under house arrest?"

I laughed out loud, recalling that little debacle. Charlie had sent me to my room and banned me from leaving the premises except for going to school. I was sixteen and determined to date whoever I chose, not who he approved of, so maybe it was a quote.

"That didn't work so well for Charlie." he joked.

"Probably should have trimmed the branches off that tree, I used it to climb in my bedroom window more often than I used the front door."

"And so did your friends." he reminded me. Jake had been a frequent visitor during my turbulent teens. My Dad had struggled to raise a girl alone, after my Mother's desertion of us both. Charlie often worked nights and left me home alone so sending me to my room was pointless. I stayed in if I chose to, and left the moment the cruiser turned out of the street if I preferred.

I knew when his shifts ended by his schedule on the kitchen noticeboard and I was always home and in bed before he got back.

He never caught me sneaking out and he never caught anyone sneaking in though it had been close several times. Jake had hidden in my closet or under my bed on occasions.

He had always been there for me, even though I spurned him because of his younger age.

He had offered to be my first when he turned sixteen but at eighteen, I was far too superior to allow anything to happen between myself and a younger male. I had given that honor to a boy from Forks High that I sat beside in Biology. I can hardly remember him, to be honest.

"So, seeing you two are done, do you date?" he asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"I don't but I never thought about it. Edward still acts as my date if we have to go to weddings or such. We don't go out a lot, only with his sister Alice and her friend Rosalie."

"She was the one in your magazine, married to Jasper Whitlock? I love his music."

"Yeah, Jasper's cool. And sexy and gorgeous."

"And you wish you met him before she did?"

I considered that.

"Thanks for putting that little gem in my brain. I always thought Jasper was perfect, now I will be looking at him with regret. Well done, Jacob!"

"I live to spoil other men for you." he laughed.

"Jasper would die before he looked at another woman. And anyway, we are friends and you know how hard that shift is, from friend to something more. Never works."

"You don't know that until you try. How about friend you haven't seen for years who has grown up and established a place for himself in the world but still wants to take you out on dates and rav...lavish you with gifts."

"Lavish or ravish?" I laughed.

"Absolutely, positively, both."

" I could do with a good...lavishing." I sighed.

"So, you and Edward, do you still...?"

"Sleep together? God no."

"So, you are separated with view to divorce?"

"I suppose so. We never talked about it. We had a...thing happen and he moved to the guest house. Nobody else was involved, it's complicated."

"I have the time and patience to hear the story." he offered, pulling into the parking lot and holding my door open for me. Cleo's was crowded but the line up moved aside when we approached and Jake was ushered in like royalty.

Our table was probably the best in the house, the one they kept vacant in case some celeb needed a last minute place.

We ordered drinks and perused the menu's.

"So, who have you dated since we lost touch?'"I asked. Charlie could recite any game score and who played and their history, but gossip never stuck in his brain and he rarely passed anything on to me.

"I dated Leah, and Angela, you remember her?"

"Oh my God, Angela Webber? Why did you two break up, she is like the nicest person on the planet?"

"Mainly because she never got over Ben. It was like having a third person in our relationship. They got back together and got married so it was all for a good cause."

"You let a good one go, Jake."

"Huh, you can't hold on to a woman who doesn't want to be held on to." he replied."So, you and Edward? You were going to explain."

I shook my head. There was no way to relate the story without the listener getting the wrong picture in their head. Edward my husband was not violent, Edward the Dom was a monster, there was no doubt.

How his Subs had tolerated and even enjoyed what he and others like him, did was beyond my understanding. How does pain have a place in sex? And even worse, in love?

I know Edward loves me and I know he is paying for his crime and I know he wishes he had never stepped in that Goddamn room. God knows I wish I had never tried to become his Sub. I was naive and ignorant and even though I read extensively about the truth of what went down between a proper Dom and his Sub, I still expected Edward to treat me differently.

I was the one at fault, the stupid lamb putting herself in the hungry lion's cage. I cost us our marriage and I paid as well. But we were both determined Sami would not pay any more than was inevitable. She knew we lived apart and she knew Alice and Jasper didn't, and Rose and Emmett didn't, and it bothered her already.

Just last week Edward had been having dinner with us, something that occurred every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night but often other nights as well, and I was feeling crappy, my period due, and I begged off playing any bedtime games with her and asked Edward to take over even though it was my night. We alternated who bathed her and put her to bed and read the never ending list of stories she asked for.

I took a shower and collapsed into bed and Edward brought Sami in to say Goodnight. He waited at the door, he had never entered our bedroom again since he left it.

"What's wrong Mommy?" she asked.

"I have a headache and a sore tummy." I answered.

"You should let daddy rub your tummy and kiss your headache away." she suggested.

"You could do that for me." I suggested and she scowled, then kissed my forehead.

"Why isn't Daddy allowed to kiss you?" she asked.

"Daddy does kiss me, you have seen him." I reminded her.

"Not like Aunt Alice kisses Uncle Jasper. And they sleep in the same bed. And so does Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett. And you are married to Daddy so why does he sleep in the guesthouse?" she questioned.

I hadn't expected this yet, I thought we had a few years yet before the hard questions began.

"Daddy snores really loudly and keeps Mommy awake." answered Edward. "So he has his own bedroom, like you do."

"But Emmett snores and Rose doesn't kick him out of her bed."

"Mommy didn't kick me out of her bed. I wanted to let Mommy get some sleep at night. Rose sleeps even when Nash and Natty fight in the mornings, but they would wake your Mommy up, wouldn't they? Mommy doesn't sleep as deeply as Aunt Rose."

"So, if Nash and Natty were your kids, they would have to sleep in the guesthouse?" she asked.

"No, because they would have their own bedrooms in the house and Mommy wouldn't hear them."

"So, why don't you have your own bedroom in the house?"

"Because this house is all girlie and pretty and I sleep in the guesthouse where it's all manly." Edward said.

"But I sleep in the guesthouse too, sometimes. And I am a girl."

Edward scooped her up.

"One day, when you are older, we shall explain lots of things you need to know but don't understand yet. Because you are five."

"How old will I be when you splain?"

"Ten." he answered.

"Hhmmph." she answered, crossing her arms.

"Don't you love Daddy?" she looked at me with tears threatening to fall.

"Of course I do. I wouldn't live here if I didn't love Daddy."

"Then let him have a sleepover in your bed. You love me and you let me have a sleepover even though you say in the morning you didn't get a wink of sleep with me rolling around, taking up the whole bed. You aren't fair, you should let Daddy have a sleepover."

"You sound like a girl who is trying to make us forget it is her bedtime and if you aren't in bed in three minutes, there won't be any storytime left. Now kiss Mommy and get into your bed real fast, Sami, because I have to start reading very soon or I will fall asleep and there will be no stories." said Edward.

I mouthed Thank You at Edward, I was not up to coping with the way the conversation had headed.

" Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." he answered.

I laughed and he took her to her bedroom.

A crisis averted, but for how long?

I snuggled down into my cold, empty bed and wished it were possible for Edward to allow himself to have a sleepover. I missed him so much. He had new rules and lines he never crossed, and clearly he didn't trust himself in the same bedroom as me.

For all the pain and scars I had carried out of that night, his were far more crippling.

Mine faded in time, his were as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. He allowed me to talk to his therapist, Aro, he had no secrets from me.

Aro told me Edward saw himself as a complete monster and would never allow himself to be in the position where he could ever hurt me, or anyone else, again. He had chosen this solitary life.

He was his own judge, jury and executioner. He found himself guilty and his sentence would never end.

Now I had to face up to my fears and ask him if I was included in his sentence or was it permissible for me to attempt to move on? I have no idea where things could go with Jake but I need the feel of a pair of arms around me at night especially.

Sex, sometimes I miss it and crave it, sometimes I wish it had never been invented and we got babies from a Cabbage Patch. Maybe then Edward would have been 100% the Edward I had fallen in love with.

And anyway, why was I the one who never got a break? I made a really bad decision. I know that. I should have talked to Edward, I should have made sure training with James was what he wanted for us.

Alice had taken on a business partner who sold her designs to a sweatshop in China and it cost her a whole seasons line. But we all accepted her error, she was human, she trusted someone she shouldn't have. Jasper had never wanted her taking the partner on, but she ignored him advice and he still supported her as she fought to recover her reputation and place in the fashion world. He was there for her.

Rose had her tubes tied when the twins were babies and changed her mind and the reversal hadn't been possible so now she and Emmett were spending thousands on trying to have an in vitro embryo implant inside her every second month. She was taking drugs to achieve this, and they could have far reaching effects, but Emmett supported her and never threw her hasty decision, her mistake, in her face.

Me, I apparently got things so badly wrong it was unforgivable.

I looked at Jake and I knew, this was never going to be what I wanted because he was not the man I wanted.

Maybe I would never get Edward back, my only choices were live without love and affection or start again with someone new, like Jake and settle for what he offered.

Kind of like taking the cheese sandwich when the roast beef was unavailable to you, even though your mouth salivated for it.

The sandwich would be a letdown and nothing like what you craved but it would keep you alive.

I wanted to feel again. I wanted to hope and feel joy and smile and laugh and kiss and make love again.

I was sick of this pale, imitation life.

I kissed Jake chastely Goodnight and waved from inside the front door as he drove home.

"Goodnight, cheese sandwich." I said softly.

"Cheese sandwich? Is that some sort of code?" asked Edward, sitting in the dark. I jumped in fright.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. He usually went to his own quarters once Sami was settled. Martha lived in, so he had no need to be in the cottage once Sami was in bed.

"I thought you might want to talk. To ask me for something." he answered.

"Edward, I don't think I need your permission to date." I replied.

"I thought you might want to file for divorce so you can be free of me." he suggested.

I looked at his sad and defeated face.

"I will do it, Bella. I should have done it before. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too, Edward."

"Can I ask you one favor? If it isn't too much to expect?"

"What?"

"Give us one year. Let's try again. No sex, no...other stuff. I will never want anything like what happened to ever happen again. I deplore the very idea now, since that night. Just let us have a year to try and get back on track. For Sami, if not for me."

I thought it through. I was not ready to say Goodbye to him in a permanent way.

Even if things worked out with Jake, how would we manage? Would he live here in this cottage where Edward once lived with us? Would Edward stay in the guesthouse and watch his daughter be stepfathered up close? Watch his wife remarry under his roof?

I owed us a year.

Jake would wait.

Or maybe Jake would meet someone who finally loved him as he deserved to be loved, as roast beef, not as a cheese sandwich.

"Would you like to stay for a sleepover?" I asked.

"I would love to ." Edward replied.

I took his hand and led him to our bedroom and helped him undress to his boxers.

I stripped down in the bathroom and pulled my nightie on.

Baby steps.

Slow and steady.

And we had to discuss every single step along the way.

Edward was sitting on his side of the bed.

I slid into my side and opened the covers and invited him in.

The feel of his arms around me filled me with hope. I felt him put his face closer to my neck and sniff my hair from where he lay behind me.

"I love you, my Bella." he whispered.

"I love you, my Edward." I replied.

Morning broke and our backs almost broke as well as one enthusiastic daughter jumped on the bed between us, laughing at our faces.

"Daddy had a sleepover." she chortled. "Was if fun, Mommy? Did he read to you?"

"He sang to me, does that count?" I answered.

Lying in Edward's arms as he sang quietly through the night had been magical. I had not pushed him for anything and he hadn't offered, but we had time.

Sami rushed off when she heard Martha in the kitchen.

"May I kiss you, Bella?" he asked hesitantly.

"I wish you would." I replied and felt familiar hands cup my face.

His lips were uncertain and he kept the kiss gentle but loving.

"Edward, all I ever wanted was your love."

"You are the only important thing in my world, Bella, you and Sami. I promise I will never hurt you in any way no matter what."

"I think we both know how to avoid any repetition now." I answered.

"We have to talk, every day, Tell each other how we feel and what we want and need from one another. It has to be different this time. It feels like our last chance, Bella."

I shut my eyes. He was probably right, if we got it wrong again, it would be time to walk away.

xxx xxx xxx

Jake called and I explained I was giving Edward and I one more year. I told him straight out I wanted my marriage to work and he should not wait for me.

"A year, Bella? Sounds like a year in purgatory."

Maybe it would be, but what if it was a year in Heaven, instead?

"I promised to love Edward forever when we got married, Jake. I didn't take those vows lightly and we made a lot of mistakes but maybe they are fixable."

Edward was no more hopeless than a drug addict. If he stayed away from his drug supply, he could be the Edward I knew and loved.

There are drug addicts who reform and recover, I was not about to write him off. He wasn't the only one who made grave errors of judgement.

We broke us, now we had a chance to fix us again. Enough time had passed for Edward to 'withdraw' and learn to live without his fix.

Rose dropped Sami home from kindy that afternoon and raised her eyebrows.

"Sami says Mommy and Daddy had a sleepover." she stated.

"We did." I replied. I wasn't sure how Rose would react, she had been so closely involved every time we we failed in the past.

"Good luck, Bella. I hope it works out for the two of you."

"Thanks, Rose. I wish I had listened to you that day when you caught me coming out of James' car instead of the gym."

"A lot of the things you said that day were true, Bella. Edward wasn't living and he had not hit rock bottom at that point. I think he had to descend into Hell to want to try and reach Heaven."

"We are both going to try our best, Rose. If we fail this time, I think we both know it's over. It's do or die time."

"Well, anything we can do to help, just ask. Sami can sleep over anytime." she offered.

"We have no plans to ever do anything that necessitates Sami having to sleep elsewhere." I assured her.

"God, Bella, I know that. But if you two need to get away alone for a time, just say the word."

"Thanks, Rose. You have been a true friend. I appreciate your support."

She hugged me in tightly.

"Baby steps. And speaking of babies..."

"Rose, really? Congratulations."

"Emmett wants to name this one Velcro...the one that stuck."

"Of course he does. We would be disappointed if he didn't."

xxx xxx xxx

Edward Cullen, Hopeful Husband.

Bella lay asleep and I lay watching her breathe. I know now exactly what I have to offer her now. My heart, my love, my devotion. Will they be enough? The long break from sex of any type was necessary but she smells so sweet and her body sings to me and makes me want to know it again, and make love to her.

It is scary as Hell, I am sure I will never again want the things I used to want.

That night came back to me in my dreams now and then, but it played itself out like a movie played in slow motion and I felt every sting she felt, and my heart shattered and broke and I had to close myself off away from her, but time heals all wounds, for me as well as her.

I wish I could turn back time and do everything right, but I can't. This was a hell of a learning curve and all that was left at the end was the fact I loved her more deeply than ever and I could never do anything to cause her pain again. The monster died the night I first had the dream. He died fighting, but I had been determined to kill him, as he was determined to kill me.

I won.

For years, it had been a hollow victory, because I wasn't able to forget and forgive myself as she forgave me, and I guess most couples would have moved on and tried again with someone else but that was never going to happen for me.

I had only ever experienced love in any form for my parents, my sister, my daughter, and most of all, for my Bella.

I saw my failures as a sickness, I must have been mentally ill surely, to want to inflict pain on her like I had.

Now when she so much as had a paper cut, I wanted to wrap her in cotton wool and keep her safe and fix her pain. It cut into my own heart like a knife.

I know she was meant for me because if there was any chance she wasn't, she would have flown away when she had the chance.

One day I will be a proper husband to her again. One day, when I trust myself as she trusts me.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N Apologies for not answering reviews, I do appreciate them all, good or bad. I am getting a very limited time online due to our crazy internet so it's write and post new chapters or answer reviews, not both. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Sorry this is not edited, but we are back online for the minute and I have to grab the chance to update.

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 11

Edward Cullen

Night time, my favorite time of day, for Bella and I. Days are full of a cheeky, happy child whose eyes know too much and see through me instantly.

It's a relief in a way when she is tucked up in bed and I can turn my attention completely to my wife.

I had taken her almost dating Jake as a sign she was ready to start living again so I had jumped in quickly before they started anything. Time now for my one last chance.

Bella had been so introverted and subdued until that day, all she ever did was work and play with Sami and look sad whenever I caught her eye.

Time to turn things around.

Flowers and chocolates only get you so far with her, she needs things that mean more.

I ran her bath and added her favorite bubble bath and called her into our bathroom.

Bella walked in naked, she was sending me signals I was keen to answer. My therapist was encouraging me to let Bella lead us this time, and see where we headed up under her directions.

She was happy to kiss me, we slept in each other's embrace and suddenly she had changed back into that sexy little siren who sang to me from the first time I saw her.

Bella didn't bother with games, she showed what she wanted and was waiting for me to respond. I was fairly sure I could be trusted, even my dreams never involved that other stuff since the reality of that night had changed me from the inside out.

I did want sex, of course, what man doesn't? One who is lying, I would wager.

But I needed the connection that came with it and I was willing to wait until she was ready for all or nothing, nothing not really being an option. Therefore, all.

I dropped my towel and sank into the far side of the spa bath and held a hand out to her. She stepped in and sat in front of me, her back to my chest and I used the sponge to wash her clean. I paid careful attention to every single inch of her body, caressing every part of her, but I think her breasts came out of that tub sparkling, they had certainly been polished long enough.

My body responded to her closeness but I managed to not to assault her in the rose scented water, and afterwards in bed we lay together and kissed for a while until she fell asleep.

Today had been hectic for her, I knew that, but still I had hoped tonight might be the night.

Patience, Edward, I scolded myself, and fell asleep beside her.

Bella moaned and pushed against my thigh and I shook myself awake and wondered if I could join in her dream, it seemed to be quite erotic. I had been sleeping in our bed for six weeks now. I loved stroking her body, her back, her arms, her face. She would shut her eyes and just relax, we needed to feel again and I loved it when it was my turn, and she touched me all over. Almost.

One of us will have to make that move, but I guess we are both afraid now, of rocking the boat. Of taking us somewhere we shouldn't go.

I would happily begin things but this time, our life has to be about Bella and what she needs and wants. Our old life had always been centered around me, and what I wanted and thought I needed.

And we all know where that led us.

"Edwardddd" she sighed and rubbed herself against my thigh.

I wanted in on this dream! I stroked her stomach and she stilled and lay back flat on the bed and I allowed my fingers to wander and caress her breasts. She opened her eyes and looked at me in surprise.

I smirked at her, she knew she was sexy as, and she must know the effect she has on me by now.

"May I?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, prepared for rejection or acceptance.

She opened her legs and I stroked her thighs and rested my hand on her mound.

She pushed it closer and I slid my hand under her panties, still watching her reaction.

"God yes." she muttered as my fingers began sliding inside her folds, and I kept my other hand busy, rubbing circles on her stomach.

I needed her to trust me and we needed to bond again and the only way I knew was through touch. I had made promises and she believed my words, now she needed to believe my actions.

No time for regrets, no more punishing myself, now all my energy goes on fixing the broken pieces of us back together. Broken trust is the most damaging thing in any relationship, and only time and effort can salvage anything worth having again. I need to rebuild our foundations and make them stronger than before, when I had withheld part of myself from her and forced her to choose based on omissions, which are simply lies and deception by a prettier name. Now she knows me from every angle and she still loves me, so I feel worthy again, and ready to give and accept actions motivated by our love.

"Bella, I am so sorry for everything I put you through, I was so wrong and selfish and foolish and I can't say how much it means to me that you have hung in there and waited for me to wake up and that you want as much as I do, to fix things."

"We have to fix this together. We can do this." she answered.

"I know if I had shown you the entire me, the real Edward, you would never have chosen to marry me and I am so sorry for deceiving you."

"I agree,you should have told me before the wedding, long before. If we had waited and gotten to know each other better, things would have been different."

"You would never have married me." I said sadly.

"We will never know that." she answered. "There's so much more to you than the monster. There's the great friend, the loving husband and the wonderful father, don't sell yourself short or see yourself as just the weakest part of what makes you you. You are a loyal and worthy person, Edward and you are trying hard to make things right. I know that."

"I wish I had met you before the madness started, then it would have never been part of my life. Had I known what a real relationship was, I would never have been searching for a quick thrill, never opened that door. It's my own fault."

"It's all behind us now. We have our future to look forward to and enjoy."

I leaned down and kissed her gently but it changed as she writhed beside me and I positioned my body above hers. She pulled my boxers down and started stroking me slowly.

"Are you sure you are ready for this?" I asked her quietly. She could refuse, I will never touch her without her permission again, and I need to know this is what she wants.

She positioned my erection close to her entrance and smiled as she pushed herself closer.

I slid inside and grabbed her tightly, so we lay as close as humanly possible and felt the connection, more than the physical coupling, letting the emotional bonds rejoin.

Bella held my gaze and I felt myself get lost in her eyes.

"Make love to me, Edward."

I pushed and withdrew slowly, we had all night, there was no rush.

She watched my face and licked her lips.

I wanted to feel those lips on mine again so I kissed her slowly, and kept it going as we rocked together. Bella smiled against my mouth and I placed my forehead on hers and regained eye contact. She would sigh when I hit a spot she liked so I repeated that action and watched her gradually become more excited and we fell undone together.

I lay on top of her and felt her heart racing as my own pounded in my chest. Rolling us so we lay on our sides but not leaving her body, I kissed her again.

The old inhuman hunger was gone. This was what I lived for now. I stroked her tender skin and wondered why I had ever needed to hurt her? It was a mystery to me. I wanted her to smile, to laugh, to be unable to resist my touch, to want me to touch her, not to merely tolerate it.

Her hands moved across my back, down my arms, and she cupped my ass cheeks and pushed me in closer to her warmth.

I was willing to stop at one release, she did not have to fall back into old habits.

"Baby, that was amazing. We can stop if you prefer."

"I don't think so, Edward. It's been a long time, it may only be vanilla but I happen to find it my favorite flavor."

God, I could cut my tongue out for ever saying that to her.

"Bella is my favorite flavour and she tastes like perfection." I answered and sucked on her nipple. She moaned and bit on my earlobe gently, then gasped and stopped..

I know she must be second guessing her every move, afraid to awaken the monster by initiating something too much for me to handle.

"He's dead, Bella, dead and gone. You can do anything you want to me and he won't be back."

She blushed and her skin took on a gentle glow all over. God, she was beautiful and I would do whatever I could to have her all mine again.

She had wanted to date Jacob, I knew that, and it hurt but I didn't blame her. I could still never look at another woman. Well, I had looked, long and hard but none had ever appealed at all.

I could never put my finger on the difference between Bella and every other female I ever saw or met. She was just different, special, in an indefinable way.

Made for me, I guess was the difference. Like we were two pieces of a whole and no other pieces fit like we did.

I knew what I was getting when she walked down that aisle to me.

Now I was ready to be what she had thought she was marrying.

She pushed herself close and made it clear we had merely finished our first round.

I responded and pulled us up so we were sitting facing one another, and I could see her eyes and graze my fingers on her breasts as we started a rhythm. My hands slid to her waist, down to her cheeks and she blushed as I cupped her backside and pulled her closer.

"What?" I asked.

"I just wondered..."

"You just wondered..?"

"If that was still something we would do again?"

It took a few seconds to realize what she meant.

"We will do exactly everything you choose to do, and no more and no less."

"I just thought that could maybe be something we might enjoy, I might enjoy, in time."

"At the moment, that sort of activity is more about sex and less about love. Maybe we wait until we are really sure we want to experiment further?"

"Okay." she smiled.

She was so brave, there was no doubt about that.

"Tell me what you would like the most." I encouraged her.

"I missed this, us. I just want us back and I want to feel I can be what you need."

"You are what I need, you are everything I need. I just hope I am what you need, and what you want." I hesitated asking that question.

"What, Edward?"

"You wanted to date Jacob." I said softy, the hurt raw in my voice.

"I wanted to feel and live again. You were closed off to me and I thought you didn't want us back. It seemed like trying to move on was all that was left."

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Why did you call him a cheese sandwich? If he is a cheese sandwich, what am I?"

"That was mean of me. A cheese sandwich is a snack that keeps you alive if you can't have the roast beef you really desire."

"I am the roast beef?" I asked in surprise.

"You are. My roast beef."

I rocked inside her harder. God, this woman always surprised me. I had wondered if I were the dry bread and glass of water. The food that made the cheese sandwich more appealing.

"Did you want to taste the sandwich?" I asked timidly. Please say you didn't snack on him at all.

"Not when the roast beef became available, I forgot all about him."

"Good." I answered. "What's our plan?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I asked you for one year, what happens then?"

"I am hoping the one year is just the first of many years we have together. Is that what you want?"

"I want eternity, Bella."

I ground against her and watched her face change as she breathed faster and clung tighter to me. This was my new drug, watching her unable to resist as I made her body sing.

I wanted this every day. And every night.

I shook my head as I remembered a time when I wanted to control her body and force her to only come on my command. Now I aimed to please her as often as she wanted and I would never deny her this right, to feel what she liked so much.

"Edward." she gasped and I smiled.

I loved the want, the desperation, the knowledge I was giving her this feeling, the honor she bestowed on me, letting me bring her to the brink and over.

I placed my mouth against hers and felt her lips attack mine with hunger as she stiled and shook and her walls grasped me tightly. She took me with her, and I hadn't expected that and she laughed at the surprise on my face.

"Vanilla can be good, Edward." she smirked.

"Vanilla can be very good, Bella, the best flavour ever." I agreed breathlessly as my body pumped into hers.

We clung together and kissed for a while then I pulled her into the shower and amused myself as I washed her and she soaped her hands and washed her favourite toy, making me forget which bits of her body I had missed cleaning.

"Bellaaa." I warned.

"What's wrong, Edward? This is between me and my friend. I guess you can watch but no talking." she warned me back.

Her hand felt incredible as she slid along my shaft to the very tip and around it, making me hiss, then back, pushing in deeper inside my body to where my shaft began. Her other hand caressed my sac and made my body shiver and gooseflesh.

I couldn't have made words come out coherently anyway. I had long left handjobs behind, they had been what you settled for before real sex, but she made them seem like something I would be seeking again.

She rinsed me off and dropped to her knees and next thing I was inside her mouth.

I wasn't sure I was ready to test myself this way. Selfish sex.

Bella moaned and I bucked. I let her control everything, the depth, the pace and ending. She allowed me to finish inside her mouth and I thanked the gods for that pleasure. She stood and kissed the water on my chest.

"Your turn." I smiled.

I turned the water off and carried her to our bed and lay her across it, with her legs hanging over the side.

As a Dom, tasting women had never been part of the play, it was mostly about me, so I was new to this activity. Satisfaction for her alone. I just hoped I would get it right.

I had seen it done, but decided early on it was of no interest to me.

Now it was definitely something to add to our activities as she mewed like a kitten against my tongue. I held her thighs apart and tasted her flavour, she was sweet, wet, and loving this.

"Ed..Edwa..." Oh, yes, I was winning here, she had lost her power to speak my name even.

She made me feel like a king, a god, as I gave her pleasure.

She grabbed at my hair and ground her sex needfully against my face, her desperation reeking in the air.

I located her clit easily and licked it softly, harder, flattened my tongue as she bucked. She pushed in closer and I sucked it into my mouth and massaged my tongue around and around until she fell bonelessly as she pulsed into my mouth and she tasted of satisfaction and pure delight.

"Oh My God, who taught you to do that? I have never had that done to me before." she cried out.

"I have never done it before, I am glad you enjoyed it." I smirked at her.

"Oh, you win, Cullen. That was awesome."

"Anytime." I grinned.

"Don't think for one minute I will forget you said that. We will be doing that again. A lot."

She blushed at her own boldness.

"Bella, my love, I want to do that to you every day. Please let me. Feeling you come in my mouth, that was incredible."

"You really haven't done that before?" she asked, looking skeptical.

"Bella, since when has anyone else's needs come before my own? Never, until now. I was never interested enough in pleasing any woman before you. Now your pleasure is my pleasure."

"Okay, if I have to insist you do that regularly, it's just for your benefit." she laughed.

We snuggled down and I covered us with the blankets.

"I think we are back. Are we back?" I asked her.

"Back and better than before. The new, improved us." she answered.

Sleep was easy, exhaustion and elation took their toll and we were woken by a small voice at the door.

"May I come in?" Sami asked.

"This is new." Bella commented.

"I had a word with her. If we are going to be doing the other kind of sleepovers, she needs to enter this bed with care, shall we say."

"Oh, good thinking. Naked parents, not good." Bella agreed.

"Why don't you sit at the table and Mommy and Daddy will have a race to see who finishes their shower first and the loser makes breakfast." said Bella.

Sami clapped and ran for the kitchen. Bella jumped into the shower and shut the door.

"May I come in?" I asked.

"Nope, you come in here and you will come in here and we will forget our daughter. Rain check, I owe you one shower."

The sight of her drying the drops of water off her naked body was not having a very calming effect on me and she leaned and kissed me deeply, which only made my erection harder.

"Get in the shower." she ordered and I turned on the water and stood under its flow and her soapy skillful hand brought me quick relief, then she dashed out to dress and left me to reflect on our new menu. So many tasty items, it would be hard to choose.

xxx xxx xxx

Rose and Alice both openly applauded us being back together. Emmett had never seen us as apart, just resting, so I copped a high five and a few "about times."

Jasper walked in and immediately noticed the change in atmosphere.

He was relieved and happy for us both. He liked his world nicely balanced and we had shaken it out of line.

"I'm glad you woke up before someone else stole her away."

"You mean, Jacob?" I asked.

"They were great friends for so many years. She had to be tempted while you hid in your ivory tower and angsted." he answered.

"I came this close to losing her, Jasper. If I hadn't been in the house when she rang to say she was having dinner with him..."

"Don't let it happen again. Be there for her, so she never has to look further afield."

"Oh, I fully intend to be whatever she needs. I love her. I only ever loved her."

"We know that. I like this Edward better than the other Edward. She makes you a better man."

"She does."

"Then listen to her and allow her to show you the way home."

"I crossed the welcome mat already." I confided in him.

"Well done. Now make sure she always wants to invite you in."

"I will do my best. She is my life now. She and Sami are all I need."

Our change is status thrilled my parents and Charlie even admitted he wanted us back together properly. He had waited all his life for Renee to return to him, so he knew what it was like, to love and to lose and to wait and hope.

I was the lucky one. I could have so easily ended up like him, alone and unable to even try again because the only woman I wanted would have been unavailable.

I coudn't hate Jacob Black, if he hadn't rattled my cage I would have never had the push I needed to man up and offer myself to Bella again. We would have drifted along, afraid to lose what we had by asking for more.

His interest in Bella had spurred me on to take a chance on love.

I owed him a lot.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella Cullen

Jake sat beside me and tossed pebbles into the river.

"So, you two have made things up again?"

"Thanks to you" I replied with a smile.

"What? What did i do, because i take it back."

"Too late. As soon as Edward found out you were interested, he was inspired to try again so I owe my fantastic love life and the return of my husband, to you."

"Damn it, I thought my job was to ruin any other men for you."

"Well, you failed in a big way with Edward. I was always going to love him, Jake. You would not have wanted the little I had to offer. Now, tell me about this new girl of yours."

"Nessie? She is awesome. She reminds me a little of you, without the whole 'Edward is my life' vibe."

"Oh, does she have a 'Jacob is my life' vibe going on?"

"I think we are getting there. She seems to fit, do you know what I mean?"

"I do, Jake. You and I, we fit as friends, but not as anything more. Edward fits with me as my soul mate, and I hope Nessie fits as yours. I want you to be happy, you know. I don't need you pining away for me. All I ever craved was Edward's love and to be what he wanted. And now I am." I finished happily.

"What changed?" he asked.

"Both of us. I think we really listened to each other and saw beyond the surface. Edward needed to be needed and to be loved unconditionally, and he knows he is a better man than he thought he was before. I don't think he knew how to be happy. He didn't think he deserved it. I think he was punishing himself when he punished those girls. And me. He really thought he didn't deserve me or happiness and he tried to push me away, make me see he wasn't what I thought. Accepting him flaws and all threw him for a while. He was lost, but now he is found."

"Lucky bastard."

"I am lucky too. Truly, Jake, would anyone else ever see me as he does? He sees me as beautiful and perfect and made for him. If not for him, I wouldn't have a place in the world to fit into."

xxx xxx xxx

Jacob Black

Bella is so wrong about that, to me she is perfect and beautiful and it will always be my loss, that she never gave us a chance. She was the first girl I noticed, once puberty hit, and I was never allowed my try. As teens, she spurned me because of my age, and then, when I was building myself up and erasing the age gap...two years difference in adulthood is nothing, not worth mentioning...she met Edward Cullen and that was it for her. I ceased to exist. I never stood a chance. I am sorry for myself, and I am sorry for her, because she never allowed herself to taste another flavour.

Even Mike Newton would have treated her like a Princess had she chosen him, and if she were mine, I would have always let her know how very precious she is.

That Cullen got three chances with her is unbelievable but as I do love her, I want her to be happy. I could have made her happy, I know that.

He had better get it right this time.

I wanted to kill him with my bares hands when I found out what he did to her, twice. How could she allow that? The Bella I know was always so strong and in charge and I guess that is my answer. She knew what she wanted and she was strong enough the withstand the bullshit he put her through, and come out even stronger on the other side.

He doesn't deserve her, but he has her heart.

Lucky bastard.

I felt an instant attraction when I met Nessie but the truth is, I saw some of Bella in her, and that's what I love the most about her.

Who knows, maybe Bella was in my life to prepare me for Nessie. Or maybe Nessie is in my life to take the place I always kept for Bella.

Girls are not interchangable but maybe I need certain qualities and both girls possess them, therefore I am not settling by going with the one who is available to me. I don't see any point in waiting, and putting Nessie off, until we see if Cullen fucks up again. Bella says this is his last chance but she doesn't believe it.

Un-fucking-conditional love.

The one thing every good man deserves and every single man on the planet wants.

The unconditional love of his chosen woman.

You can't get better than that.


	12. Chapter 12

A Year In Purgatory

Chapter 12/Epilogue

Eternity

Bella Cullen

Standing beside Edward, our hands clasped together, fingers intertwined, I could feel the relief and the level of tension drop as the baby's cry filled the room.

I gasped in new air, suddenly aware I had been holding my breath for the longest time.

Jasper looked so relieved, he almost fell down, Alice had to support him.

Watching Rose and Emmett's baby be born had seemed like a cosy, friendly, happy idea, the reality had been somewhat more.

Feelings I had not expected to ever feel again tore at my chest as the baby was placed on her mother's belly.

I turned my face and looked at Edward and he smiled knowingly and squeezed my hand.

Could we really do this again and welcome a sibling for Sami, after all this time?

I only know, in this moment, I felt a stronger longing than ever before, to be the woman in the bed, reaching to hold her newborn for the first time.

Edward cupped my face and wiped away the tears off my cheeks with his thumb. He kissed my forehead and leaned in close.

"I want to, if you want to, just say the word." he whispered in my ear.

"I want to." I replied.

"I want to, too." said Alice, shamelessly listening in to our conversation.

"I do as well, let's get this show on the road." said Jasper.

"I think it would be polite to stick around and admire the baby." hissed Alice.

"I think it would be polite to give them some time alone to greet her." suggested Edward.

We four left and tried not to appear to be eagerly racing to our cars.

Sami was in school, it was barely noon, we had all afternoon.

"Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight.." sang Edward as he drove us home by the shortest route.

"My motto's always been: when it's right, it's right, why wait until the middle of the cold, dark night." I added.

"When everything's a little clearer in the light of day."

"And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway."

We both burst out laughing.

"Edward, are we really going to do this?" I sobered.

"Oh, why not? Sami is a constant source of happiness, why not take a risk and double that?"

"Do you want a boy this time?" I asked.

All men want boys.

"I have absolutely no preference, so long as it's a little bit me and a lotta you, I will adore whatever we manage to produce."

"Do you think it will be like last time?" I asked, my voice a little unsteady.

"Bella, you created a beautiful and perfect miracle when you gave Sami life, if we do that well again, I will be proud and well pleased."

We both had our doors ready to open as he pulled up and Edward grabbed my hand as we ran inside.

Clothes were scattered from the front door to the bedroom, well, to the hallway before the bedroom, we never made it to the bed.

Edward held me against the wall and pushed himself inside.

"God, Bella, I can't wait, I have to be inside you."

I threw my legs around his waist and laughed as he struggled to walk us toward the bed. The chaise was closer, so he sank us both onto it instead.

"I didn't have time to take my Pill this morning." I warned him. Rose had called really early, as soon as her water broke so we had raced to the hospital, leaving a sleeping Sami in Martha's capable hands, then Edward had come back and taken her to school.

She wanted to come to the hospital and see her new 'cousin' born but I really didn't think she was ready for the reality yet.

She had only witnessed Disney births, where the baby slid out unseen and was clean and had a ribbon in it's shiny clean hair and a smile on it's face and probably a tooth or two already . It was silly, letting girls think that was how birth was, but she was barely six years old, time enough in the future to burst that bubble. How shocked are we are at the real long, painful thing when it happens and the wrinkly, bloody, alien-like baby that emerges?

Not quite the same.

"So, chances are, this is just a warming up, we will have to repeat this every day for a while?" Edward smirked.

"I guess so, but if a job's worth doing,..."

"Oh I think we can do this properly." he laughed.

He was so gentle and loving, even as he pumped firmly inside me, I could feel the love and care he radiated.

I deserved this Edward, the one I was promised from the start and I would never want to exist in a world he wasn't in.

My thoughts became centered on our joining and the sensations he was making me feel.

"Bella, Bella, God, Bella..."

He was lost and he took me with him and my body sang before it collapsed against his.

His lips were on my neck, kissing, licking, and his hands were everywhere at once.

"Maybe we need to try for twins."

"No way, I think two is perfect, you know what they say, never let them outnumber you."

"Good point." he agreed.

One more baby would be perfect.

xxx xxx xxx xxx

Edward Cullen...nine months down the track.

Jasper paced and looked at the clock and destroyed his hair.

"Relax, Alice is doing fine. First baby's are meant to take this long." I reminded him.

He had been sent out to the waiting room for a short while as the nurses attended to Alice, who had been in labor nearly twelve hours already, and no end in close sight.

We had been here for four hours, and Sami was at home safely asleep in her bed.

Bella had lasted well, but an hour ago she had visibly wilted and I encouraged her to lie down and sleep for a while, promising to wake her if Alice suddenly became ready to deliver.

Bella slept deeply, her belly swollen and firm, and she rolled on the bench beside me and moaned.

I held her to keep her from falling off.

"Edward." she sighed and for a second I thought,' Uh oh, not one of those dreams now.'

"Edward!" she said louder, holding her abdomen and sitting up, her eyes suddenly wide open.

"What's happening?" I asked, concerned at the hint of panic in her voice.

"It hurts...really badly."

I helped her onto her feet and she almost immediately bent over double.

"I'll get a nurse." said Jasper, disappearing at a run.

"Breathe, Bella." I reminded her, rubbing her back with my free hand as she clutched the other hand tightly in her own.

"This way, how far apart are they?" asked the nurse and we were led to another delivery suite. I stood under the shower with my wife for an hour or so and rubbed her back which seemed to be where most of the pain was. Suddenly she grabbed me tightly and bent at the knees.

"I want to push!" she cried, opening her legs wider.

The doctor stepped up and examined her where she stood, still under the stream of water.

Her water broke as he estimated she was almost fully dilated.

"You can come out and climb up onto the bed, or we can put a mattress on the floor, or we can do this right here." he explained.

"Mattress." said Bella, and I helped her out of the cubicle and to the makeshift bed on the floor, as a nurse dried her skin.

I left her long enough to strip off my wet boxers and pull on my jeans, and rub my dripping hair off a bit.

"Edward!" she screamed and I sat down and held her again.

"Okay, we have a head crowning. Do you want to squat or stand or go onto your hands and knees?"

She scrambled onto her knees and I sat before her and helped her balance, her arms around my neck and her head resting on my shoulder.

The baby's head was emerging as Bella screamed through the pain, and I hoped to regain my hearing in that ear one day soon. The baby turned and slid out quickly and was wrapped and handed to me as the nurse helped Bella squat, to deliver the placenta.

I looked at this brand new little person, as they cleared the mouth and the baby screamed in protest.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"I don't know, but it's ours and it's beautiful." I answered.

I handed her the baby and we both looked it over.

"What do you hope it is, Edward?' she asked.

"I guess I am kind of partial to little girls but a boy would be fine, too."

"I hope Sami has a sister." she said and we opened the towel and both grinned.

A girl.

Sami was a big sister and she got the little sister she had ordered, loudly and insistently, on many ocassions.

She and Nash were often at loggerheads and she had decided boys were too bossy and smelt funny, and I hoped she kept up that opinion for a long time yet.

"I want a sister. I want to have matching dresses with her."

Bella had bought her a doll that did everything a baby did, just about, but we had not brought it with us tonight, thinking we were just visiting Alice.

She had also secretly bought matching dresses for the baby, Sami and the new doll, for the baby's going home outfit.

I suspected she was hoping for another girl even though she seemed convinced I would want a son. It didn't matter to me, I had everything already, a new baby was an unexpected bonus. Bella had never expressed any desire to have a second child, regardless of the state of our marriage.

This pregnancy had been impulsive and I was glad she fell so quickly because she had already started rationalising why maybe it was better to stick to just Sami, when it became clear it was too late. No turning back now.

Alice had also conceived the same night so I suppose we shouldn't be surprised they would deliver the same night as well.

I went to find Jasper to borrow his camera.

"Edward, what's up? How is Bella progressing? I guess the girls will be competing to see who can deliver first. Mind you, we did have a twelve hour head start." he smirked.

"Bella and our new daughter are doing well." I informed him proudly. "may we borrow your camera?"

"Not fair, we were in here first. That's cheating or something." he growled.

I took the camera and returned it an hour later. Still no baby yet for them.

Bella was showered and settling into her room, so I took the opportunity to make a quick trip home and get her bag and our camera and the doll.

Sami was sleeping peacefully. I will bring her in to visit after breakfast in the morning. No sense waking her tonight.

Marta looked at me and I cracked.

"It's a little girl. Seven pounds seven ounces so a lot bigger than Sami was. They are both doing well. I want to tell Sami so please don't let on, call me when she wakes up, I will try and be home before that but who knows?"

Bella was waiting impatiently for my return.

"We have to name her. It's important, Edward. We need to introduce her to Sami, with a firm name or she will try and talk us into naming her Dora the Explorer or something equally weird."

"I named Sami, you choose." I suggested.

"I would adore 'Lucy', what do you think?"

"Perfect. Lucy Isabella. No arguments this time."

"Fine. But Sami has three names."

We sat around, admiring our new daughter and suggesting names to add but nothing fit.

"Maybe we should put 'Rose' in her name, seeing we put Alice in Sami's name?"

"Lucy Isabella Rose Cullen. Perfect."

"Good, now you can go do the calls, while I do the first feeding attempt."

My parents were over the moon, Rose was touched to hear we used her name, and Charlie hung up abruptly to call the airline and book a ticket.

Renee and Phil were pleased. Renee had not been thrilled when Sami made her a grandmother 'at my age! So unfair, now everyone will assume I am so much older.'

This time the damage was already done so she was actually happy and pleased for us.

Jasper was pleased but still annoyed.

Sami was asleep when I got home and Martha made me a coffee and toast and I was sitting at the table when an alarmed cry of "Where's Mommy?" alerted us to her presence.

"Mommy has a surprise for you." I told her as she climbed onto my knee.

"Is it a sister?" she asked.

"It is and her name is Lucy."

"Not iCarly?"

"Definitely not iCarly. Lucy Isabella Rose."

"I like Lucy but why does she get Mommy's name as well?"

"Because I chose that, I want her to have Mommy's name in her name. You have Mommy's other name, Marie, so we have to be fair."

"But nobody has your name, unfair."

Personally, I think one Edward Anthony Masen Cullen is quite sufficient.

"Maybe Mommy will have a baby boy next and name it a name with Edward in it." she suggested.

"We will see. Now, breakfast and then you need to get dressed and take your gifts in for Mommy and Lucy."

Sami painstakingly wrote her sister's name on the card and we went to introduce our daughters.

Jasper met us in the hallway.

"A girl, six pounds nine."

"Congratulations. Give our best to Alice."

"Hah, Nash loses, he is the only boy. We girls can gang up on him now." announced Sami.

"What's your baby's name? Ours is Lucy Isabella Rose Cullen."

"I think her name is Summer Jasmine Whitlock, it was the last name Alice was considering so it may be what she goes with."

Sami was in awe when she saw her sister and Bella held Sami on her lap and I passed Lucy to her and Sami got her first cuddle.

"Her hair's funny, like daddy's."

I sighed. The bedhair gene dominated again.

"You had the same hair as that and look how beautiful your curls are now. I am sure Lucy's hair will be beautiful real soon."

"It's already perfect." said Bella.

"Daddy and I want you to have a baby brother next." Sami announced.

"I think that would be a great idea." Bella answered, surprising me.

"Really?"

"I think we should round off the family with a son. Girls are great but I want a Mommy's boy."

I kissed her lips and decided, a son would be great. And such fun to make.

"No big age gap this time, we need to start once Lucy sleeps through the night." Bella added.

Oh even better.

I shall be singing this baby to sleep as soon as she gets home.

"Alice has a daughter." I announced.

"I know, I have seen her, Jasper brought her in."

"Cool, now Natasha and Lucy and Summer will all grow up together."

"Summer? Alice said she was naming a girl 'Aisling', though I think she should spell it 'ASHLIN' as it's pronounced or nobody will ever say it correctly."

"When did she say that?"

"When I was in the labor ward with her while you took Jas for coffee."

"I guess we shall soon find out."

I took photos, Bella took more, the nurse and Rose took more still.

Rose's baby looked enormous and she was tearful went I handed Lucy to her.

"Rose, not again!" warned Emmett.

"One more, Emm. We still have frozen embryoes, we should at least try and use them."

"Shit, here we go again." sighed Emmett.

"Nash needs a brother, none of these women have given him a male cousin." Rose added.

"Bella and I will be rectifying that, next year." I assured them.

We all went to visit Alice in her room.

"Hermione Alicia Jaslyn Whitlock. What do you think?" Alice asked as we admired her tiny, black haired daughter.

"Don't worry if you don't like the name, Alice has changed it three times already." Jasper added.

"I do like Siobahn...or maybe Tayla." she admitted.

Her baby cried and we all laughed. She will have a great life but she will have an unusual mother. And I can't wait to see her unique outfits.

Sami liked her doll but complained that Bella got a real baby and she only got a doll, but she played with it and named it iCarly so we were al pleased with the outcome.

As Sami fell asleep in my arms that night, I looked forward to Lucy doing the same the next night, and I climbed into our bed and collapsed for one last decent night's sleep before I brought my girls home.

I had called Jake and told him our good news and his words echoed in my head.

"You are the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on the planet, you know."

Oh, I do know that.

I truly am.

The End


End file.
